Dear Envy,
Something needs to be said and something needs to be done about you and the way you make me feel. I need to be honest, sometimes you can be found in the inner parts of my heart. It is hard to be truly happy for someone when you wish the same upon yourself. The clothes, relationships, accolades, and accomplishments always seem to look better on her over me. When I see something that I want, I don't remember the things that I have. When I see something that I desire, I forget about the growing I've done. It's not wrong to desire something better, it's wrong to desire it from someone else who has it. That want turns into a need and the need into you.
You have the potential to poison me. You make me believe as if nothing I do is ever good enough. You make me think I should be someone else. I can no longer live with your piercings marked secretly in my heart. They will destroy me as what you wish for me. What good do you bring? What hope do you proclaim when you cause feelings of inferiority within? But what of me to hold you captive when you scar me so?
I have come here today to watch you burn and withered and buried. I have come here to say my final words. As I watch you in that casket still and ineffective, I cannot help but doubt if you are really dead to me. I'm scared that you will come creeping into my mind again when I see her. The one who's sweeter than me, purer than me, more confident than me, and more impacting than me. She who is happier. She who is livelier. She who is fearless. Why couldn't she be me?
But who am I to question God's immaculate creation that is me? Who am I ask the Potter why He has formed me this way? Yet, I do. I degrade the value of His blessings in my life by comparing them to others. I have yet to appreciate who I am and what I have. God has a special purpose for me therefore I cannot look like anyone else. God has a unique mission for me therefore I cannot have the things of others. I am well-equipped for my work, not hers. I will be successful in my way, not hers. You have helped me plummet this far but I can no longer give you that power.
So on this day, the 29th of March of the year 2013, I announce you gone from my life through Him who set me free. You will no longer restrict my love for others and no longer keep me from genuine rejoice. By the power of love, I reject your place in my life. By the power of love, I embrace those you tell me to envy. Everything is different. I am left changed. This is it, my eulogy to you. Die my sin. Rest in turmoil.
Love,
Stephanie
