Dear Me,
When I see the Biblical words of Song of Solomon "dark and lovely," I question whether it really applies to me. I am dark, but does that make me as lovely as others appear to me? My problem is that I compare my scent to others and I allow their actions towards me to dictate my status. When I say that I am dark I am not speaking of my skin color but of my heart's truest conditions. I was darkened by sin but made clean through His blood. When I speak of my darkness now it sheds light to the intimacy of my soul, uncovered and unfiltered, raw and real.
I have intimacy problems very specific to me. My intimacy does not always resemble another's. I am the most intimate when I reveal to you what I truly think. I am the most intimate when I tell you my deepest insecurities still running rampant in my heart. I am the most intimate when I share the most pressing, uncomfortable matters of my heart. My intimacy is not easy for me to bear. It's scary to feel and frightening to give. My intimacy should not be taken for granted. Do not take it for granted. I beg of you.
I am not one to tell you everything that is deeply wrong with me because I value the image I uphold. I truly want to be a role model for others in my life. In my opinion, sharing grotesque facts about myself tarnishes a pretty picture. I learned how to be vulnerable but not intimate, transparent but not always truthful. I've learned to hide some things about myself out of fear of what they what think of me later. I am afraid they will love me less.
So when I share something personal, I want them to cherish it. I want them to catch me when I leap. I want a safe landing after a risky flight. This time it didn't happen. I was left on shaky ground when I shared something pressing. The pouring of my heart had been bypassed. It had been labelled dirt.
This is why I don't think my dark is lovely. I believe the more I reveal about my innermost self, the uglier I appear. People can't handle what resides in me. Many loved ones are confused by what it all means. I'm hurt and I'm numb from rejection. I wonder how my future husband will feel. Yet, I am very aware that this is only the first step. There is much more healing than hurt to encounter. Clearly.
God is leading me into a path where I no longer fear my own intimacy despite whether it is rejected or not. He is teaching me that although I believe I am ugly, He calls me lovely. It is not for others to dictate my inner beauty but for Him to call His creation their righteous name. I may not feel splendid on the inside but that does not take away from its truth. I may feel dismissed by some but I am still fully accepted by my Great King.
So I embark on this journey to become intimate and I bring along His truth. I will surely need His reminders when things get tough and dirty. So if you still think you're ugly, it's okay. Your thoughts will surely be renewed.
Love,
