Dear Eyes,
I don't know where to start. I could choose to hide this from you, but I made a decision to become transparent before God and those who watch my life. I don't want deep dark secrets anymore. I want to be mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically free. The question is why and the reasons are these: You can only see what I show you. You can only conclude on what you see. You can only learn from what you gather. But the secrets never make it to the surface. They never make it to the front page. You'll never know how God truly changed me. Secrets hold power. Tonight, I'm giving mine's away.
I'm not afraid to share my secrets because I have already been forgiven, cleansed, and redeemed from them. What I am afraid of is forgetting the mercy God has granted me because it's locked away with the key deserted. I teaches me that it never existed. So although I am changed, I forget where God has found me. My secret has been locked away holding presence in my life for way too long. It's time to let it go and have no part of me in the shadows.
When I was a little girl, I struggled with sexual sin. I was introduced to it through the "don't touch" novels left haphazardly around the house. The words I read created images in my head that I never knew existed. I learned of an adult world that God only reserved for a wife and husband on their wedding night. I began to wonder. Eventually, that wonder turned into action as I attempted to experience the pages of my books on my own. I wanted to know the excitement I read about.
It was weird at first and I remember feeling horrible about it. I grew up as Catholic school girl and I imagined the priest and my nuns would be harsh towards my behavior. But instead of leaving it alone, I continued and taught a few others close the same and even worse than I had done. I had spread my impurities onto another selfishly. It didn't happen often, but the fact that is happened shamed me. I didn't want anyone to know what I did. I began to feel like two different people trapped in one body, one by day and one by night.
When I accepted Jesus Christ into my life for the first time in the 6th grade, my heart changed. My actions still remained, but this time I felt God's Holiness leading me to stop. I didn't yet know that my old self had died and I had welcomed a new body in Christ. It took years to finally stop, because to be honest, it was my biggest weakness. As much as I was a hopeless romantic, I had learned early on to associate fornication with true love. I didn't know the difference until God took me through my healing process. He had to show me what true love for myself and a man was about.
To some, this may not be a big deal because frankly, many people do it. It advertised as providing positive benefits and being a mundane part of sexual life. But in actuality, masturbation is a sin because the very act of sexual acts outside of marriage is impurity. I justified it for years telling myself that the Bible didn't actually "prove" it and that many doctors, websites, and even friends did it. As temporarily pleasing it is, it's repercussions are more severe. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and the secret of it all. Don't forget, the impossible weight of the sin before God before forgiveness. This secret holds no place with me no longer.
I would have never written this on my own. Had I not felt God leading me to do something this scary I would have written it off altogether. But I told God I would be a "yes" woman. I would look for the opportunities to give Him glory. This is one of them.
Yesterday, I was dirty, today, I am clean. Only by the blood of Jesus. And now, there is nothing left to hide. I am free.
Love,
Stephanie
When I was a little girl, I struggled with sexual sin. I was introduced to it through the "don't touch" novels left haphazardly around the house. The words I read created images in my head that I never knew existed. I learned of an adult world that God only reserved for a wife and husband on their wedding night. I began to wonder. Eventually, that wonder turned into action as I attempted to experience the pages of my books on my own. I wanted to know the excitement I read about.
It was weird at first and I remember feeling horrible about it. I grew up as Catholic school girl and I imagined the priest and my nuns would be harsh towards my behavior. But instead of leaving it alone, I continued and taught a few others close the same and even worse than I had done. I had spread my impurities onto another selfishly. It didn't happen often, but the fact that is happened shamed me. I didn't want anyone to know what I did. I began to feel like two different people trapped in one body, one by day and one by night.
When I accepted Jesus Christ into my life for the first time in the 6th grade, my heart changed. My actions still remained, but this time I felt God's Holiness leading me to stop. I didn't yet know that my old self had died and I had welcomed a new body in Christ. It took years to finally stop, because to be honest, it was my biggest weakness. As much as I was a hopeless romantic, I had learned early on to associate fornication with true love. I didn't know the difference until God took me through my healing process. He had to show me what true love for myself and a man was about.
To some, this may not be a big deal because frankly, many people do it. It advertised as providing positive benefits and being a mundane part of sexual life. But in actuality, masturbation is a sin because the very act of sexual acts outside of marriage is impurity. I justified it for years telling myself that the Bible didn't actually "prove" it and that many doctors, websites, and even friends did it. As temporarily pleasing it is, it's repercussions are more severe. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and the secret of it all. Don't forget, the impossible weight of the sin before God before forgiveness. This secret holds no place with me no longer.
I would have never written this on my own. Had I not felt God leading me to do something this scary I would have written it off altogether. But I told God I would be a "yes" woman. I would look for the opportunities to give Him glory. This is one of them.
Yesterday, I was dirty, today, I am clean. Only by the blood of Jesus. And now, there is nothing left to hide. I am free.
Stephanie
