i'm not what you think... | letter #91 |

Dear Followers, 

I just wanted to let you know that I am just as messed up, insecure, and broken as you are today. There's been some comments made behind my back that are truly heartbreaking to hear.  For the first time in my life or maybe just to my obvious knowledge, people don't like me and it makes me want to ball up in a corner and cry my eyes out.  I'm not used to this feeling at all.  If you don't like me, I care.  I want to know what I did and where I went wrong to make you want to say such hurtful things about me.  I am ready to embark on a quest to restore my name and make it alright again.  I want to be popular again.  What's wrong with me now and what can I do to change?

It's not everyone that doesn't like me; there are just a select few who have been talking negatively about me but that's enough to make me feel like my whole world is crumbling before me.  I don't know who they are, but it is only by the Holy Spirit invested in me that I'm still okay today.  If you haven't noticed, I am extremely sensitive.  I cry when I'm mad and I can't always express my feelings unless I'm writing.  I not naive to think that my world is really ending because several people don't like me.  I am very aware of the tragedies going on in the world and the local ones I pass each day.  However, I can admit that in the midst of these things, there's a deep part of my heart that still aches inside.  I have not yet developed such tough skin.  I will get there one day.  Until then, I can only pray for those people who wish me ill and make sure that what I'm doing serves my audience of one well, Jesus. 

Sometimes, the path in which Jesus leads His people is rough. We start losing friends, popularity, prestige, and losing appeal.  Promoting a relationship with Christ is not a hot topic these days.  It actually pushes people away.  It is never my intention to force anything down anyone's throat.  I do not endorse that whatsoever.  However, I do endorse sharing my faith, being a light, and inspiring and/or encouraging others. That is my truest heart's desire so it does hurt when people cannot see my heart along the way. 

Unfortunately, I don't always get it right. Very recently, I caught myself being a "Martha" instead of a "Mary."  For those of you who aren't too familiar with that story, here are some key points: 1) Both Martha and Mary LOVED Jesus and 2) both Martha and Mary SERVED Jesus.  However, when it was time for Jesus to come visit the home of the two sisters because Martha welcomed Him, Martha was caught up SERVING and WORKING for Jesus and Mary was found at His feet LISTENING and WORSHIPPING Him.  As a result, Martha got mad at her sister and even scolded Jesus for not telling Mary to come help her with the preparations in the kitchen to serve Jesus with. In response, Jesus said that Mary had found exactly what mattered most in life and He would not take that away from her. 

Jesus was saying that what matters most in this life is a true, intimate relationship with Him. What matters most is being able to stop and worship, love, listen to, and adore Him. Yet, I got caught up and distracted with my service to God that I stopped loving Him, loving myself, and loving others.  Some of the things I expressed stemmed from this consistent desire to serve Christ. As a Christ-follower, I am flawed because of my flesh and my drive towards perfectionism cripples me terribly.  I fall short and make so many mistakes.  I'm literally nothing without Him and would be nowhere without His grace and favor on my life. When I am being "Martha", His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).  

The hardest thing to hear is that I believe I am better than others because I am always happy and I have it all together. This pierces my heart for two main reasons.  First, it hurts me because I have grown to be genuinely happy.  Second, it hurts me because the ONLY reason why I am happy is because Jesus saved me.  Beloved, the only reason why my life looks so put together is because I intentionally decide to focus on the blessings God is pouring on my life in the midst of all of my UGLY trials.  In July, I went through hell.  What I could have shared via social media would have never fully captured the reality of what I went through.  I could never truly capture my pain, my tears, my frustration, and my headaches in 140 characters, statuses, or pictures and/or picture captions.  When I could help it, I chose to be positive and even when I fell into a pit of despair, God snuck up behind me and pushed me back up to walk in the light.  God gave me a choice in that valley season of July: I could either be happy and trust Him or I could be miserable and lose all of my faith in Him.  I was too scared to pick the latter. 

I chose to be happy because when I reflect on what God has done for me and where He brought me from I cannot help but rejoice.  Before I recommitted my life to Him, I struggled with a lot of crap. I was envious over others, hurt over being abandoned three separate times, rejected several times by people who said they loved me, had sex with the wrong people, never felt good enough for anyone and anything, was drinking just because I really didn't like myself, and was focusing on other people because I didn't really love who God made me to be.  For about 5 years of my life, I also struggled with depression from things that happened in high school that I never addressed until I came into full intimacy with God.  Can I be even more transparent?  I still deal with some of that dirt today. God surely took me out of my shackles and bondage, but He is still healing me from the scars of my past.  I am realizing more and more that I need Him more than I thought as He reveals more and more of what I still carry deep inside this little heart of mine.  Just read some of my old blogposts from years ago, because, whew, I was going through some emotional baggage!  

Yet, God taught me how I can be truly happy despite the residue in my life for He shows me that my happiness is a gift from Him.  He has bestowed that fruit upon my life and for that I am incredibly grateful. True joy is not dependent on what is occurring in my life; it is found freely through genuine love and worship for Him.  As He tends to my many issues, I can breathe easy and walk gracefully.  The Creator of the universe is tending to my needs, so why must I worry?  Why shouldn't I smile and walk by faith and not by sight?  He got me.  God got me and I believe that with all my heart.  I can stand tall as a woman who is confident and righteous because of Him, despite what I went through.   

So, I guess what I am really saying here is that I am truly sorry for the people that feel that way.  My life is never meant to offend, but I do realize it can convict spiritually.  I am truly hurt by the talks, but I would not and cannot afford to trade the joy I feel each day for anyone or anything. What I experience is real and I can share my daily joys because God took me from a place of hurting to a sanctuary of healing!  His move on my life has been the most powerful explosion that has ever happened to me and I am nowhere near being done.  I am still in recovery.  I am still leaning in on Him.  I still need restoration.  More importantly, I am really not at all what you think I am but hopefully, you will be able to see less of me and more of Him in my life.  Christ is the real one we should be talking about anyway. I am not that special compared to Him.  In fact, He is the very reason why I am special and precious to this world but I hope that you will be able to experience that yourself.  He is worth that all that talk, trust me. 

Love,

Stephanie   

Courtesy of We Heart It

distance go away... | letter #90 |

Dear Long-Lost Soul,

I need to write.  I need to express how I feel right now.  I have to scream.  I must shout.  I am not angry but simply trying to break free.  I want to let loose.  I want to open the floodgates of my heart and exercise my pains.  I want to reveal myself.  I want exposure.  I want to be explored and I need some closure.  I just need someone to tell me it's all going to be alright.  Yet, you see, I am not hopeless or anything, I just feel a little unconquered.  I believe there is more of me that needs to be set free.  I think I've been holding back.  I haven't accessed all that is me. 

But I realize what this is all about... 

I am located in the kingdom of God.  That is where I find my identity.  The moment I said yes to Him, I set myself loose.  He proclaimed me free.  A daily walk with God often involves Him exposing me to who He created me to be from the beginning of time.  He tries to get me to remember the beauty of me before the stain of sin.  He reminds me that all that I need is found in Him.  I don't have to look outside of my relationship with God to find what I need.  Every good gift is from the Lord.  There is no blessing in my life that doesn't sprout from His mighty hand.  He provides me with all that I need and more than I could ever think to ask Him for.  His grace is more than sufficient enough for me at any and all times, no matter what. 

So, I know where to find me.  I know where to go when I think I am lost.  I can locate myself when a distance has taken root from the source.  If I feel lonely, it's because I am not going back to where I belong.  If I feel trapped, it's because I have not embraced the grace He's given me.  I find myself in my relationship with God because He alone has the blueprint to my identity.  He alone has conquered my lands.  He alone can led me to what I still have yet to discover about me. 

If you ever felt like me, as if you were unexposed territory itching to be trekked upon, understand that your fulfillment to discover and cover yourself will only be satisfied through Him.  Only God can show you the depths of your grounds and only He can teach you how to access all that is you. 

 I desire to go access all that is me.  It's a journey worth taking but only with Him at my side. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It Pictures

give me some rain... | letter #89|

Dear Someone, 

If anyone is where I was, in a dry and barren land, then I know you would benefit from these beautiful words of a good Heavenly Daddy.  Currently, I am in a season of rain.  I've transitioned out of that dry place into one that moist. I am experiencing His showers daily in various ways.  I am being filled with the things that I need but often times I feel impatient.  I am anticipating the blooming of flowers in the midst of this outpour but I know I must stay present to what I am in now. 

For anyone who can understand the figurative nature of my speech from personal experience, this message is for you: 

Don't be disappointed. My word never comes back void. This applies to everything that I have spoken over you. What God am I who chafes His mind? I am as stable and unchanging as can be. I am not like you, flowing by the waves of your emotion.  It was always my plan to save my people. Always. You simply didn't get don't get all the parts of My plan. You received fragments and bits of pieces. Do not be upset that I did not lay all of My cards before you. Where is the fun in that? Where will you trust Me if you know as much as Me? I reveal enough to you to give you peace. I hand over information to you to give you rest. I want to increase your faith but I do this but unveiling things in time, that you may always know in your heart that I am the Lord, your God. What I have spoken over you will come to pass.

Do not limit Me by your small faith. Rely on Me to hand over what you need to believe in the promises of your life. Believe in what I have spoken over you even if in your mind the details don't match up. I have the cards called life, not you. Trust me with your limited vision. I will give you what you need to cooperate. I will position you. I will grow you so that no man can boast. All that I have spoken over you will come to pass. All these things will happen to bring glory to My name. Receive it in your heart. It doesn't matter what the circumstances look like. Simply believe what I have spoken over you. Don't try to interpret it into your life. Expand your mind and trust Me to give you the correct vision.  

Have faith in Me, daughter. Have faith in your promise. Have faith that it will come to pass. Have faith in our specific relationship. Don't compare it with others. Have faith in what we have. 

With that being said, I welcome all the rain being poured unto me now and invite Him to continue a beautiful work in me. 

Love,

Nativita

Courtesy of We Heart It Pictures

i rebuke you... |letter #82|

Dear Evil One,

How dare you? How dare you manipulate me with your sick lies and deadly whispers? I should never let you compromise what I have with God right now! Your path leads to death. My Savior's path leads to everlasting life. You disgust me because today, I finally realized how RELENTLESS you are at attacking EVERYTHING I gained in Christ. You will not stop until I am dead, defeated and a distant memory of this world. You will not let up on your attacks because you genuinely feel NO remorse for the evil you do. At the end of this message I will laugh at your silly attempts to ruin my life, but right now, I rebuke your very presence in the name of Jesus Christ my Lord. 

1. You will never again tell me I'm isolated and unimportant among the people around me. God SET me in this place to prosper, with plans of a bright hope and future. I am important and I have a rich community in Christ. 
2. You will never make me feel so worthless. Do I need to remind you that I am the precious daughter of the King Almighty and NOTHING will ever tarnish His great love for me? Back away from my royal walkway. 
3. You will never take away the peace, joy and purpose I gained in Christ. I will not allow you to make me depressed. I will not allow you to make me worry. I will not allow you to steal the dreams my Lord invested especially in me. I was MEANT to change this world so get out of my way! It ain't gonna look pretty for you, trust me. 

You are so sick with foolishness. I can't stand you. I am so angry that I LET you get to me but even that failure you will not hold over me. My God is greater, my God is stronger and my God is higher than any other. He is higher the the deceitful acts of you. Because of Jesus, I am free. Because of Him, I am forgiven and walking in His righteousness. You may have won this battle, but because of CHRIST, I won the war. You will never steal my victory from me no matter how hard you try.  You only break your neck trying so hard because you know you are defeated! Need I remind you what you're going look like at the end of time? Please.  

I have said what I needed to say but even this angry rant I will not carry on with any longer. You are not worth my precious time. Thus, I rebuke you devil! Be beneath my feet and don't ever come at me like that again. I will rebuke you one-hundred times more if I have to. I am not a FOOL to think you won't come back even stronger than the last. But from now on, I will laugh. Your silly arrows will bounce right off of God's protection on me and even if they pierce, my God will ultimately get the victory.

I hope you see that's EXACTLY what is happening now. You pierced me but God took the pain and is STILL getting the victory for it. You're foolish for thinking you can beat God and I am reminded of how adamant I must be at fighting back! 

Be gone, devil. You are no longer safe in this sacred place. 

I praise you Jesus. Thank you for showing me the truth. My heart belongs to you alone. 

Sincerely,

Stephanie 

who said anything about tomorrow... |letter #60|

Dear Students, 

As we all look forward to our designated Spring Break plans the upcoming week (lucky some may already be experiencing that), I wish that we do not rush for tomorrow and forget the importance of today.  Who says that tomorrow is even promised? We who cannot even control the beat of our hearts believe that we ultimately can control our God-given time. We are to prepare ourselves at all costs, but to live for tomorrow would be a waste for the tomorrow that we planned for will be today and today will be meaningless as we look to tomorrow. 

I hope I didn't confuse you, but I learned an important yet simple lesson this weekend. I need to stop thinking about tomorrow and starting living today. According to who I am created in God, I have everything I need to fulfill my purpose today. I will not be lacking in any one thing.  Essentially, that means, I, and you, should not be worrying. We have what we need to be victorious today, don't wait to claim it tomorrow.

So that midterm you have today, ace it. God gives you the victory. The job that stresses you, overcome it.  God gave you the opportunity thus he will gave you the ability.  And the constant thoughts of how much better, how happier, how much clearer, how much healthier, how much more attractive, how much stronger you will be tomorrow needs to apply today. Live like you don't have a tomorrow and believe you have everything you need to not only battle, but win the day that we have been blessed to have seen. 

Love,

Stephanie 

jamaican me crazy... |letter #58|

Dear Everton, 

I found you in the cut of the taxi station, or rather you were taken to me after being persistently "stalked" by your big and burly brother, another taxi driver, who scared the crap out of me. I didn't really trust you yet. You didn't have on the uniform on like the 15 other fancy drivers in the front of the station and I couldn't see your cab to verify if you had the red plate in the back. The ship director warned us that if there was no red plate, there was no safety in that cab in Montego Bay, Jamaica. I didn't want to take any chances and have the ill fate of my life and seven other peers on my conscience. But, I trusted you enough to take the risk, or rather I trusted the price. For twenty dollars round trip per person, we could travel to Ocho Rios for the day and experience the sandy beaches, Dunn's River crystal waterfalls, Margarittaville, Dolphin Cove, and the fresh Jamaican beef patties. Compared to the $30 and more prices the more official cab drivers were offering in conjunction to the fact that we were semi-broke college students, we struck gold. Thus, we decided to get in your car.

The spirits of the day were lively. This was basically the first country that we could explore. It was the start of our semester at sea. I had been to Jamaica twice before, so the crowded raucous roads filled with hustling individuals and a lack of serious traffic rules did not catch me by surprise like it did everyone else. I was used to it and Haiti was worse. The eight of us riding through the Jamaican city held excitement. We were fascinated by the Patois language and burning hot weather, the sweat that spiked our backs while riding in a minivan with all the windows down and the adventure that lay before us. We were ready to experience the day. With one male friend with us, the 7 of us ladies felt confident in doing whatever we chose. As we sat in your van driving through the city, we each pondered our own immediate aspirations.

We didn't arrive in Ocho Rios until almost two hours later and by this time our zeal had waned. I questioned you on the time of travel and you stated you didn't want to risk getting any speed tickets. I could respect that but it was near 1pm and we had to return to the ship by 4:30pm to depart at 5pm. That left us with only 2 hours to explore before we needed to hit the long road back to the port. It also turned out that Ocho Rios left us with little options to explore. The Dolphin Cove was $160 per person and there was no Margaritaville like our ship guide had promised. Thus, we were left with Dunn's River Waterfalls costing us $20 for entry and ensuring us access to a clean beach, food, shopping, and its water activities.  Gladly, I got to eat my Jamaican patty and sip on strong Jamaican rum easily bringing me back to good spirits. You stayed with us the entire time to make sure we remained safe.

After eating, we decided to head to the falls. It turned out that it cost an extra $7 for the shoes to climb it and naturally we objected and continued on our way to simply look at them. You promised that it would be worth and even struck a deal with the sales ladies for us to pay $5 instead. We thanked you for your efforts but still continued. You stayed there to wait on us. We had made the right choice. The falls were beautiful. Many pictures later, we stripped down to our suits and entered them without the shoes and enjoyed the icy richness of the water. We ended up running into more people from the boat and cheered on as two members from our group climbed the falls without shoes. We felt free and sneaky, but happy. Everything had worked out. To our even more of our amazement, the beach down below the fall was even more outstanding. There, we met more friends and enjoyed our last 30 minutes swimming away in crystal blue water.

The trip back to the ship was my favorite part. After what seemed like a long day, it was characterized with random naps and light conversation. You were so delightful to listen to when you talked. You had been a real rasta but changed your life to work to provide for your family. You had showed characteristics of a gentlemen that had made us ladies feel safe and taken care of. You even smoked while you drove saying that it was truly a custom there in Jamaica. I was left completely assumed. Close to the port, you let us stop to shop and because it was you, the store immediately gave us a 60% discount on their merchandise. I got a purse for a very great price.

When we finally returned to the cab station, we embraced you with pictures, thank-you's, and best wishes from grateful hearts. You had made sure we had a good time and remained positive and providing throughout the entire time. Somehow someway, you became more than a sweet memory but a reflection of a good man. You hadn't even counted the money when we handed it to you. It wasn't until we returned to the ship that we found out that your license had expired 6 years ago. All we could really do was laugh. Until next time...

Love,
Stephanie

my gift to you... |letter #57|

Dear My Dearest Sister & Friend, 

My next post was supposed to be about my journey in Jamaica, but this serious situation has come up to my knowledge and it must be addressed in the best way I know how, through my written words. I was about to call you about two minutes ago, but I stopped myself because I knew it wouldn't be enough. You deserve the best of me, not the utter silence I would have offered on the other side. I needed you to truly know how much your loss has affected me and how much your person has uplifted mine since the day our friendship sprout. Sister, I am truly sorry for the loss of such a mentor, leader, model, and friend in your life. As amazed as I am at the loss of this person in your life, I am more amazed at the person you must be for God to allow this to happen now. In other words, you are where God wants you to be while many of us are still crawling. God so called you great enough, underneath his strength and grace, to bear this great burden. You are indefinitely blessed beyond measure. You have the strength, the wisdom, the fight, the hope, the faith, and the passion to carry this. I admire your spirit. I am humbled by your story. 

My heart yearns to embrace yours. I cannot in my best attempt describe to you how truly of a light you have been on my life. Your presence makes me happy and your smile gives me hope. I enjoy the rare moments when I run into you on campus. Your happy nature is contagious. There are many times when you have made me chose to forget why I was so sad. You always make me laugh. Your unique way of speech and passion for life have brought me excitement. These times from foolery in the office have been more humorous with you by my side. You are so caring, sister. When you ask me how I am doing, in my heart I know you truly desired an honest answer. You remember the things I've told you. You make me feel valuable, as if my presence is just as bright as yours to mine. Sister, you are special. You are beautiful. You are gifted. You are uplifting. You are His. 

After this, I still don't feel like it's good enough. I still seek the words to fully describe to you how strongly you affect people and how powerfully your existence blesses those around you. I wish I knew the perfect line that would summarize it all. But I know this, God holy hand is on you and your family to guide, to heal, to nurture, to strengthen, to hold, to touch, to protect, and to love. I know you miss her, that's absolutely normal. Just know that she is looking onto you with pride in her eyes, love in her heart, and a legacy in her hand for you to accept. Don't stop now. God has great plans for you and has equipped you for all lows. Love is your ally and friends are your shields. We will play our part, just don't ever change and don't ever stop the fight. 

I love you Sister. 

Love,

Stephanie 

i can't "can't" anymore... |letter #55|

Dear Someone Who Can Relate, 

When you find yourself once again in a similar situation that caused you hurt in the past, after a while, you cannot help but ask, so what's the (my) problem? I found myself yet again heartbroken from a person I thought I could trust but this time the pain was vicious. My heart was like an infected gash, an open wound unwilling to heal. How could I move past this? I had loved this person and he had loved me. I could call him up at any hour and knew he would be there for me. I played his damsel in distress and he rode like a black knight. He wasn't perfect. We had our highs and lows, but I knew his relationship was one that would last. I could be myself with him, a person few really ever get to see. He would've been the godfather to my child if not the groom at my wedding. Clearly, I was ahead of myself but it happens. 

Well, he betrayed me. It was worse than anything he's done before so I cut him off. I didn't think he even deserved my friendship anymore. I've been trying to get over it but I need to do it the right way. I can't sit and ignore it, I need to deal with it. I need to make myself emotionally available to be healed. I need to stop worrying about the fact that he's not worrying about me and start helping myself out of this and start worrying about me. I need to think about me. I need to love myself out of this. Thus, I pray this prayer with the ever longing attempt to take what pains me and pray for the opposite:  

1. I can't stand one who refuses to fight. Lord, send me a man who will fight for our love.
2. I struggled with one who lied. Lord, send me a man who will shower me with truth.
3. I dealt with one who flaked. Lord, send me a man who knows what he wants.
4. I can't stand one who is childish. Lord, send me a man who will be spiritually grown.
5. I struggled with with one who over-dominated. Lord, send me a man who can be my match.
6. I dealt with one who lacks interest. Lord, send me a man who wants to know my every detail.
7. I can't stand one who forgets. Lord, send me a man who loves to remember.
8. I struggled with one who was selfish. Lord, send me a man who willing to give.
9. Finally, I dealt with one who stressed. Lord, send me a man who brings me your joy.

Instead of focusing on what I can't stand and struggled with, I'm praying myself through what I do want, can stand, and would love to deal with. I'm going to heal myself with light, not the shadows of my past. 

Love,

Stephanie

to the one who ran away... |letter #47|

Dear the One Who Ran Away, 

This will probably be one of the realest messages I will ever post because as of right now, I don't want to continue to carry seven months worth of baggage between us. It's taking me so long to write this because I'm trying to understand each sensation that ripples through me. I feel sad, upset, disappointed, angry, guilty, resentful, hurt, and more intensely, pain.  It's no longer right between us because we never even talked about where things went wrong. We just act like everything is okay, but every time I am around you I am reminded of the things I was too afraid to say and the feelings I tried to cover.  Why are we acting like everything is how its supposed to be? Why are we acting like this doesn't hurt?

You came into my life because I chose you. I wanted you to have a place. I shared my life with you and we pushed each other towards our dreams. I always believed in you, and I trusted you did the same for me. We went through crap, dealing with boys, messing with grades, trying to make the cut, and finding out who were were as women. We went through that crap together.  I haven't known you for half my life, but the year and a half I did we grew to become sisters. But now we can't even communicate like friends. 

I don't know why you feel this way towards me, and I don't know why I feel this way towards you. I feel sad because I care about this relationship. I feel upset because I lost a connection and fluidity of trust. I feel disappointed because we were supposed to talk this out like regular friends. I feel angry because I felt like you never appreciated me in your life. I feel resentful because I gave so much and felt like it all went to waste. I feel hurt because you never gave me time to express how I felt and I feel pain because this hurts so much I can't even stand to continue writing.

I'm sick of this. I'm tired of pretending and hiding the truth. We think things in our mind but we don't say it. We grow apart and allow it. We make mistakes and don't own up to it. We play the game but don't finish it. Well, I'm done but if I have to fight for you, I will. I don't know how your other friendships went and I don't know if you realize how you push people away, but if I have to put up with this for a possible happy ending, that's what I will do. Why? I don't want to see you fall. I don't want to see you unhappy. I don't want to see you struggle with hurt and forgiveness. I don't want to see you regret and I'm not the type to give up on someone that I truly love, despite it all.

Maybe I'm wrong about you. Maybe you're happier without this in your life. Maybe my perception is flawed, but at this point, I don't know and little do I care.  I would rather try to reach out to you in my distortion than sit in my ignorance. I refuse to simply let this go. 

Take it or leave it because I am not going to change. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

too enslaved to be free... |letter #45|

Dear Those Who Want Financial Freedom, 

This weekend was all girls' weekend, meaning yes, there was shopping, dancing, partying,  maybe even a little drinking and acting a silly fool involved.  But especially SHOPPING.  I took my best girl friends over to a huge mall about 20 minutes out of town simply because his mall had every single store in the world that we were looking for and mind you, we were all looking for different things.  We walked in and I could not help but marvel at the vast array of shoes, jewelry, outfits, and accessories I could chose from. I immediately thought of all the pieces that could compliment my own back home and I could not help but get excited and hope. But of course, I stopped myself from even going there....  I just knew I could not afford anything that I wanted.  Not one single thing. 

I constantly worry about money especially since I have to pay rent. I never know when my next will cover and how much extra I will have each month.  I literally count each penny when it comes to my finances.  It's not being smart, its being ENSLAVED.  It drove me crazy that I couldn't buy more than half of the things I wanted over in Forever 21 and H&M, my 2 favorite stores because of the lack of money. And when I did buy a $20 dress.... I hated my self for it. I told myself I shouldn't have because I would need that $20 bucks for something else of semi-more importance.

That's when I thought of Empower Network and why I joined in the first place. Here was my open opportunity to gain that freedom I so desired for so long and I had been neglecting my way out.  Empower Network is my way out of the bondages of being a BROKE COLLEGE BLACK GIRL and into becoming that financially secure women I know I can become in only a matter of time. 

So why was I sitting of my butt still counting my pennies? Because to be honest, we don't appreciate a good thing when we see it.  It's only when its taken away from out lives that we realize how much worth, power, and future our good thing had.  Empower Network is my good thing before I became WUSSY.  I started getting lazy and wishing things would just happen for me just like that (where they do that at?!).  But guess what, life doesn't work that way because everything in life that is well worth fighting for is work.  But guess what, this is the best type of work, why?  

1. You don't have to be experienced to work this job. 

2. You don't need to rich to start. 

3. You don't need to be jobless to work. 

So... what are you waiting for? Well wussy no more, this girl is on the move and I suggest you do the same unless you never want to shop a day in your life again... I want to be able to buy the whole mall, wouldn't you?  First goal, shopping.

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

If you enjoyed this passage, please click the highlighted links throughout the work to learn about my business to read more, click on the Empower Network page to watch my personal video, orclick here!

the little things i love about you... |letter #40|

Dear Anieza,

Now that I finally expressed the things I was too afraid to tell you aloud, I feel a relief of the negativity I held and am eager to think of all that I really love about you.  In order words, for everything we have been through, here's twenty little things that are cute about you: 

1. Your infamous duck-face. I know you still have those MySpace pictures saved. 
2. Your hyena laugh (or is that used to describe mine?). Regardless, its obnoxious, but totally you. 
3. The silly way you think aloud, mixing up related thoughts with ones completely random. 
4. Your optimism. You can make a beggar be content with his condition. 
5. The fact that you aren't afraid to laugh at awkward things in the movie theaters. 
6. How much you passionately hate any boy who breaks my heart. 
7. Your inspired style. You know exactly how to work your curves.
8. Your dedication to your commitments. Zumba should brag of your perfect attendance. 
9. The fact that you make every ridiculous thought I have feel like its special. 
10. Your smile. Any boy would be lucky to have just that. 
11. The fact that you are ALWAYS trying to get live and you rock my Spelman hand.
12. Your brain. You're a Florida Gator, graduated with honors, what more can I say. 
13. You created an campus organization to help young females raise their standards.  Boss. 
14. The fact that we are obsessed with the same type of music. Track 16. 
15. You make me feel safe. I know I can always trust you with anything. 
16. Your compassion. You truly care about the people around you. 
17. The way you always inspire those to do the right thing.
18. Your natural hair. Whatever you do, its always beautiful.
19. The fact that there is no one as weird, loving, glorious, positive, and special as you. 
20. You are my best friend.  You hold the key to my personal place.  Enough said.

I love you.

 Can't wait for the rest of our lives as sisters, cousins, and best friends. 

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

just awkward... |letter #39|

Dear Those Who Might Care,

You ever been in those awkward situations and look at it like, dang, why did I even do this to myself? These often include talking to two friends at a time, knowing something that your best friend doesn't know but finding out through someone else, finding information you have no business even being involved hearing, having too choose sides in the middle of your parents' argument, accidentally sending a very private text to the wrong person and other sticky situations that we all hope not to be caught up with. Well, I'm most likely in the most awkward and sticky predicament at this current moment of my life, and it's pissing me off.  Why?

• Cause it wasn't my fault.  Okay, don't think I'm putting the blame on someone else. It's just how it happened. I couldn't help that these options came into the picture at the same time and everything just got along. 

• Because I wanted the situation to stay the same just as it sorted out. I didn't want to give up either option because I wanted them both.

• I had both options, and now both will disappear in a matter of time. So the situation that I allowed to create will soon dissipate, and I have no say. 

• Finally, both options conflict to the point that I can't even have either or, cause that would just be... wrong. 

I'm upset because I don't get what I want and this shouldn't have happened anyway.  It's so easy to blame other things, but I can't succumb to play dumb to save my own self.  I need to admit when I've been wrong. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

look past my face... |letter #29|

Dear Those Who Do Not Who I Am, 

Here lies my piece inspired by an unknown Haitian poem: 

You asked me if I was sure I was from Ayiti

So it seems you carry this mentality

That deep down inside you believe

I do not look like I am from Haiti

Your media coverage

Shows you impoverished

Barefoot and hungry

Seeking food and water in the slums,

It paints the negative of my cultural drums

In a light of despair.

But beautifully

There is more to my country than slums, hunger and poverty

Your idea and concept of me

Is not what I have proven to be,

Accent on my tongue and pride in my eyes,

Yes, I am a product of Ayitis thighs

But still I don't look, sound or act Haitian?

Is it my style of dance that has you in awe?

Have you never seen a Haitian dance kompa before?

Have you never seen passion as raw as mine?

And dark night beauty as culturally fine?

Or is it Haiti’s first black independence that has you so timid?

Don’t let your perception have you so limited.

Look past my face, dark, light or distinct,

Look past my hair, straight, curled or kinked,

Look past your own mentality

But gaze into my heart and you will see,

That my nationality is defined in three letters and that is

I E T!

"I am Haitian not only because I was born mentally in Haiti, but because Haiti was born in me."

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

ten more things i'm too afraid to say... |letter #28|

Dear Those in My Past, Present, & Future,

1. Somewhere inside, I want to rebel against my ways. 
2. I've been looking for something that I found with someone else already. 
3. I feel like that end time is close and it's hard to feel like it hasn't been a waste of time. 
4. I'm conflicted on who I should be, who I want to be, and who I am. 
5. Some part of me wants to live that rich, famous, fast life. 
6. I'm not a sweet as I used to be for good reason. 
7. I'm terrified of losing any one of my family members. 
8. I'm scared of never reaching what I see as success. 
9. Sometimes I struggle with high self-doubt. 
10. I can be very pessimistic. 
    
    
    
    

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

just make me smile already... |letter #27|

Dear Anyone Who's Willing to Listen, 

Today's has't been my day. I feel like I'm experiencing the aftermath of everything that has been occurring  the past week horribly.  My best friend and I got into a fight, family is in chaos, I broke one of my vows, I had the worst goodbyes, I took annoying finals, and my car is acting crazy. 

Okay, let me stop being so depressing. It has not been all that bad. I experienced good too, maybe a even a little too good. Yet, the emotional roller coaster of this week has left me dead, tweaking, and unusable. It sucks to compare your life to other people. I am in no way going through some of the unfortunate situations others around are. I'm not broke, starving, or orphaned. I can afford school and can achieve an education. On top of that, I can enjoy life with spontaneous trips around the world and random getaways. I don't have to worry about tomorrow and stress about yesterday. In the end, I'll get over it. I always do.  So what am I complaining about?

 Honestly, all I wanted was to share how I felt deep inside.  I wanted someone to smile gently when I pout and hug me when my shoulders slouch. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be alright not because other people have it worse but because I have it good.  Honestly, all I wanted was for someone to listen. So thank you to you.

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

it's not that complicated... |letter #23|

Dear Long-Lost-Love, 

I thought about you today, even though I didn't want to.  I couldn't help but think how much I miss you.  I can't seem to get away from the fact that still, no one ever makes me feel the way you make me feel.  I try so hard to let you go, but honestly, I really love you.  Don't get hard-headed.  Let me make this clear.  I am currently diagnosed with heartache with symptoms including weakness, vulnerability, irrationality, and frustration.  Therefore, don't think that this is step up on your ladder to hear the girl who needs to neglect you for several months at a time confess that inside it kills her not to be with you.

Courtesy of sleepyjeanie

Courtesy jessica.garro

Quite frankly, I'm just being honest. I would do anything to wrap hands once again and feel the electric sensation of our touch.  How I miss those nights where we would fall asleep to the sound of each other's voices.  I miss our in depth conversations about everything and nothing and the shy innocent way you turn peach when you blush.  I wish I could take you away to my own world where we would simply be.  I wish I was back living in your familiar embrace and existing in the terrains of your mind. I miss how scary I felt connected to your soul.  It scares me that I still feel that way.  More so, it scares me that I won't be able to feel this funny way and find this unexplainable connection between us with someone else one day.

Courtesy of akshay moon

Courtesy of Jane Rahman

You make me so mad because I wish you never complicated things. You should have never seduced me into your intellect and invaded my space in the first place.  I was perfectly happy living alone in my brain.  Weakness is the worst part of this disease.  It makes me feel like I would do anything for you. It strips from me all my womanly powers.  Don't get excited because I'll recover from it eventually.  I just wish you would do things my way just for once.  It would make my life just a little bit easier.  I wouldn't have to pretend like I didn't love you.

Courtesy of ajari 

Love,

Stephanie