this sucks, but i'll get through it.. |letter #99|

Dear Me,

It's been months since I broke off my relationship, that turned out to be a lie, but I weep and cry like it happened today.  That's the worst part about heartbreak, the memory of the pain stays with you no matter how long it's been.  The truth of the matter is that I really loved him.  Loved him, loved him. Not like the little loves I wrote about before.  My heart belonged to him and his deceit shattered it.   He lied to me.  Well, kept his life from me to the point it had me questioning, wondering if I was crazy or irrational.  I let myself settle for the infrequent visits, lack of romance, and little to no calls, things that were really important for me in the midst of long distance.  I convinced myself one day I would see it because he was the one God had for me.  Little did I know God was blocking it the whole time because He knew what was on the other side of the story.

I blocked and cut off the man I loved.  And it turns out, I didn't even know him at all.  I was in love with a man who was shown to me, a man I went searching to know, but he was too ashamed to show me parts of himself that it eventually cost us our relationship.  It wasn't even so much his lifestyle that hurt me as much the amount of years he spent lying about it.  I was in love with a man who I didn't know.  And I blocked him because it killed me that he wasn't the man he showed himself to be.

He had plenty of chances to tell me the truth, but he never did.  In fact, when I found out about his deceit it was through someone else.  To this day, he has yet to confess his truth to me but blamed me for the lack of support I had given him.  There's two sides to every story, but I think the part that hurts most was he was too broken and insecure to see how much I truly loved him and fought for him publicly and privately.  It was his brokenness and my own exhibited that led me to keep walking away from the man I wanted to be with more than anything else. 

At this point, he probably sounds like a monster.  I haven't decided.  I don't know what's worse.  Stepping outside of our relationship or never telling me about it and having to face the physical consequence of his infidelity years later.  I wish him well for his present and future family.  I want nothing but good things for him, as he wanted for me and clearly felt he was not good enough for me.   I just wish he had given me a choice at the beginning of his indiscretions to decide for myself on whether or not I wanted to be a part of his life and what role I desired to be. 

He never gave me choice. 

I have to also say this man proposed to me early in our relationship and I said we needed more time to establish grounding. I wanted us to do premarital counseling, I wanted him to meet my family and for me to meet more of his.  I wanted to do things "right."  He saw that as a no and sometimes I wonder if that was the reason he never put more effort into marriage with me again.  He maintained me as a friend with benefits but couldn't commit to more than that, and he would try.  He tried to give me what I wanted, but after a while felt like every effort he made would be worthless to me.   Honestly, he made some decisions in his life that he knew would prevent me from serving a certain place in his life.  That's what I mean he never gave me choice.  He decided for me after his hiccups.  

I was insecure in our relationship because I felt like I had no access to him or his life.  I didn't know his comings and goings, his friends, his workplace, his weekends, I didn't know his plans.  I found out as I pried.  He didn't call me.  And for good reason because he was hiding his entire other life from me.  That's why I could never get in and feel 100% apart of his life and feel secure in my place.  I had a special place in his heart, but not his life.  

So I don't know now if he really loved me.  I think he did.  I used to be so sure of it before things went crashing down.  But now, I think a man who really loves me wouldn't lie to me for years and still blame me for his decisions.  Maybe that was his way of loving me.  Keeping me away from his crazy life.  But that's not how to love me.  Loving me is letting me in and letting me decide.  I guess it would have hurt more if I rejected him, but I would rather you love me enough to trust I won't cast you out for your mess.  At the end of our relationship,  I didn't feel love from him.  I felt anger, blame, manipulation, and confusion. 

I was far from perfect, but I didn't even think I deserved this. 

So yeah, I'm heartbroken.  It's hard to focus, hard to think, hard to find peace sometimes.  I'm mad at God.  I'm mad at myself.  I didn't see the signs God was giving me throughout the years.  I'm disappointed.  Defeated.  Confused.  Hurt.  Heavy. 

But I know I will get through this, and spring is right around the corner. 

I wrote a list of things I now require in a man.  This was a big learning lesson.  And the worst of it is I lost someone I considered my best friend.  However, friends don't keep major life events hidden from friends.   It just isn't a friendship characteristic of someone I talked to daily for months at a time.  

So I am optimistic about seeing old things pass away and new things come into my life.  Better ones, that are the exact reflection of what God has for me. And the midst of waiting on my promise of a future husband, I'm working on healing the relationship with my first love, God and then me. 

Stay strong me. God loves you. And I love you too despite it all.

Love,

Stephanie 

another piece uncovered... |letter #98|

Dear Me, 

I have been conditioned to quiet the voice inside of me that feels negative things.  What do I mean by this?  I am saying that every time I'm angry, hurt, upset, disappointed, sad, frustrated, and taken aback by a situation, person, or thing, I suppress it out of fear of disapproval from others. 

You see, growing up in a saturated Haitian household meant that I could not oppose the will of my parents and elders, and I also was not encouraged to open up with the things that bothered me.  Although my mom create a space of freedom of expression, for an introverted girl like myself, I didn't just need space, but the encouragement and validation to speak. 

And when I did speak, I was redirected to move on if it were something that could not be fixed, without delving deeper into what I was actually thinking and feeling around the problem.  I remember being upset about something that happened at school between my peers.  I was frustrated and feeling rejected and I came home bothered.  After explaining the situation which I can barely remember now, I was told since there was nothing that could be done about it, I should stop feeling upset. That response was a record that replayed in several other scenarios growing up and replays on my conscious today. 

Several months ago, I decided to go to counseling after realizing that I had dysfunctional patterns and behaviors that weren't going away.  One of them is the fear of rejection if I tell one of my closest friends I was mad about something that was done.  This fear is so large that I spend several years in multiple relationships never telling anyone when they did something that pissed me off.  I was training to associate rejection with expression, and I actually lost my first best friend in middle school because of this association. I approached her lack of communication with me in my frustration and after what I believed was reconciliation, she never talked to me again nine years later. 

In fact she ignored me for an entire year in school, as if I wasn't there and transferred school after that.  

I still hold the responsibility that I was problem in that situation. Though I consider that she returned from summer vacation with anorexia, had been strange towards others, disconnected from loved ones, and stopped communicating her thoughts at the time, it's hard from me not to separate my expression of frustration with the reason of rejection in that relationship back in middle school. And I haven't been able to do so successfully since. 

I still blame me. 

I have some really close friends who allow me to be courageous enough to share how I really feel, but very few ever see my raw emotions, unfiltered and organic.  Most people receive my pretty side, or if I don't want to deal with possible rejection, the side where I will leave the situation so I won't get hurt again.  I remember one summer God telling me to "stop filtering myself."  I didn't understand the impact of that simple word until now. 

I need to stop filtering myself. 

I want to be okay with being human just like everyone else.

And I want to tell people how I really feel in a safe, validated space. 

But if it's not safe or validated, I still want to share my truth. 

I hope one day you do. 

Love,

Stephie 

i'm still okay... |letter #96|

Dear Me,

I've been meaning to write for a while, but for some reason words would appear blank on my page. Things in my life has been changing, spinning, transforming and spiraling so fast I didn't want to take a mental break.  I had deadlines to keep up with, friends to acknowledge, people to call, and events to plan. On top of that, I had a broken heart to mend. 

See, life hasn't been perfect and though I don't expect perfection, I'm not sure I was fully prepared for how certain things transpired in my life.  For the first time, I entered a real relationship then lost it and I had one of my best friends walk out on me.  I also experienced one of the hardest seasons in my business because people on my team quit on their dreams and my closest loved ones didn't support me in the way that I needed.  But I was also dysfunctional in this season. I disappointed one of my best friend's on the biggest day of her life and I hurt one of my family member's feelings on his birthday.  These things made me feel defeated, forgotten, rejected, and confused.  I wasn't sure if I was in my own lane or if I had driven off course.  I couldn't help but feel guilty and wronged at the same time and miserable from a life that was less than ideal. 

Yet, in the midst of my adversities, I sensed a still voice telling me, "Everything is going to be okay."

I don't like to refute the voice of the Lord, but I couldn't help but argue back, "How God? How is everything going to be okay?" Friends had dumped me. I ended a serious relationship unexpectedly. Business wasn't taking off. I needed answers and I wanted them now.  "How God, were you going to transforming my seemingly shattered life?" 

I never got my answer. Instead, I got the strength from Him to  k e e p g o i n g  without looking back.  The hardest thing for a control freak like me to do is to accept things "as is" and not attempt to fix it to "it was." I'm a natural fixaholic.  I wanted things in my life to go back the way they were before the fuzziness, gray areas, and shut doors.  But I also received the peace that everything that happened in my life had occurred because He granted them permission to.  I truly learned in depth of what we understand as God's sovereignty. It tells me that though I don't understand why, I can trust in His how:

• how He will repair my broken relationships
• how these occurrences will all work for my good
• how He has forgiven me for the ways I've hurt others, and even myself
• how what I experienced will prepare me for the next season 

I've decided to trust Him with the how because I know He is the author of my why's. I know that everything under Him has a purpose and a season.  I can trust that the ebbs and flows of my life are being steered properly by my Captain.  

So though it is hard, I will keep going and continue living each day purposed by Him.  I'm living out the how.  

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of WeHeartIt