this sucks, but i'll get through it.. |letter #99|

Dear Me,

It's been months since I broke off my relationship, that turned out to be a lie, but I weep and cry like it happened today.  That's the worst part about heartbreak, the memory of the pain stays with you no matter how long it's been.  The truth of the matter is that I really loved him.  Loved him, loved him. Not like the little loves I wrote about before.  My heart belonged to him and his deceit shattered it.   He lied to me.  Well, kept his life from me to the point it had me questioning, wondering if I was crazy or irrational.  I let myself settle for the infrequent visits, lack of romance, and little to no calls, things that were really important for me in the midst of long distance.  I convinced myself one day I would see it because he was the one God had for me.  Little did I know God was blocking it the whole time because He knew what was on the other side of the story.

I blocked and cut off the man I loved.  And it turns out, I didn't even know him at all.  I was in love with a man who was shown to me, a man I went searching to know, but he was too ashamed to show me parts of himself that it eventually cost us our relationship.  It wasn't even so much his lifestyle that hurt me as much the amount of years he spent lying about it.  I was in love with a man who I didn't know.  And I blocked him because it killed me that he wasn't the man he showed himself to be.

He had plenty of chances to tell me the truth, but he never did.  In fact, when I found out about his deceit it was through someone else.  To this day, he has yet to confess his truth to me but blamed me for the lack of support I had given him.  There's two sides to every story, but I think the part that hurts most was he was too broken and insecure to see how much I truly loved him and fought for him publicly and privately.  It was his brokenness and my own exhibited that led me to keep walking away from the man I wanted to be with more than anything else. 

At this point, he probably sounds like a monster.  I haven't decided.  I don't know what's worse.  Stepping outside of our relationship or never telling me about it and having to face the physical consequence of his infidelity years later.  I wish him well for his present and future family.  I want nothing but good things for him, as he wanted for me and clearly felt he was not good enough for me.   I just wish he had given me a choice at the beginning of his indiscretions to decide for myself on whether or not I wanted to be a part of his life and what role I desired to be. 

He never gave me choice. 

I have to also say this man proposed to me early in our relationship and I said we needed more time to establish grounding. I wanted us to do premarital counseling, I wanted him to meet my family and for me to meet more of his.  I wanted to do things "right."  He saw that as a no and sometimes I wonder if that was the reason he never put more effort into marriage with me again.  He maintained me as a friend with benefits but couldn't commit to more than that, and he would try.  He tried to give me what I wanted, but after a while felt like every effort he made would be worthless to me.   Honestly, he made some decisions in his life that he knew would prevent me from serving a certain place in his life.  That's what I mean he never gave me choice.  He decided for me after his hiccups.  

I was insecure in our relationship because I felt like I had no access to him or his life.  I didn't know his comings and goings, his friends, his workplace, his weekends, I didn't know his plans.  I found out as I pried.  He didn't call me.  And for good reason because he was hiding his entire other life from me.  That's why I could never get in and feel 100% apart of his life and feel secure in my place.  I had a special place in his heart, but not his life.  

So I don't know now if he really loved me.  I think he did.  I used to be so sure of it before things went crashing down.  But now, I think a man who really loves me wouldn't lie to me for years and still blame me for his decisions.  Maybe that was his way of loving me.  Keeping me away from his crazy life.  But that's not how to love me.  Loving me is letting me in and letting me decide.  I guess it would have hurt more if I rejected him, but I would rather you love me enough to trust I won't cast you out for your mess.  At the end of our relationship,  I didn't feel love from him.  I felt anger, blame, manipulation, and confusion. 

I was far from perfect, but I didn't even think I deserved this. 

So yeah, I'm heartbroken.  It's hard to focus, hard to think, hard to find peace sometimes.  I'm mad at God.  I'm mad at myself.  I didn't see the signs God was giving me throughout the years.  I'm disappointed.  Defeated.  Confused.  Hurt.  Heavy. 

But I know I will get through this, and spring is right around the corner. 

I wrote a list of things I now require in a man.  This was a big learning lesson.  And the worst of it is I lost someone I considered my best friend.  However, friends don't keep major life events hidden from friends.   It just isn't a friendship characteristic of someone I talked to daily for months at a time.  

So I am optimistic about seeing old things pass away and new things come into my life.  Better ones, that are the exact reflection of what God has for me. And the midst of waiting on my promise of a future husband, I'm working on healing the relationship with my first love, God and then me. 

Stay strong me. God loves you. And I love you too despite it all.

Love,

Stephanie 

i'm still okay... |letter #96|

Dear Me,

I've been meaning to write for a while, but for some reason words would appear blank on my page. Things in my life has been changing, spinning, transforming and spiraling so fast I didn't want to take a mental break.  I had deadlines to keep up with, friends to acknowledge, people to call, and events to plan. On top of that, I had a broken heart to mend. 

See, life hasn't been perfect and though I don't expect perfection, I'm not sure I was fully prepared for how certain things transpired in my life.  For the first time, I entered a real relationship then lost it and I had one of my best friends walk out on me.  I also experienced one of the hardest seasons in my business because people on my team quit on their dreams and my closest loved ones didn't support me in the way that I needed.  But I was also dysfunctional in this season. I disappointed one of my best friend's on the biggest day of her life and I hurt one of my family member's feelings on his birthday.  These things made me feel defeated, forgotten, rejected, and confused.  I wasn't sure if I was in my own lane or if I had driven off course.  I couldn't help but feel guilty and wronged at the same time and miserable from a life that was less than ideal. 

Yet, in the midst of my adversities, I sensed a still voice telling me, "Everything is going to be okay."

I don't like to refute the voice of the Lord, but I couldn't help but argue back, "How God? How is everything going to be okay?" Friends had dumped me. I ended a serious relationship unexpectedly. Business wasn't taking off. I needed answers and I wanted them now.  "How God, were you going to transforming my seemingly shattered life?" 

I never got my answer. Instead, I got the strength from Him to  k e e p g o i n g  without looking back.  The hardest thing for a control freak like me to do is to accept things "as is" and not attempt to fix it to "it was." I'm a natural fixaholic.  I wanted things in my life to go back the way they were before the fuzziness, gray areas, and shut doors.  But I also received the peace that everything that happened in my life had occurred because He granted them permission to.  I truly learned in depth of what we understand as God's sovereignty. It tells me that though I don't understand why, I can trust in His how:

• how He will repair my broken relationships
• how these occurrences will all work for my good
• how He has forgiven me for the ways I've hurt others, and even myself
• how what I experienced will prepare me for the next season 

I've decided to trust Him with the how because I know He is the author of my why's. I know that everything under Him has a purpose and a season.  I can trust that the ebbs and flows of my life are being steered properly by my Captain.  

So though it is hard, I will keep going and continue living each day purposed by Him.  I'm living out the how.  

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of WeHeartIt

let my person go... |letter #95|

Dear Me,

Stop fighting and let me go.  Let me go.  I who is the deepest part of you.  I who lay uncovered, unbothered, and unleashed.  You've trapped me.  You've kept me.  You've hidden me in the midst of your heart-folds and refuse to allow me to climb through the piles and reveal my presence.  I need some air.  I need to breathe.  I need to see why the world so desperately needs me. 

I have purpose here and it wasn't so you can serve as my forever overprotective armor bearer.  

I need you to let me go. 

But I get it; I'm your baby.  I'm your safe place.  I'm your untouched virgin, unexposed to the harsh realities of this world and insensitivities of flawed people.  You don't want to spoil me.  You don't want me to scrape my knee.  You don't want me to learn the patterns of this world, such as conformity, deceit, and superficiality. 

I am your most authentic, pure self and you fear that with release I may not stay that way.  You fear the break of new air will stifle me.  You fear the aroma of expectation will break me.  You fear the comfort of mediocrity will be the death of me. 

You fear this because I was meant to be more.  I am more.  I am the unfiltered, idealistic, unashamed, unapologetic being of you who dares to dream higher, live brighter, and feel stronger.  I am not afraid to laugh without censoring and think without second-guessing.  You've nurtured me to be the woman you would not be.  You made me bold, daring, crazy, radical, and spirited.  

I represent the other woman God created you to be and this is why you cover me.

However, the problem rests with your obsessive control over me and your monitoring of my here's and there's.  Your tactics has turned from the pure intention to protect into a manifestation to perfect.  You know that you can't perfect your own life no matter how hard you try so you project your desires of perfection into managing and controlling the "perfect" and "unstained" deep inside of you.  You won't let anyone touch me, feel me, hear me, see me, or know me.  Why? Because if anyone so much looks at me,  you believe I'm no longer perfect.  I would become abused and used and good as the rest of you.

How could you be so confused?

Don't you know that the Lord our God made no mistake when He made you?  Don't you know that your outside flaws used by Him bring Him the uttermost glory?  Don't you realize that no one cares for perfection because it's never as good as the good, honest truth of I'm broken and scared and crazy and sensitive and I need love anyway?

We've been loved since the very beginning of time, before we could even think to love our Creator in return.  Therefore, your notion that one must be "pure" and "perfect" to love and be loved is null and disproven.  Yes, He purified and perfected us through Christ's blood, but first He loved anyway.

So let me go, Stephanie.  Let me go.  Because what you think is not really true.  I will never break and I will never die and I will never conform and I will never lose faith.  I will keep fighting.  I will keep believing.  I will keep trusting.  I will keep doing right.  I will never stop daring despite what the world throws at me.

I will never stop being what I was created to be because I represent God's love in you which is steadfast and never-ending.  I was formed by His love, made for His love, purposed to love.  I was made to love more than just you.  

When you let me go, I can be free to love like I was supposed to. 

And you, my love, will begin to walk into everything else awaiting for you.. 

Then your being will truly be set free, just like me. 

Love,

Stephanie

#LovingTheWomanWithin

Courtesy of Shea Christine Photography 

a lovely dark... |letter #88|

Dear Me, 

When I see the Biblical words of Song of Solomon "dark and lovely," I question whether it really applies to me.  I am dark, but does that make me as lovely as others appear to me?  My problem is that I compare my scent to others and I allow their actions towards me to dictate my status.  When I say that I am dark I am not speaking of my skin color but of my heart's truest conditions.  I was darkened by sin but made clean through His blood.  When I speak of my darkness now it sheds light to the intimacy of my soul, uncovered and unfiltered, raw and real. 

I have intimacy problems very specific to me.  My intimacy does not always resemble another's.  I am the most intimate when I reveal to you what I truly think.  I am the most intimate when I tell you my deepest insecurities still running rampant in my heart.  I am the most intimate when I share the most pressing, uncomfortable matters of my heart.  My intimacy is not easy for me to bear.  It's scary to feel and frightening to give.  My intimacy should not be taken for granted.  Do not take it for granted.  I beg of you.

I am not one to tell you everything that is deeply wrong with me because I value the image I uphold.  I truly want to be a role model for others in my life.  In my opinion, sharing grotesque facts about myself tarnishes a pretty picture.  I learned how to be vulnerable but not intimate, transparent but not always truthful.  I've learned to hide some things about myself out of fear of what they what think of me later.  I am afraid they will love me less. 

So when I share something personal, I want them to cherish it.  I want them to catch me when I leap.  I want a safe landing after a risky flight.  This time it didn't happen.  I was left on shaky ground when I shared something pressing.  The pouring of my heart had been bypassed.  It had been labelled dirt. 

This is why I don't think my dark is lovely.  I believe the more I reveal about my innermost self, the uglier I appear.  People can't handle what resides in me.  Many loved ones are confused by what it all means.  I'm hurt and I'm numb from rejection.  I wonder how my future husband will feel.  Yet, I am very aware that this is only the first step.  There is much more healing than hurt to encounter.  Clearly.

God is leading me into a path where I no longer fear my own intimacy despite whether it is rejected or not.  He is teaching me that although I believe I am ugly, He calls me lovely.  It is not for others to dictate my inner beauty but for Him to call His creation their righteous name.  I may not feel splendid on the inside but that does not take away from its truth.  I may feel dismissed by some but I am still fully accepted by my Great King.

So I embark on this journey to become intimate and I bring along His truth.  I will surely need His reminders when things get tough and dirty.  So if you still think you're ugly, it's okay.  Your thoughts will surely be renewed.  

Love,

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It Pictures

musings from the heart... |letter #67|

Dear Me,

Lately, I've been okay. I've been more than okay, I've been transforming. I am now a recent graduate from my alma mater of Spelman College and will be attending the illustrious Boston University School of Medicine for a graduate master's. Today, marks two weeks since my matriculation out of Spelman. 

I am no longer the same. 

In this time, I have been growing intimately with God. I've made conscious efforts to seek Him because I actually desired it. Pleasing my natural needs no longer felt good to me anymore. I didn't want to drink and I didn't want to be un-pure. I messed up twice. My failures solidified my growing desire to honor God with my life. That's when I knew something in me had shifted. 

I continue to shift. I'm beginning to surround myself with His presence. I look forward to church. I keep up with bible study. I wake up each day with a commitment to surrender my time to Him. A part of me can't help it. I desire to be all that He created me to be and this semester has shown me that I cannot be great without Him. 

Lately, He's even even changing these desires. He reminds me that it is less about me being great and more about serving Him for His glory. More importantly, He is equipping me to save broken and hurting lives.  He wants us all to go to heaven, not just me.

I asked God three questions: 

1. Who are you to me?
2. What does it mean to be happy?
3. How should I praise you?

I'm already thanking him for showing me these answers. That's one thing he did teach me: praise. He told me to sing from my heart and thank him more than I ask for things. It has been changing my perspective and making me more confident in Him. 

This woman stalked me today at church. I guess God told her to go after me. At my exit, she stopped me to tell me something I could tell was on her heart. She said coming into this world, we are like a caged birds, batting our wings in the space we have been confined to. However, with Jesus, the top of the cage door is opened and we are able to fly out. We are able to soar with unlimited resources to be everything that God created us to be.

But sometimes I pretend like I'm still in that cage, even though the door is wide open. I'm scared to fly out of my comfort zone. I'm scared to be free and truly experience what's out there under my name. I guess that's what I needed to see today. I needed to see myself enslaved to a cage refusing to believe that I could takle anything in this world with Jesus at my side. 

I see it now. I want to break free.

Love,

Stephanie

this overwhelming sense of lack... |letter #64|

Dear Me,

I lay still beneath the plush fabrics of my sheets while my heart reverberates the pattering of rain on my windowpane. I am humbled and quiet. I have yet to encompass my mind’s recently foolish sightlessness. As the night deepens, my heart is awake with revelations long restrained. The overarching circumstances of my day-to-day actions have prevailed the secret blessings hidden along my peripheral. I have been too concerned with my issues to warrant appreciation to the riches God has bestowed upon me with undeserving favor. 

How easily can I worry when I am so highly favored by the Creator Himself? I am boggled at my discovered neglect. Somehow, He has not only managed to provide me with my basics needs, but He has given me exactly what I wanted. Perhaps, first you must see how truly unpretentiously particular I have fabricated my desires to understand how good He has been to me: 

After 6 years of a sedan, I secretly wanted a SUV. I loved the style, the fit, and the safety I experienced when driving it. Few may have guessed my attractions, but no one but I knew my hopeful wishes. Yet, I had a car when others didn’t. How could I have asked for something nicer for my own satisfaction? Well, with not even a prayer request sent, I received my dream car with little to no effort in the midst of a misfortune in a matter of two days. My shaky sedan had taken its final stretch with three leaks, unstable tires, and almost four thousand dollars in repairs. We didn’t have the money so essentially I would have carless for some time. Hours later of the discovery of the repair costs, I received a call informing me of the opportunity of a trade. Two days later, I was driving away with my new SUV, a cheaper, newer, safer, and almost costless car. I drove away with seven years coverage of maintenance, service, and parts for little monthly payments we wouldn’t have to worry about until later. Not only had God taken care of my need, He gave me exactly what I desired in my heart, as silly as it was.

I realize there have been other times when God had supplied my basic needs, but there is one other central entity symbolizing God’s gracious provision of my desires: my bedroom. My bedroom is French-inspired vintage black and white escape from a stressful world. Its very walls scream a union of tasteful chic designs and the pretty, naïve innocence of me. I envisioned my space and its aura since before I signed its lease. I knew exactly what I wanted to create. However, with the visions I possessed would come expensive tabs I could not yet afford. My interior design would essentially be compromised, as my finances would be prioritized to more important avenues of necessity. Yet, it was so important to me. I shared my wishes with no one. With not even a request to the heavens, here I lay still in my vintage-shabby bed in my dream come true bedroom. I spent less than half the amount necessary to create this look due to Ross, Craigslist, Ikea, thrift shopping, and God’s yearning to see my wishes met. 

Essentially, I say this because tonight, in the presence of His company, I learned that I do not have to settle for anything less than what He wants to give me. I have been utterly blind to the true desires of my heart because I believed I could not afford to meet them. It was selfish and unfair of me. When I come to God with my wants, he not only takes care of them, but also aligns them to His purpose for my life. It will eventually all connect. An abundant life is often limited to my own skewed perception. His abundance is greater than what I can imagine. I no longer have to restrict myself from the desires of my heart when I wait for Him to take care of my every need and want. He knows me. He wants to make me happy. He wants to take me out of my sense of lack. All I have to do is trust.

Love,

Stephanie

the dirty truth about me... |letter #59|

Dear Me, 

When something inside isn't right, I don't make sense. My spirit is deflated, my smile is weak, my presence is dull, and my days become blurs. I can't seem to concentrate in school, my love life looks worse, I worry about everything, and I feel like no one around me can really understand. I have been conditioned into thinking that nothing should be wrong with me. I am to fit into the molds pressured into my life in order to reach the approval of myself or others. I am not allowed a moment of weakness because I will let down those I inspire and look up to my walk. I cannot be sad. I cannot be confused. I cannot show weakness. I cannot be trapped. I need to be sane. I need to be right. I cannot crack.

 I am a silly woman and because of such a damaging mentality, I have stripped away my authenticity. 

 Rather yet, my own happiness. 

But every me, has a story. I went through life playing the part and fitting the role. I lived up to my family's expectations of me. I could do no wrong. I was not rebellious. I made wise expected decisions for my life. I learned to understand what people wanted from me and eventually I feed into that standard. There was little of me and more of them. But that was just home. Christianity made it worse for me. I learned the good news but being surrounded in a Christian school with Christian eyes judging me, I cared less about the news and more about how people saw me. I was a good Christian. I followed the Bible. I went to church. I prayed. I was pure. My mouth was clean. I shaped myself into what I came to believe a Christian was and I was pretty good at it. But when I went to college, I cracked, eventually. 

I started drinking. I started partying. I starting exploring. I had sex, and kept having it. I almost left the entire Christian lifestyle behind me, except I never cussed. I still don't. Yet, through all my "rebellious" acts, I could not separate what I had learned from Christianity and what I was now doing. In everything I did I was conflicted. I couldn't abandon my conscience telling me what I was doing was wrong. My relationship with God had been real, but my religion had been too overbearing. Living up to both people's and Christianity's expectations left me numb. I didn't know who I really was and what I really wanted and I possessed a desperate desire to find out. I was standing in between worldy me and Christian me, so afraid to go in either direction. I was tired of trying to fit into the molds.  I was so unhappy. 

Until today, when I finally screamed out to God in my utter honesty and admitted that I could no longer play his good Christian daughter and try so hard to look good in front of others. I told God I was done trying to be something I was not and acting like I didn't like drinking, partying, and having fun. I shouted my frustration of how living under this mask was draining me of my spirit. I told Him I did not even want to try anymore. I was done. Then, I told him I needed it to be real. All of it, because I was so sick and tired of following Him with a divided heart.

I forgot to mention how through my internal battle God was working outside of the RELIGION of Christianity and into my spirit.  My roommate was invited to a bible study tonight and invited me as well. Of course, I wouldn't say no both because it was "right", but a larger part of me was seeking God's answers for my life. The house was shady on the outside and the first impression of the girls was almost a turn off. I was not used to loud rambunctious people. Every girl in the room had a little bit of weird. However, I sat quietly on the couch until the study began and 2 hours later, every girl I had seen as foreign before became beautiful in my eyes as they intentionally surrounded me with tearful prayers and miraculous truth. 

I had been personally attacked by the spirit of God through these women as each spoke a piece of truth I had been searching for:

1. All this time, I thought I had to change for God. I was so wrong. He wants me just as I am, flaws and all. I don't need to TRY to live this so called goody life. I just need to seek Him and everything will fall in place. He designed me like this. I don't need to abandon who I really am to be with Him.
2. Religion is not for me and I am no longer subject to a list of do's and don'ts as Jesus already paid the price for everything I did wrong. God just calls me to love Him and stop trying to follow a stringent protocol. 
3. God is real and working even when I don't want to believe it. I look back at my life and see how much He has done for me. Even when I basically got caught up with the act, He still showed me that His plan for my life doesn't change. I was still meant for victory.
4. There are other beautiful women out there that went though the exact same struggle as me and I met some tonight. I have been blessed because of it. I am never alone and it's okay to be vulnerable, weak, unsure, and ugly.
5. My ways aren't bad but most of the time, because I can't see the outcome and consequences of my decisions,  it's better to seek God's direction. He knows what I really want and often times I think I can have it now. What He's saying is that better things can come if I wait and trust. 

I was meant to be in that random room tonight. It was not a coincidence. I am so renewed that I felt inspired to share my story because I know somewhere out there someone else is where I am at now. Be encouraged. 

Love,

Stephanie

if you ever thought you might give up... |letter #54|

Dear Miss Right,

I could ask you the same question. None of us were created to be alone, we thrive off of love and relationship, so I think it’d be mutually beneficial for us to find each other quickly. The truth is, and this is where most guys won’t admit it, I need you as much as you need me. I’ve tried to be one of those super macho guys, but in all honesty, in my heart, nothing could be more satisfying than to be your sensitive and loving provider, your husband. My plans and ideas are everywhere. I ask God daily for direction and confirmation. God’s the only one with the big picture, because I’m as lost as you are. I know that there are wonderful things out there for us to discover together, God will reveal them to each of us in time. There IS a reason we’re still not together. Logically it’s because we haven’t met… or if we have, we haven’t gotten to know each other. You’re not the only one without a line of ducks, I think some of mine might actually be geese, in which case, I have to be rid of them and find the ducks to fill their spots. 

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the right woman and the wrong time being the wrong woman. The same can be said for guys. And truthfully, God’s been dealing with me on issues that would only bring our relationship down. I struggle with the idea of being forgiven without cause, and I need to learn to be more accepting of grace. Until I am, please don’t give up on me.Truthfully, the reason we’re not together is that I’ve asked God to hold off on our introduction until I’m ready to be the man you deserve. I have some of the same fears. Trust me, nothing’s scarier for a guy than to think that he’ll be the emotional head over heels in love one, while you look on in disdain. I want to get lightheaded when you walk into a room, and I want you to melt at my smile. Don’t be afraid, you can never ask too much of God. Nothing is beyond His capacity.The very reason you feel like I should be these things for you, is because God has created a desire in you specifically for me and only me, who will be these things, and you won’t be happy with any other guy.

And believe me, I’m far from perfect. My heart aches at the very thought of you getting me. I’m the undeserving one. It’s not fair that someone with a past like mine gets coupled with the woman of his dreams. But the beauty of grace, is that it makes life not fair. I AM looking for you, and I’m waiting for God to deem the time right for us to meet. The fact that I know you’re out there doing the same, only strengthens me further. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m very much into movies and TV… Luckily, to have an interest in something does not necessarily mean to believe it. Love is not a feeling or emotion that coincides with “Happily Ever After”, it’s a choice. And I’ve decided to love you unconditionally into eternity.

Admittedly, a good appearance is nice, but appearances can be deceiving. Don’t worry about it; be yourself. My eyes were made with you in mind, so I’d say you have an advantage over other women. And besides, if you make yourself look too good, you’ll run the risk of attracting more than just me… I don’t want to have to fend the hounds off my woman! Your imperfections are what make you you, and I can put you just as easily on my screensaver or wall, as any of those other women. And the best part is, then I’ll have the real thing right by my side to keep me warm. Good luck with the cover snatching, you’ll need it. (lol) While there are a lot of pretty women out there, there’s only one for me. I would never settle for someone I could live with, and you shouldn’t either. Where’s the fun in that? I’m the one you could never imagine life without.

I’m the guy you might notice at first, but only in that, vague sort of way, but if you got to know me, you’d find a soul that yearns after God, and that’s what will help you understand the plan God has laid out for the both of us. If I only saw beauty from the world’s perspective, I’d be a rather lonely individual, wouldn’t I? There is none more beautiful than a beautiful soul. I can’t wait to be captivated by yours. I’d take on all the pain the world could throw at you, and you’d be the heaven that helped me bare it. I’ll be the first to admit, I struggle with taking a passive role. It’s hard to be a leader with no one to lead. Your point is valid, however, I find it ironic that you were the one to initiate this conversation, to which I am responding.

I have difficulty knowing who to pursue, I guess my biggest fear is accidentally getting in too deep with someone that’s not you. I have been hurt and rejected, and mostly because I’ve pursued… In fact, most of the stupid things I’ve done have come from “the hunt.” Maybe I should learn to do less shooting and more tracking. I can’t just fire into the crowds and hope for a hit. God has directed me on how to set my sights to find you. And you’ll be my trophy wife. (lol, couldn’t help myself with that one.) I’ll have you know, if you think I’d get married for the sake of getting married, maybe it’s you that’s looking in the wrong places. Marriage is a commitment for life, and that’s a commitment I’d be miserable to make to anyone but you. That and I want my rib back. I’ll tell you what, my rib for the covers, sound like a deal? There is no one I’d rather build my life with.

We’ll have our pitfalls, but we’ll also have our mountain tops, and there’s no one I’d rather share my adventure with because I know that there’s no way I can grow to be the man God wants me to be without you by my side.

I’m getting kinda tired myself. It’s 58 days after New Year’s Eve, and I kissed no one… I was actually oblivious to the clock altogether as I was watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus (but that’s another story). Believe me, I’d rather have been in your arms. I wasn’t truly alone, but I was as good as. I’m one of the ones that feels lonely in a crowd, because I just don’t fit in. I’m not of this world, and that’s how you’ll be able to pick me out. I can’t wait till I can hold you as we usher in our first New Year together. It’ll be my happiest moment… until the next time you smile.

Good night to you, my love! God’s time is His own, but I pray daily that He take into consideration our time not spent together is time lost. I’ll search for you until I die, but I trust God to make sure it doesn’t take that long. Don’t settle for Mister Sorta Charming, because trust me, when you meet me, he’s going to look like the frog. I know not what form you’ll take, but I know you’ll be the woman God’s formed for and from me. I know you will have honesty, faith, tenderness, and a pure heart: each a beauty in and of its own. Even one of these is worth waiting an eternity for. I’ve loved you as long as you have me, and for the same reason. Don’t give up waiting for me, I’m searching for you. When we do finally meet, you can be sure God will have orchestrated it to bring out the both in best of us and to glorify Him in the greatest means possible. God’s been moving in both of our lives, and He’s been moving us together. It’s only a matter of time before that finally happens.

Forever Yours,

Mister Right

p.s. That guy you were talking about that week, the one that was even at the bar in the first place? Yeah, probably not me. : )

-Anonymous

a big of something happy... |letter #48|

Dear Me,

I can finally say I have finally reached the level of stability I sought in my spiritual relationship with the Lord and for this, I have the uttermost joy. When I realize how much power the Lord actually has over the outcome of my life, as I essentially realized today, I could not help but lift in spirits KNOWING that my ways will be part of His will. 

Maybe this sounds jumbled to those who are reading. Well, basically, I have been searching for God for a while, I would classify myseld as a lost Christian, whom I simply believe is a person who aims to follow Christ, imperfect and all.  I was so strayed from the path I was to be on and it even confused me on who I was a person.  It's difficult to be truly happy when inside you feel so not together. I mean, no, I didn't have this radical moment in life where I dropped to my knees in a earnest plea to the heavens to spare my life (although I don't object to that).  I simply sought him through His word and prayer, and He met me.

To be even more plain, I was reading the Bible of my smartphone, so no need to get fancy with the big ol' Book if you don't have one.  I was literally reading Genesis 1, the beginning, when God made everything as we know it today. The sky, the heavens, the sun, light, the seas, the lands we live on, and I thought, I mean I know this. But it was different this time when I read something that I already knew. I realized then, how absolutely ridiculous it was to resist FULLY trust in God with my own life when he created all the world.  I had some serious trust issues when it came to God. I didn't think He is really going to take me when I need to go. I could trust an airplane to deliver me safely but I could not trust the Creator of the Universe to control the outcomes of my life.

Until today... 

I mean God works like that sometimes. But, you just need to want to be helped in return. I know some of you don't believe in God, and that's great, but at the end of the day, you don't need to believe in Him to experience Him. That's clear. Regardless, I hope that you found your happiness just as I found mine because this is a joy that can and will not be stripped away by mere man. 

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

first things first... |letter #42|

Dear Me, 

I am the prize. I am the investment that you will desire in your life. I am the only who must be captured, swept, and won.  I claim my place of worth into existence. 

But, I have to say that everyday.  It is not innate just yet. To love myself just as my Creator designed me is a progress, some days are hard while others, an easy breathe.  Sometimes, I don't like the way my shape forms or the way my hair places.  Sometimes, I hate how much I over-think and how much I worry about dumb little things.  Many times, I love the way I write and how I can put two pieces together and call it fashion. In turn, inspired by a similar piece by a close friend, I realize, no, I don't love myself as my heart, mind, soul, and body desires. I could guard my heart more. I could be healthier. I could corrode the negativity from my mind and seek overall spiritual well-being. Who will care for me, if it's not me? Who else will take on that responsibility, but me?  I love and care, but I do not love and care as much I need to.  

The first step lies with the elimination of self-criticism.  I admit I can do better, but let me plan out how I could do that and avoid beating myself up for not. Let me avoid clouding my mind with things I should've done and creating situations to act in the opposite. Let me avoid the traps and flee the potholes hidden in the dark corners of my mind.  Then, I will watch the exhilaration experience of transformation. 

The day I revel in my own skin will be a glorious day.  It would have meant that I have completely let go of my insecurities, abandoned the negative perceptions of my flaws, and grasped the totality of me.  I can't wait to fall in love with myself just as easily as it has been to fall in love with others. come and gone.  I can't wait to shout how amazing I am, strong I've become, and sexy I look. 

I can't wait for my fairytale love romance... with none other than me.

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

but can i get a sign... |letter #36|

Dear Me, 

I need to get my life together.  Ok, I'm lying. I'm doing well right now, interning in the city in Atlanta, making future connections with prominent people, saving money instead of shopping, building relationships and maintaining old ones, so what's the problem, right?  Well, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with all these resources I'm acquiring.  In other words, what the heck will I be doing for the rest of my life? 

Ok... You can tell I obviously have a problem with trust.  Trust in God, trust in myself, and trust in my purpose.  I'm that girl who needs to know what's happening tomorrow to be okay with today.  It is so hard to blindly go with the flow and hope for the best.  Granted, I have a potential plan but I can't help but feel there's got to be more than what I laid out for my life.  On top of that, I fear of not making enough money.

As much as I try not to let money determine my future career decision, my family has planted the seeds the bloom concern. "Are you sure you want to be a psychologist? Psychiatrists make more money, you know." Bottom line, they don't want me to struggle. Well, I don't want to either. That's another topic. 

I've been praying and learning how to not worry about the future.  I know God is going to take me where I need to go regardless of whether I struggle or not, but in terms of the ride there, I can't help but be a difficult child refusing to sit still. Ultimately, I know everything will work out.  All I ask if a little direction, something to ease my paranoid mind. Until then, I'm still fidgeting. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

and now pause... |letter #32|

Dear Me,

 You ever have those moments when you have absolutely nothing to say? As if existing in complete silence is just as fulfilling as carrying out an elaborate intellectual conversation? That's how I feel right now. Yet, I am truly content in my quiet. I wouldn't change anything about this moment because at the end of the day, I believe we all need a moment of peace. This is a moment to remind ourselves of our existence and collect our parts once more.  Now, I feel like I can take the time to exercise my lungs to simply breathe.  I don't feel the need to run around across the world with millions of to-do lists racking my brain.  In this moment, it is okay to pause.  I need this time more than anything else. So this moment right here, is mine.  Please, do not disturb.

Love, Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

i still have something to say... |letter #26|

Dear Me, 

How often do I shoo away the things I love? I love to write, yet I haven't written my own words in months.  To be honest, I'm sure it would have helped me get through much of what I experienced the last five months of silence.  However, I refuse to focus on what I can't change. I mean, I'm writing now aren't I?

Seriously, how is it so easy for me to neglect what I love? Baking cookies at midnight, running during sunrise, illustrating in a quiet room, reading during a thunderstorm exemplify the simple things that can bring people joy.  Yet too often I am caught up with this metaphor called life and forget these details that make me happy.

Bottom line: I need to be writing because this just made me happy inside. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

plain old short facts... |letter #25|

Dear Me, 

Real girls aren't perfect and perfect girls aren't real.


As confident as I strive to be, I still have weaknesses, insecurities, and doubts. As deadly as it is, as a female, I will still subconsciously compare myself to another female.  The first step is admitting it because denial is just as stifling.  But the second step is reminding myself how amazing and unique I really am.  In the end, there will always be someone who will be better at something than I am.  There will always be someone who is smarter, prettier, wiser, and even a better writer.  That is simply realistic.  However, never should I think that that makes me any less than how talented I am.  As cliche as it sounds, no one else in this world is composed of my internal makeup. These thoughts are often triggered by my insatiable desire to be close to perfect at everything that I do.


But like I said before, real girls aren't perfect and perfect girls aren't real. 

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

love my way #2... |letter #22|

Dear Me,

Today, after spending the majority of the day shopping at an antique furniture store with my mother, I realized two things. Number one, I have a keen eye for elegant interior designing and number two, my mother and I make an excellent team when it comes to making decisions.  

It's been a while since my mom and I really had a mother-daughter date in which we would spend the entire day doing things together.  Not once has that happened since I came home this summer.  I missed her. It's not the same to see her come home every night after a long day of work compared to spending a carefree morning and afternoon with her.  I remember why I could talk to her and how easily I can make her laugh.  I forgot how much she really needs me in making the dire decisions on the look of our sweet home. Thank goodness we left that couch.

Today, my special moments were illustrated by my mom. Wise words of the day: Sometimes, mothers really do know best.



Love,
Stephanie


Courtesy of pennyspitter 

love my way #1 .... |letter #20|

Dear Me,

Just to introduce the topic of this subsection, "Love My Way" will be daily love letters to myself.  Here I will share positive thoughts and experiences despite my circumstances. I will also state one thing that was special about the day. In my quest to both find and enhance myself, I feel I must also shower myself with love and appreciation.  I need to give myself a reason to smile each passing day and remind myself why life is amazingly beautiful.  By being the primary source of encouragement, I will conquer some of the negative and insecure perceptions I hold and be able to alter my eyes on new sights. Most importantly, it is the most direct way I can fight my biggest enemy: me. In the end, besides God, who can love me better than myself? 

Courtesy of Childrens Book Review

Today, I saw the pure love of a good man for his family.  As he recounted the stories of his loved ones, his eyes glistened, his lips curled, his voice hearty, and his shoulders were passionate.  Instead of seeing a boy I had grown up with academically for the last seven years, I saw a man carrying the capacity to love not only his entire family but his future one some day.

Wise words of the day: Love between family members can transform us all.

Love,
Stephanie