Dear Him,
Every moment I spend outside of you is now becoming torturous. When I don't feel your Spirit beating my heart, I feel lost and alone. I am in a place I don't belong anymore. To be outside of you is no longer enjoyable for me. I want to be with you all the time now, living in your presence.
But I wasn't always like this. I haven't had this insatiable desire for you in years. I know you have always been tugging at my heart, but lately I have been understanding how much you want me. I am supposed to be your wife, but clearly I have been cheating on you with others things I love before you. I love romantic relationships, beauty, make-up, hair, designing, fashion, being in love, popularity, prestige, and luxurious comfort in the finer things. I love them more than I love you.
You spend every waking hour pursuing me. I cannot hide from you and your love. Nothing I do will ever make you love me less. You want me to trust you. You want me to follow you. You want me to let you make everything right according to your perfect will. I find myself trusting myself more. I can doubt whether you really can figure out my life better than me. Your unmeasurable power is perceived too small in my eyes. I look bigger than you.
Until I fall. Until I break. Until I cry and until I shake, then I need you. Then I want you to fix me. Then I want you to heal me. I want you to take away my brokenness and wipe away my tears. I want you to hold your daughter in your holy embrace and tell me everything is going to be alright. Only then, can I not handle it on my own. Only then do I lift you up as King.
But what of the times I believe I have it taken care of? I was too confident of my lackluster abilities to lead my life. But I will never be good enough to fulfill my eternal desires with a world-like mindful capacity. You need me to let go. You need to me to surrender and give in my need of control just as much as I need your grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness.
So I stop. I give up the reins so I can live in the freedom of your presence. I don't like controlling anymore. I can't handle the pressure of not getting it right. I won't fight you anymore. I won't run away anymore. If I do, take me back. Fight for me like I wished they did. Run after me like I hoped he would.
You were there all along so I am yours. It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.
Love,
Stephanie
