feeling some type of way... |letter #85|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I felt some type of way just now.  Oh yes, I wasn't feeling real nice but I see how much I needed to see that picture of that boy who was sweet talking my ear the night before boo'ed up with some other girl. I needed to see it because it was a wake up call.  It was a very nice check back to my reality orchestrated beautifully by the Lord.  

"Wake up, Stephanie!  Your 'friend' was selling you dreams.  Wake up, Stephanie!  Stop falling for the make believe!  Wake up, your authentic man designed just for you is own his way!  Just wait on it.  I promise he's coming." 

I needed to unblind my eyes to the fleshy trap I was falling for.  I needed to realize the entertainment of tall tales could cost me my sanity and heart.  I am saving myself for you.  There is no other.  I was not meant to frolic about among the player's wave but be preserved within the sanctuary of my Daddy's presence.  What was I thinking to even allow myself to receive the banter and emotionally ridden thoughts we exchanged?  I must have forgotten how incredibly compatible you will be for me.  I must have forgotten only yours would be the words I would crave.  I must have forgotten you are worth the wait.

Future husband, I now vow to you my heart, my attention, my love, and my dedication.  I don't need to meet you to actually aim to save my prized and precious goodies for you.  I don't need to spend romantic time with those who were meant to be merely distractions.  Simply because my Father tells me so, I await the day you will expertly slip in between me and my Daddy's dance.  Only you have the two-step to make a lasting impression.  Simply because my Father tells me so, I await the day I can serve you as a wife.  I promise I won't serve these passing men any longer; my heart was meant for yours alone.  

So come, beloved.  I wait for you.  Come. 

Love, Stephanie 

you must not know about me... |letter #84|

Dear My Future Husband, 

You must know about me.  You must have been able to match the cost of my value.  You must have recognized the high price I am worth and pulled out your all of your investments to be able to afford all that is me.  You are a blessed man indeed.  You were the special one God equipped to righteously earn my royal blood.  Does this make me cocky?  On the contrary, I am only Biblically confident.  I am beginning to fully assume my esteemed worth as Christian woman.  I am the daughter of a great King.  I need not settle for jesters or jokers who can't even afford half of what I cost.  But you could.  You are equally mine. 

 Does it make me any less lovable because those who came before you didn't want me for long?  Have I lost my value because I "wasn't enough" for them?  If I believed these lies, I question how far I would be or how behind I would be.  It's too easy to equate my worth with the actions of a man.  If he doesn't want to be with me, I must be missing something.  If he's still talking to other girls, I must not "badd" enough.  I am certainly not "it" if he cannot commit.  How foolish?  Who I was as a woman paralleled the limited perspectives of the men who viewed me.  My temporary "boos" determined whether or not I was "wifey material".  They alone decided if I made the cut.  I fell for all of it.  I believed it secretly.

And yet, I was almost caught in this sickening mindset once again.  Thinking negatively about an ex and convincing myself that I wasn't good enough will often lead me to these brash conclusions. Until God stepped in and reminded me WHOSE I was and WHO I was.  Simply because several men were too silly to keep me or smart enough to let me go does not mean I am deformed, inadequate, or bland.  My essence does not depend on the opinions of men but on the one opinion of Him who matters. 

Can I say I am perfect? Absolutely not. I know I had several insecurities when dating.  I am very well aware of the part I played in the downfall of my relationships.  My biggest mistake yet was gaining those insecurities by relying on the perceptions of men in order to define who I was. Sometimes, their actions towards me only reflected the low worth I was assuming for myself. How can I blame them? I was not perfect at all. Yet, I can say that my imperfections are now made righteous with Jesus Christ, my Savior.  He alone can complete me and He alone can say all that I am. 

Therefore, may I just remind you, man of God, how incredibly fortunate you are?  May I simply applaud your matching caliber?  You are my perfect match, not by your own doings but because of God's work in you.  You were the one who I was meant for all along.  You will be the one who will get ALL that I've been working with, with no restraints. I am a fine woman of God! The fruits of the Spirit surge passionately between my bones. I am not missing one good thing for Jesus Christ lives in me.  He shapes me to be all woman I can be. I am all that you have dreamt of.  I am what you never thought existed. What blessing it is for you to receive me? 

He has called you mine and I am now yours.  Finally, a man who was willing to meet God's standards and acquire me. You were very well worth the wait. 

Love,

Stephanie

sting be gone... |letter #80|

Dear My Future Husband,

I'm sorry. I've done something bad and I'm paying the price for it now so that you won't have to deal with it later. I've been waiting for a while to get these feelings out. They've been permeating my inner core for some time now, but frankly, I've allowed them to boil for too long. It's taken residence within my soul. How I want freedom from this pain. I want redemption from these perverted expectations. I was never supposed to be with him. I was never supposed to experience this hurt. I was supposed to save myself for you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

I have been praying about this baggage for months now but the more I pray the stronger my awareness becomes of it. It's as if God is tearing me apart just to rebuild me later. He's preparing me for you. He's claiming my allegiance back to Him. I want God to do the rebuilding now. The ripping of my heart is too much to bear. I feel everything. I see the memories. I hear the moments. I don't want to deal with the consequence of giving my heart away. I wish I would have known it would be this excruciating for God to steal it back, just for Him, just for you.

Because the thing was, I really liked him, even when I knew I shouldn't.  For the first time, I felt like I really fit with someone and the only person he would ever accept was the one who was really me. I was used to pleasing men to get my way or acting like a pseudo female to allure them to me. I was so bad at getting into relationships that I believed I needed to change how I acted to finally get what I wanted. Well, it didn't work for him. Instead, it made him push away from me. I found that our spirits coincided in the times I showed him how soft-spoken I was and eccentric my habits really were. He accepted it. He embraced it. He made it just too easy. 

It was that much harder for me to give it all up. I didn't want to lose something when I was so close to having it, this special relationship I desired since I could walk. I didn't want to be forced to choose between him and God and him and you. I know you will be better, but then I knew him. I know you will be more, but then I liked him. I still like him. In my utter bluntness, I'm saying that God needs to make you a million-trillion-infinite times better for me to forget about him and focus on you. He just has too. Yet, what I love is knowing that God will do just that. God wants nothing better for me but the real deal. 

You are the real deal because you have been designed for me before I inhaled my first breath. You will be everything that I ever wanted and more. Not only I am confident, but my God has confirmed it to me in His words. I will be your perfect match. You will be forever mine. Our relationship has been one ordained by God. It was written in the Book. There is not turning back from what God has already manifested in the spiritual realms. 

But, I am not silly enough to think you will fulfill me and I am not lonely enough to settle for what is "good" and not "God." However, I am smart enough to know that the God who loves me will give me the desires of my heart. I am even smarter to know that my God is all that I will ever need. If I never got you, I will be more than okay. I only stand firm on these beliefs because God doesn't lie. My feet rest on the steady ground of His promises over my life and yours. I also know that I will never be ready to receive you until I am fully satisfied in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't even want you until I am complete in my Jesus. 

This is the part when it starts to make sense. The very introduction of His name brings both clarity and peace.  You see, Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. He carried the burden of my heartbreak so that I can receive everlasting healing. He suffered so that I can be free. He hurt so that I can find joy. Simply experiencing the rough pain of my separation from a man who was not my betroth is not even a taste of the agony Jesus felt just for my sins. He felt the sting the moment I gave my heart away. He felt it so God could give my sorrowful face a second look. God covered me in righteousness instead. 

The rebuilding of my heart has started now because I surrendered this pain I kept captive long in my heart.  Because of Jesus, I am scrubbed clean and shaken free. Due to His good sacrifice, I can be your wife: pure, holy, righteous, new, and yours once and for all.  

I hope you're ready for this. I'm one beautiful piece of Godly work, a rare diamond in the rough.

Love, 

Stephanie

things just got personal... |letter #75|

Dear My Future Husband,

Today marks a very special day. No, I didn't meet you yet, of course. I discovered something better. God's voice. Today was the first time that God actually answered me immediately after I prayed for something. It happened so quick that I doubted it. I needed to confirm that I had really heard Him and not my own thoughts.

But to be honest, outside of confirmation, I knew deep down it was His. When He spoke, it almost sounded like me, but it wasn't. I could tell something was different about it when the moment I heard it I felt elevated, as if I was on some supernatural plane. He only said one word, which was the answer I was looking for, but it echoed within my spirit. It reverberated ripples of quiet repetitions of His spoken word. 

I felt confident. I felt at peace. I felt shocked. I felt still. I had finally heard His voice and it had only taken but a moment.

The thing is, God is always talking to me. I just don't pay attention or sensitive myself to His voice. But I've been practicing. I've been spending so much time with Him. I've been praying for this exact moment when I could finally hear Him whisper into my ears instead of catching His words from the ears of another. 

My relationship with Him has just become more... intimate.

It's been a long time coming but I knew it would happen. I asked, I believed, and today, I received. Praise my Holy and High Friend. 

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 NIV.

Love, 

Stephanie

8 days left... |letter #73|

Dear My Future Husband,

 I should always feel like I can talk to you, especially when it's about feelings I am not proud of. I was reluctant to tell you because I was embarrassed. You are going to read about it anyway. The enemy tries to make me think that as a Christ-lover, I have to be perfect. His lies make me believe that I have to have it all together and that I can never have moments of weaknesses.  That is the biggest set of boloney I've heard. What kills me is that I let it formulate truth into my thoughts over God's word.

Not today. I won't hide my personal setbacks because of the idea that I'm not supposed to have them. If I was perfect, what was the purpose of Christ giving up His life for me? He knows I'm going to fall at times which is why He is already there to catch me. So, here goes, my funky stench:

   There are eight days left in my campaign and my state of performance has been threatened. I found myself thinking, Honestly, I don't care anymore. If I don't get the money, I'll be happy to finally get a break. Yes, I thought that. I am so mentally, emotionally, and physically tired from this work God has personally told me to do that my human flesh is telling me to give up. It is looking for an easy way out. It's trying to stop spreading the word, stop asking for donations, stop walking up to strangers, stop writing about it, stop talking about, stop making flyers, stop creating media, stop doing everything related to this project so I can walk away from my heavy exhaustion and constant on call duties.  

Spending hours of full faith at time to promote this dream is a concept that I am finally exploring the full definition to. As a student, I get things quick. I don't need to use countless hours studying materials like some of my peers because I have a great memory and understanding foreign information is almost second nature. I've pursed many dreams, but this is the very first big one where I have completely handed the reigns in His hands. This is the first one where I've had to devote more than just time and energy. My heart, mind, body, and soul is heavily involved, more than usual. 

I just need to have incredible faith, or, one as small as a mustard seed. The yoke is supposed to be light, so why am I complaining? I asked myself this and my answer was to go to God through my daily devotionals. He has become my first source for everything now. He answered me in six different ways:

1. Be thankful in ALL circumstances, always.
2. Pray about everything. Yes, even that that I think is unimportant & silly. It matters to Him.
3. Do not stop praying. Persistence builds character, faith, & hope.
4. Stop beating myself up for everything I do wrong. Just repent and ask Him to heal my wounds.
5. Love harder. This includes even the strangers I pass by.
6. DO NOT QUIT. Don't give up. The rewards are closer than I think.

I don't know about you hubby, but that was enough to set me straight. So I keep calm and carry on. It's always worth it with Jesus.

Love,

Stephanie

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10 days left... |letter #70|

Dear My Future Husband, 

This has been one of the most difficult things I've had to do because I am forced to abandon my incessant control and trust the one who is bigger than me.  Force, in the sense that without Him I can do no great thing on my own. 

Today, I woke up with fear in my heart. I imagined the obligations that this day held. I lacked hope, peace, and confidence in the work before me. Something felt so wrong about today that it scared me. 

So, I called Him. Cried, is a better word. I cried like a baby. I was fed up with answering questions I didn't know, planning things that didn't work, and reaching people who didn't respond. I've become accustomed to running to Him for every little thing. So I went to the source and he led me to green pastures. He told me how it breaks His heart that we only associate Him with duty and never with rest. He reminded me that only in Him do I find my confidence and peace. It's okay to relax. It's okay to lay, especially in His presence. 

He sets a bed of compassion and love for my name. He works when I come, and if not, He waits until I make the conscious choice to seek Him in the midst of His work for me. He is both the commander and healer. Outside of Him, I should have no want. He can give it all. 

I feel so refreshed. I feel safe now. I am no longer fearful. I am no longer burdened. Despite my humanly weaknesses and crazy thoughts, I know I'm going to be okay and this will all work out for His glory. He is faithful. 

I am ready for what He has for me today. 

Love, 

Stephanie

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compromise... |letter #63|

Dear My Future Husband, 

Lately, I've been practicing. I've been exploring, touring, and investing, until I realized that I wanted more. I wanted a relationship. I liked what I studied, appreciated what I learned, and aimed to conquer what I marked. He didn't feel the same way.

I found myself at the point of dissatisfaction. I almost denied its' coming. We had transformed from something that was natural in fluidity into a unfortunate condition to be controlled.  Where there once was direction, I found broken arrows. Where there once was clarity, I was blinded with the ambiguity of our relationship. When did we stop making plans? What happened to our once intimate communication? Where were we going?

I needed answers. Through the course of this exploration, my feelings had changed. I now desired stability, consistency, and unrequited affection. I now desired commitment. I began to question his motives and intents. What was he getting out of this now restricted relationship and what was I gaining?  It left my spirit unsettled. Yet, I've grown to appreciate his person, our discussions, and my affections. I've grown to desire our togetherness and the company we bring. I don't doubt whether its reciprocated; we are simply on two separate pages. We desire two different outcomes for the situation at hand. But something needed to be said and done and it was. 

So a long and somewhat awkward conversation later, we stand unconnected. It was decided that would be best. All or nothing, no halfway in betweens. No playing house, no give or take, no disappointments, and no settling. It was bittersweet. Bittered by the invited space that would come between us but sweetened by the attachment broken to an unguaranteed position.

As I welcome feelings to still accommodate his company, I fail to realize that the positivity of his attention will be followed by the downfall of my unmet desires. Although I truly enjoy being around him, I will essentially walk away with the aftertaste of what I never received. I fail to realize that in seeking to cherish our times is a compromise of myself. After a while, this negative aftertaste will overshadow the brightness of his affection. I will have settled for what I could get instead of walking away from what I didn't desire or deserve. 

So in conclusion, I learn to guard my heart, keep my standards unchanging, and stand firm in who I am and what I want.  I value my feelings more than an excuse, a fear, a bad timing, or an inconvenience. This was not a waste, it was an opportunity to learn and break bad habits. I am most grateful to life. Peace resides in my heart in knowing that I did not compromise myself any further. I also gained a special friend who I can only ask for respect in my decision.  

Because, you see, any man would be absolutely silly not to want and pursue me. Clearly, you will realize that. 

So until then..

Love, 

Stephanie 

ring the alarm... |letter #50|

Dear My Future Husband,

It's my wedding day and I am in the worst condition. I'm nervous. I can't believe I found the love of my life and I'm about to marry you in the next couple hours, maybe minutes. I'm a beautiful mess in a long hugging white gown and generous hair styled modestly; inside my mind is racing. I had been single for so long, I wouldn't know how to act in a marriage, much less get through my wedding day. I can't pull my eyes off my own reflection in the mirror.  A woman stares back, one with mature eyes and a form that screams confidence. This woman could not be me, for inside I feel like a little girl ready to run back to the things I find familiar, to the boys who didn't love me like they should. I'm scared to grow up. I'm numb. It's my wedding day.

There's a knock on the dressing room door signaling my return to reality. I touch up my face and gather my train.  I square my shoulders and quiet my nerves. This was it; my perfect vision sprouted into a tangible vision. I had waited for this my whole life, dreamt about my wedding day since I was a young girl. I greet my mom and sisters at my exit. They flood me with squeaks of enjoyment and squeezes of encouragement. They tell me how beautiful I am and how right this was. Their smiles illuminate and postures display elegance as they walk down the aisle.  I can't see you, it's not my turn yet. I miss you already, I need you by my side.

I start to panic. I grab hold of my dad by my side. I am disconnected within myself. It's my wedding day and I'm letting fear strip my joy. I'm allowing negativity to poison my blessing. My dad starts to walk, the music cues, the melodic tunes brings me back to thoughts of you, thoughts of my wedding day, this special day.  My dad's movements give me strength. I lean on him as it's my last. I loved this man. He taught me how to love you.  My eyes are downcast until I reach the arch. There are so many people gushing at me, few crying. I know them all.  I am lifted with joy. I smile graciously. I still can't see you. I'm counting down the moments and as I count as fast as I can, you appear and my eyes pour into yours and my heart stops.

You are the humanly picture of God's unconditional love and I am almost in tears at the vibrancy of His presence through you. My anxieties and fears are shattered like an image of broken glass. I am confident as I walk towards your sweet spirit.  Your face reads one of pure happiness. Our tears begin to mirror each other's.  I am reminded of our love, our memories, the way you stroke my hair when you tell me you love me. Yet it was more, I could not shake the power of Our Creator in this moment, his ordained arrangement called me and you. My wedding day becomes more than just a physical attainment, it's a spiritual divinity. It is perfect, not because of our flaws but because of His imperfections. I forget my fears, they mean nothing anymore. I forget the past loves, they mean nothing anymore. I forget the past me, God set me free.

Not only will I love you, but I was meant to love you for God tells me so. My wedding day is exactly the way it should be and I look forward to that blessed day.

Love, 
Stephanie

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on my own... |letter #43|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I don't really want to talk about this, but I know that I need to get it out of my system.  I didn't even know who to talk about it with, who to address it to really, but I figured since you're supposed to be my best friend, it should be you.  I don't know how to say this without being completely obvious, but I'll try my best. I no longer feel at home.  Instead, I feel as if I should feel guilty for who I am in this place.  I am often looked upon as being able to afford what others can't and have often experienced the obligation to provide for those based these silent declarations.  Vague, I know, but when I really tell you in the privacy of my home, you will understand. 

Basically, I am borderline being taken advantage of because of where I stand today.  According to those, I am not allowed to ask for help, because I should never need it.  I should never be of need because everything will be handed to me.  I don't deserve the freebies of others because I should be one giving away.  So when I do need, I am the one at fault. When I do seek, I am the one to blame.  The good things I have done don't count.  It doesn't that I have remained humble, considerate, and respectful. It matters where I came from and what I represent. I don't deserve to be taken care of. 

Simply, because it wouldn't be fair to someone else and I am too privileged. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

am i cheating... |letter #38|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I don't know how to tell you this, but I think I like someone and I'm not sure if it's you yet.  Don't freak out. I think I should just wait and see because last time I thought I found you, I was nowhere close to finding my Mr. Right.  But this one, he's something else. We ladies are quick to think a man is different from the last.  I say, a person will always show you his/her true colors from the beginning, forget the set up later.   So from the beginning... It was something nice.

He's handsome, almost too attractive. I often have to silence some inappropriate thoughts when I'm around him (just saying). He's passionate about what he's into, which is sweet.  He really cares about others on top of his work.  When I think of him, I think of a man. He steps up to the plate, is direct, and plays little games. Makes me feel like I need to be a little more grown to keep up. 

And because of that, I feel like a little girl around him.  He makes me so nervous I can't stand it.  Sometimes, I get too panicky to even contact him.  Then, he thinks he can invade my mind, like I gave him permission for all that. But honestly, I liked his approach. I didn't even know he was interested. We were such good friends for so long. I even hesitated to mess that up.  I know he cares about me and I learned to do the same. I believe that that's how it should be.  My significant other (you) should be my best friend first, lover second.  So it makes me think, what is it about this guy that gets me jitters?  Either he something special or its all in my head. We'll see. 

At the end of the day, whether it happens with him (or you?) or not, it'll be an experience I can one day just smile at.  So, don't take it too seriously, unless it you. Then you should start making some serious moves, cause I'm definitely into you. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

my lips are sealed... |letter #37|

Dear My Future Husband, 

Get me tell you my secrets, which are the thoughts I would never say out loud.  A friend just asked me if I censored myself when I write. In a way, I do because I don't want everything in my mind to be too exposed.  Yet, lately I've been feeling some type of extra restriction.  I feel as if no one really wants to know what's bouncing around in my head or else they would have sought it out.  At the same time, I think somewhere along the way I picked up the fear of rejection.  What if they don't like what I have to say? More so, what if I don't like what I have to say? I can be my worst critic. 

I'm so quiet, often times withdrawn.  It's hard for me to share what I'm thinking especially when its an unfinished thought.  Sometimes, I'm scared to simply show people what I really think and how I really feel.  As strong as I seem, I still don't like to be judged.  I don't like people thinking I'm something that I wouldn't want them to think of me, even if it's true. But as resistant as I am to express myself, I hurt when I can't.  I need to tell you why I didn't like the way you just looked at me crazy and why it hurts when you don't call me back.  I need to tell you how I love when you tickle me and when I appreciate you sharing your food with me.  I need to tell you my doubts and my worries, my hopes and certainties.     I struggle to talk to others, but if I can't talk to you, what are we really doing?

So make me feel like you want to know everything.  Make me feel safe to share my intermost desires and feelings.  I'm sensitive to negligence and repellent to artificiality.  Love me the most by encouraging me to open up.  I want to tell you more than everything I can.

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

i'm not ready for this relationship... |letter #34|

Dear My Future Husband,

The Rules I Need to Live By Before You:

I can't love you unless I love myself.  I can't love myself unless I love God first. 

I can't expect you to offer me anything that I can't offer you. 

I need to realize that the phone works both ways. 

I can't expect you to read my mind unless I can, which obviously I can't. 

I can't let you to allow me unrestraint freedom and not expect you to do the same.

I can't expect you to trust me when I don't, unless you've given me a reason not to. 

I cannot lose the dreams and desires of my heart just to be with you. 

I cannot force you to change. 

So until then,

 I'm not ready for this relationship. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

seriously weird... |letter #30|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I need to be completely vulnerable with you right now for like a split second and let you know that I will probably be the weirdest person you know at your present state of life. I am so freaking weird:

Why?  

I think way to much about nothing at all. I talk passionately to myself when I'm not in the mirror. I'm obsessed with salami and cheese. I laugh to myself when people fall down the stairs and smile when people tell me sad stories.  I like to bother people silly and talk gibberish with seriousness. I sit here and write about my gushy girly feelings and expect people to actually read it. I inspect my food after every bite and like feeling awkward. I don't like odd numbers just because I said so.  I make crazy facial expressions and I can't let my lips be dry for more than one second. I like it when people play with my ears. I hate it when people give me constructive criticism and I cry when I'm mad. I stare people down with a straight face and get mad if they shoot me a dirty look. I get paranoid about whether people are paying attention to me. I always vomit when I drink too fast.  I need to shower in a specific way and can't express my feelings in person for crap. I don't like it when people look at my feet and the list unfortunately goes on. 

But I like it. I like all the little quirks that make me me.  If I didn't I think I would be miserable.  I make me laugh and I think I'm actually hilarious.  So if I like me, I think you should like me to. I'm glad you already do. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

i met you in the men's restroom... |letter #24|

Dear My Future Husband,

Tell me, what did you think of me the moment you first laid eyes on me?  Outside of my physical appearance, did you take me as someone who was incredibly shy?  Hopefully, if I have not met you already I will have outgrown that stage of my personality by then. Or, did you believe I was a nerd?  Most likely, you may have thought I was mysterious as I tend to be very quiet about what nuisances go on in my brain in the beginning.  Also, you can tell me if what you thought of me was negative because I have undoubtedly changed your first impression being that I am now your wife.  Lest, hopefully I pray I passed the first test. 

Most importantly, how in the world did we meet?  (This is more fun if I still don't know you by the way). So tell me, was I the girl you walked past in grocery store and hopefully made you do a double take down the aisle or did you first see me seated in the window seat next to yours on the plane peacefully reading a long novel?  More to my enjoyment, did I accidentally hit you with my car when I was backing out of my driveway as you did your morning jog? Or, did I crash into you as I ran across the platform to catch the last minute subway?

To be honest, I always imagined meeting you in some outrageously accidental way similar to to stories of my fantasy characters I created as a young girl.  For an example, Ava, a long lost princess, mets her Mr. Right when she irrationally dresses like a boy (long story that I hope I told you already) and collides into him running into the men's restroom while he was exiting.  This is not to say that I will be encountering you in a men's restroom (I'm not that desperate), but let's just say I've always wanted it to be something I would never forget. 

Love,

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

like father, like husband...|letter #21|

Dear My Future Husband, 

After browsing through my Facebook page, I stopped at a status that said that the father-daughter relationship directly impacts the interactions with a daughter's romantic partners.  I thought about it.  For the past several years, although plenty of guys have crushed on me relentlessly, the chosen few that I admired back have been unsuccessful attempts at a good relationship.  Thus I had to question myself. Has my unlucky efforts at a relationship been because of the guy's flaws or my somewhat imperfect father-daughter relationship? 

Courtesy of apdk 

 The issue with man #1 was that we were young and he wasn't ready to be with someone he can see himself with for a long time.  Man #2 I messed up on by letting him go when he was ready and willing. Man #3 I actually dated (unless you don't consider two weeks to be a relationship).  His issue was that he kept forgetting he actually had a girlfriend in the first place.  My father? He's the best dad a girl could ask for. However, do I have the type of relationship where I can actually talk to and share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with him? Unfortunately no.  As much as I love my father, I am not emotionally and mentally connected to him.  I can never say I have one of those father-daughter talks/dates.  To be honest, it hurts. 

Courtesy of bfhoyt

I can't say who's fault it is but both of us.  At the same time, a deep immature part of me can't help but blame him.  Essentially, it all stems from his longs hours spent at work and his short ones spent home.  Working was his way of providing the very best for us and although I will never be ungrateful, I wondered why the nights he came home he never asked me how my day went.  I wondered when he would bother me about the boys in my life and tell me he was going to beat up anyone who broke my heart.  Sometimes, I felt like he didn't want to know anything, so I didn't want to tell him.  I can't change the fact that my dad is introverted and keeps his thoughts to himself, but I can change the way I interact with him.  Now that I am older, I gained a desire to change the dynamics of our relationship and form it into the one I also dreamed.  I realized that I have to be the one to make all the initial efforts and I am willing and ready to do that. 

But has my emotionally unstable relationship with my father determined the fate of my romantic relationships now? Honestly, I don't know.  I pray that by the time we are together in the future, both my relationships with you and my father would be secure.  I don't want to be with you unless the relationship more important than this is right.  Even more so, not before my relationship with my Heavenly Father is right too.  I would hate to think that my failed attempts at relationships have been because my relationship with my dad has been slacking.  It's sad to think that maybe the reason I want a relationship so bad is because of the one lacking with my father.  Understanding that is the first step, and with the knowledge comes growth and change. 

Love,

Stephanie