Dear My Future Husband,
I'm sorry. I've done something bad and I'm paying the price for it now so that you won't have to deal with it later. I've been waiting for a while to get these feelings out. They've been permeating my inner core for some time now, but frankly, I've allowed them to boil for too long. It's taken residence within my soul. How I want freedom from this pain. I want redemption from these perverted expectations. I was never supposed to be with him. I was never supposed to experience this hurt. I was supposed to save myself for you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.
I have been praying about this baggage for months now but the more I pray the stronger my awareness becomes of it. It's as if God is tearing me apart just to rebuild me later. He's preparing me for you. He's claiming my allegiance back to Him. I want God to do the rebuilding now. The ripping of my heart is too much to bear. I feel everything. I see the memories. I hear the moments. I don't want to deal with the consequence of giving my heart away. I wish I would have known it would be this excruciating for God to steal it back, just for Him, just for you.
Because the thing was, I really liked him, even when I knew I shouldn't. For the first time, I felt like I really fit with someone and the only person he would ever accept was the one who was really me. I was used to pleasing men to get my way or acting like a pseudo female to allure them to me. I was so bad at getting into relationships that I believed I needed to change how I acted to finally get what I wanted. Well, it didn't work for him. Instead, it made him push away from me. I found that our spirits coincided in the times I showed him how soft-spoken I was and eccentric my habits really were. He accepted it. He embraced it. He made it just too easy.
It was that much harder for me to give it all up. I didn't want to lose something when I was so close to having it, this special relationship I desired since I could walk. I didn't want to be forced to choose between him and God and him and you. I know you will be better, but then I knew him. I know you will be more, but then I liked him. I still like him. In my utter bluntness, I'm saying that God needs to make you a million-trillion-infinite times better for me to forget about him and focus on you. He just has too. Yet, what I love is knowing that God will do just that. God wants nothing better for me but the real deal.
You are the real deal because you have been designed for me before I inhaled my first breath. You will be everything that I ever wanted and more. Not only I am confident, but my God has confirmed it to me in His words. I will be your perfect match. You will be forever mine. Our relationship has been one ordained by God. It was written in the Book. There is not turning back from what God has already manifested in the spiritual realms.
But, I am not silly enough to think you will fulfill me and I am not lonely enough to settle for what is "good" and not "God." However, I am smart enough to know that the God who loves me will give me the desires of my heart. I am even smarter to know that my God is all that I will ever need. If I never got you, I will be more than okay. I only stand firm on these beliefs because God doesn't lie. My feet rest on the steady ground of His promises over my life and yours. I also know that I will never be ready to receive you until I am fully satisfied in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't even want you until I am complete in my Jesus.
This is the part when it starts to make sense. The very introduction of His name brings both clarity and peace. You see, Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. He carried the burden of my heartbreak so that I can receive everlasting healing. He suffered so that I can be free. He hurt so that I can find joy. Simply experiencing the rough pain of my separation from a man who was not my betroth is not even a taste of the agony Jesus felt just for my sins. He felt the sting the moment I gave my heart away. He felt it so God could give my sorrowful face a second look. God covered me in righteousness instead.
The rebuilding of my heart has started now because I surrendered this pain I kept captive long in my heart. Because of Jesus, I am scrubbed clean and shaken free. Due to His good sacrifice, I can be your wife: pure, holy, righteous, new, and yours once and for all.
I hope you're ready for this. I'm one beautiful piece of Godly work, a rare diamond in the rough.
Love,
Stephanie
