stop the noise... |letter #11|

Dear the Me in Search of Peace & Serenity, 

Courtesy of Kr. B.

Stop the noise. 

Turn off the television.

Pause the playlist.  

Silence the phone.  

Shut down the computer. 

Find your quiet place.

Eliminate negative thoughts. 

Observe the beauty of nature.

Listen to the silent sounds.

And just Breathe.

Love, Stephanie


Courtesy of Alyssa L. Miller

as we take seperate paths... |letter #10|

Dear Sister,

I'm not going to want to remember the day you leave in a couple of days. Instead, my innocent and naive mind wants to reflect on the past filled with pleasant and giddy memories.  I remember it was eighth grade when you refused to be my friend because you thought I was too "white" for a black girl.  Our very first conversation that year became the last one that year.  I remember our first sleepover after driving down from Georgia with your parents.  I was shocked that you had even let me in that sacred room of yours.  I like to think about the time I broke every speed limit across town trying to get you home before curfew.  Dang, I didn't know how need for speed i could get.  I remember when you tried to record a solo piece after Maxwell's "Pretty Wings." I never laughed so hard at you in my life. Remember when we both were in love at the same time? Those guys were the very reason why become friends in the first place. We were hopeless romantics.  We wrote love letters to them, dreamed about them, and wrote about them.  Too bad, we still love those idiots.

(Courtesy of whatshesaid_)

I don't know how to feel about you leaving school because I honestly never saw myself being here without you.  Here we are, sisters on this journey together, and then you hit me with the dreading words, "I'm not ever coming back here."  You aren't leaving Spelman, Atlanta, the AUC, the community, your coworkers, your peers, your friends, you are leaving me. 

(Courtesy of dw1Fly/ Theddy Magpayo)

I realize now how much I depended on you to live here.  You were one of the reasons I laughed until I cried, made good friends, lost bad friends, took risks, pushed myself one more level, shared secrets, gained secrets, followed my heart, developed an opinion, spoke my mind, unleashed emotions, tackled stress, and learned to love myself.  I went through some of my significant moments in my life with you right by my side.  But I realize now that we both need to form into a greater us without each other.  This is our time to grow together, but apart.

(Courtesy of h.koppdelaney)

I promised myself I wouldn't cry when you left, but that's impossible because I'm crying now. I'll stop being selfish now.  I'm acting like I'm not gonna call you every free hour I have to tell you stupid stuff like I just cleaned my room for the fifth time that day or I stood behind that one girl we laugh at with the annoying face in the cafeteria again.  I mean, come on, people invented Skype for a reason.

(Courtesy of maureen lunn)

There so much that I want to say, but I find my mind blank.  I am simply left with the raw emotions of it all.  I leave these as my parting words.  I know you will go on to do great things with your life. That's undeniable. You are beautiful whether your stubborn brain wants to accept it or not.  Listen to your mom, she loves you too much.  Don't give up on love cause one guy screwed it up.  Be honest with yourself.  Embrace your intelligence. Love the life you have been blessed with.  Stop putting up a front and let people see your true colors.  Promise me you'll be successful.  Promise me you'll never change.  Find God and yourself. Fight for your dreams.  Finally, don't forget why your are the best sister a girl like me would ever dream about. 

<3<3<3

Love, 
Stephanie

if you can abide by this list, i'll love you forever... |letter #9|

Dear My Future Husband,

• Accept me for everything that I am. Embrace the silly, the perfectionism, the paranoia, the wisdom, the patience, the creativity, the randomness, the seriousness, and the passion.

• Love God. It's important to me that you believe in the Lord I believe in so we can build a family together and encourage each other in our faiths. 

• Love my family and love kids. You need to be someone I can share the joys of my family times with and someone gentle and patient enough to care for a child.

• Don't ever make me feel like you're not really listening to me.  I want to know that you care enough to hear my thoughts.

• Promise me you won't be with me until you are truly ready for a committed relationship. I have to know that you are completely serious about me.

• Turn your dreams into reality. I want to know that you are a man of action not of words.  

• Tell me you love me, when your ready to prove it to me. Those simple words mean the world to me and I am a hard critic. 

• Make me feel like I'm the prettiest girl in the world. With you, I want to feel like I wouldn't ever want to change anything about my appearance because you love it just the way it is. 

• Don't be afraid to dig deep. I want to share everything with you, but I just want you to want to know every secret. 

• Don't be selfish. I will not allow my selfless nature compensate for a selfish one.  Give as much as I give you.

• Hold me when I'm upset.  I want to be embraced the by strong arms of the man I love when I'm down. 

• Whisper sweet nothings in my ear when we are alone. I want to be buried in your romance.

• Love and respect your mother despite it all.  I will be judging you on how you treat her.

• Take care of your mind, body, heart, and soul.  A healthy man will be a successful man. 

• Tell me things you've never told anyone before. Express your feelings with me.  Make me feel like I'm the only girl in your world.

 

 (Courtesy of *sean)

(Courtesy of michi003)

(Courtesy of Candida.Performa)

(Courtesy of juliejigsaw) 


(Courtesy of kristina sohappy)


Love, 
Stephanie

everything and nothing at the same time... |letter #8|

Dear Me, 

I've been contemplating what I've been wanting to say all day

But as I stare at the screen my mind seems blank

As if all thoughts never existed

As if they just simply sank

But eventually It'll come to me, I guess that how I live my life

Wishing and hoping

Maybe a just roll of a dice

I'm always trying to do the right thing

What's expected of me

Little Stephie, always the girl you ought to be
But in the strive to be perfect have a I failed to see

What's really me and what's make believe

Now I'm not saying I'm an image of illusion

I'm saying I have not seen my conclusion...
I'm young with potential with so much to learn

  Along life to live 

It's finally my turn

Maybe I see myself as clay
Molded from my experiences

Molding now into my own doorway
Of dreams...
Of passions...
Of thoughts...
Of emotions...

I guess of me

That's all I could ever be

And fortunately

That's more than enough

Love, 
Stephanie

sometimes, this is how i feel inside... |letter #7|

Dear the Boy I Love,

An Angry Letter to You...

 At first...
-you said that there was going to be a "we"
-you said that I was perfect
-you said that you have always loved me
-you said that we can only connect
-you said you would never hurt me
-you said those girls meant nothing
-you said you cared about my feelings
-you said you meant what you said
-you said you were being honest


(Courtesy of Jesse Kruger)

But Ultimately...
-you have been with countless girls
-you did not see me appropriate then
-you have always loved your own desires
-you have connected with many girlfriends
-you have watched me hurt for four years
-you have put these girls feelings before mine
-you have put your feelings before mine
-you have been selfish
-you have been dishonest


At first...
-you want to marry me
-you want to preserve me
-you want to prize me
-you want to claim me
-you want to hold me down
-you want to believe I wont ever leave


But Ultimately...
-you want your time
-you want your ladies
-you want your fun
-you want no commitment
-you want no relationship
-you want me when you want
-you want me to wait


At first...
-I thought you were just protecting me
-I thought you were going to change
-I thought you would come after me
-I thought you would love me
-I thought you were the one
-I thought you would commit


(Courtesy of Ashley R. Good)

But Ultimately...
-you were just hurting me
-you were just hiding your ways
-you were just messing with other girls
-you were just loving yourself
-you were not the one
-you were committing to other chicks


And Ultimately...
-what kills me is, is that you could let me go
-what kills me is, you wont fight to be with me
-what kills me is, you wont tell me the truth
-what kills me is, you wont show me your true colors
-what kills me is, you took the chance of losing me
-what kills me is, I went back to you
-what kills me is, you dont appreciate me
-what kills me is, you keep me in the shadows
-what kills me is, you still hold on to past loves
-what kills me is, you cant commit to me
-what kills me is, your actions tell the truth
-what kills me is, that I wasted four years on you


Because Ultimately...
-you were never there when I cried
-you were never there when I achieved
-you were never there when I failed
-you were never there when I flew
-you are dumb when it comes to me
-you are selfish when it comes to me
-you are mean when it comes to me
-you are hurtful when it comes to me
-you are heartless when it comes to me


 
(Courtesy of Tom Martin)


So Ultimately...
this is for you

Love, 
Stephanie

i wish now was then when it comes to you... |letter #6|

Dear Me, 

I told myself I wouldn't let myself get to this point.  But slowly the emotions and mind whispers are creeping in like thieves in the night. I can't help but reflect on what could have been; the hopeful words that left me dreaming, the happiness that waited to bleed, and the experience of what it seemed to be a fairytale. How would things have been different had I said yes?  Or maybe things would not have been as beautiful as I thought they would be.  I guess I will never know.

What do you do when a guy makes you feel extremely exotic, beautiful, and understood but you know that you shouldn't even be entertaining the thought of him? People would be hurt, ties would be broken, and betrayals would be made if motions took place. It's a conscious war between my mind and my heart that I'm battling with.  My mind is the rational one whom in the past I've always chosen.  Unfortunately, it never led me to happiness like I think my heart would have led me to.  I wish I took advantage of the past and had dated him when I had a chance.  Now, it's too late. So, there's nothing to left to say.

                                                            

Love, 
Stephanie


 (Courtesy of Neal Fowler)

a confession... |letter #5|

Dear My Future Husband,

I think I have a problem.  I don't really open up much.  I lied. Apparently I don't open up at all. It's hard for me to share my most intimate thoughts, emotions, and ideas.  Obviously you must know this already if we have gone this far in our relationships  Maybe you get frustrated with me.  I don't mean to be hard to read, I just don't know to open the book.  But I've been working on it.  I honestly do want people to see the true me, not what they think they see.

Today was different though.  I hung out with my guy friend who made it so easy for me to talk about anything on my mind at the moment.  Everything felt so natural and safe for me to just be me.  I told him how much I missed dancing everyday like I used to 2 years ago and how I was afraid of making mistakes in my career choices.  I told him how the dreary rainy cold weather depressed me.  I told him I was lazy.  I told him I valued his friendship.

These are the types of friends that I hold on to especially. The people who make me feel like I can share anything with without being judged. Sometimes it's not even that I have a fear of rejection, but it is because I have such a love for people.  I could sit and listen to people pour their hearts out for days without feeling the need to reciprocate. It stems from my desire to understand people and ultimately help them. But I guess I shouldn't let it stop me from revealing myself either and allowing myself to be understood.

I once read a unknown quote that said, "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."  This describes how I feel perfectly except I put walls up unconsciously.  Now, I guess I'm just waiting to see who will be the one who will break me down. I believe many see me on a daily basis but few know what lies within.  Hopefully, you will be one of the few.


Love,
 Stephanie

(Courtesy of Gabriela Camerotti)

please just make it stop... |letter #4|

Dear the Me Who Will-Have-It-All-Together,

Please don’t make the same mistakes that I made today.  Seriously, it will save you much stress, frustration, and precious time.  I’m trying to advise you with this letter, but all I can do is be selfish and think about how incredibly annoyed and exhausted I am.  I’m agitated.  I’ve had the wrong attitude about everything that was going right today.  My lack of sleep has been the death of me and the absence of food usually fueling my blood leaves me lifeless.  I went to two career leadership meetings but I was as tired as pregnant lady after birth.  Perhaps you’ve experienced that already; well then you know how I feel.  It was a complete out-of-body experience as I sat there in front of the room staring at the tall bulky man with that flashy white smile tell me for two hours the million and one contradictory things I should be doing to land my perfect job.  “Be happy, but not too happy; be serious but not too serious! Don’t slouch, but don’t sit so stiff either!”  My mind ran all different directions. Write down this, no, scratch it out.  Write down that, wait, erase it and put this instead.  The message of success could not have been more enigmatic.

The second meeting could not have been more desperately self-draining to my mind.  Not only did I not have the privilege of listening to an actual live speaker and was forced to direct my unreliable  attention to a random man speaking on an internet clip, but it lasted a full hour of my time.  Yes, I could have been sleeping then, or maybe stuffing myself with some energy in the form of a Subway sandwich or McDonald’s fries.  Actually, scratch out the McDonald’s fries, I chose to cut back on that little insatiable addiction of mine.  It’s unhealthy, of course.  Yet even unhealthier was that the crowded room was set up for the immediate slumber of the members present.  How dare they turn off the all the bright lights and force us to watch, in complete undisturbed darkness, a boring football player tell me things about life I learned in 6^th grade already?  Yes, sir, I know how to set goals.  Oh yes, I know exactly how to keep myself accountable.  Did I not do the same thing when I set the goal of making all A’s in middle school and accomplished it by keeping track of my assignments and studying to the best of my ability for every test?  Yes, I still do it now, which is how I ended up in this national honor society meeting in the first place.
 

I’m sorry.  I know I went off this rant just now but I just wanted to let it all out.  I know you are probably looking at this really crazy because trust me, I already know you have your life all together, unlike me.  It’s okay, I will eventually get there.  Anyway, before I get distracted again, take it from me and get enough sleep each night and nutritious food and water each day.  Also, don’t forget to take advantage of every opportunity available, even though you may not feel one hundred percent yourself at the time it is given to you.  What I’m really trying to say is this: persist even when you don’t feel like it.  Trust me, if I had not decided to do just this, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

Love, 
Stephanie


 (Courtesy of seanmcgrath)

twenty absolutely ridiculous pet peeves... |letter #3|

Dear Anyone Who Wishes to Be My Friend, Now or in the Future,

1.  I hate scrunched up napkins. Refrain from scrunching up your napkins in my presence.
2.  I hate chipped off nail polish on ugly chopped up fingernails, so either take it off or put it back on.
3.  I hate it when people smile for no reason during a serious conversation. It's distracting.
4.  I hate it when my hair brush, my gold flip flops, my purple marker, and my hair straightener are out of place in my room, like right now. I'm just letting you know that I am slightly OCD.
5. I hate odd numbers. This is just random, but it had to be said.
6. I hate when people rub body lotion, paint, or cream on my skin.
7. I hate really really fake looking full head weaves.
8. I hate it when people stare at me with big nosy eyes for long periods of time.
9. I hate it when I step on nasty little crap on the floor when my feet are wet from the shower. Another random fact.
10. I hate having the same small talk about nothing with the same people every day. Let's not talk about the weather this time, okay?
11. I hated it when nacho cheese was stuck on my friend's empty plastic bottle and a paper receipt was on top of it all. It happened the other day. It was disgusting!
12. I hate it when the “Do you want to update to the new Internet Explorer” page comes up on the Spelman computers every time I use it. It puts me back in time by 2.7 seconds. Just thought you should know.
13. I hate it when girls try to match their whole outfits with only color. Do you really need pink earrings, shoes, nails, a shirt, a necklace, and hair tie? No you don’t.
14. I hate it when unnecessary sweat marks show up in profile pictures on Facebook. Photoshop that now!
15. I hate it when garbage on the table while eating is not organized.
16. I don’t like hairy legs.
17. I can’t stand when my mom gets her 3 minute hearing disorder at the beginning of every conversation. Did I really just repeat the same thing four times? Please don't have a hearing disorder.
18. I hate it when careless people bend the edges of my books.
19. I hate it when people with no mutual friends friend request me on Facebook. Did you really think I would accept you? Of course, that would never be you.
20. Finally, I hate it when people drive super slow. Love to speed, just like me.

 (Courtesy of Horia Varlan)



Love,
 Stephanie

it's official. i hate you. |letter #2|

Dear My Future Husband,

I fought another battle today, but not with my homework, my grades, my internship, my thoughts, or my emotions.  No, today I fought a battle against it. One of the most important things I first want to lay on the table with you, since I vow to be completely and utterly honest with you as I should be, is that I hate scrunched up napkins. Scratch off that look on your face.

and this is where they should always be: contained!

(Courtesy of Vileseskogen) 

The sight of them makes me wallow in disgust.  I have this unexplainable ratched emotion towards the evil ugly thing that unfortunately no one else around me reciprocates.  Apparently, I am the only sane person in this world who can clearly see and revoke the annoying and unappealing appearance of a napkin scrunched up.  

the evil little critter!

(Courtesy of erix!) 

The other day I was sitting in the cafeteria with three of my girlfriends.  There was nothing special about this day, no amazing life changing event occurred, just me and my friends eating in the café on a typical day of school.  I was in the middle of explaining a story of when I accidentally tripped down the stairs in an important interview to my friend across the table when it happened.  A red splash of pizza sauce sprayed all over her bright white shirt after taking a bite of pizza. Immediately she grabbed a napkin from the container and began swiping away the mess like a mad woman.  

Then she committed a crime only true friends would know never to commit in my presence.  She scrunched up the napkin she used and left it like a betraying tease in front of my face ten inches away from my plate.  It just sat there, looking like the most hideous object ever. It was so small, so scrunched up from my friend’s pressure, and so red with sauce.  I saw millions of unorganized folds and rips on it. My skin started pricking and my hands sweating. I had trouble concentrating on the conversation around me.

it's this kind of cuteness that makes my napkin condition look crazy

(Courtesy of Hygiene Matters)

I couldn’t stop looking at the nasty little critter.  I tried to distract myself.  I fiddled with my phone, I laughed too hard at bad jokes, and I ate really really fast.  Minutes of internal torture passed and eventually I couldn’t take it sitting there and looking at me with that sneer anymore.  I exploded.  I jumped from the table, swatted the napkin across the table onto the floor, and stormed out of the cafeteria.  Instantly, I felt relieved and left with a triumphant smile on my face.  Another battle of the scrunched up napkin conquered.

Love, 
Stephanie

daughter of a workaholic... |letter #1|

Dear Poppy,

 

One night I heard you and Mummy in the office speaking in hushed tones. Through the shut door, I picked up Mummy’s voice, like a silent cry for attention. “Pierrot, please…” I think she was asking for another family vacation again, probably the trip to Mexico she’s been planning for a while. But then I heard your deep dominant voice speak up and that was that. Whatever Mummy was planning had been dismissed. I guess you had to work again or maybe you couldn’t take time off. Now that I think about it were you ever off? Were you ever available? I remember another night when Mummy slaved in the kitchen for six hours cooking up a beautiful feast for you. It took forever for Alain, Sebastian, and me to set up the table to her liking. You know how she’s picky and meticulous on everything. But when it was all done and perfect, all we were missing at the family table was you. An hour later you called to say you had to stay overnight at the hospital again. I cried myself to sleep that night. I never told you that.
 

In my adolescent stage characterized with skewed wisdom, work came first. But as a child it was different. Every night you were home early with my favorite Snickers bar in your warm hands for your three children and a kiss for your wife. You spoiled me with your sweet admiration, contagious laugh, and insatiable attention. I was daddy’s little girl and everyone knew it. Then things changed. I felt animosity and irritation burning inside every time you walked out that front door. But I could not bear to show that. I loved you too much to openly hurt you. I could not look into your soft eyes with such harsh emotions. Everyone understood the need to support our wealthy lifestyle, but I couldn’t. I never felt justified to feel so angry with you. I’m selfish and I know it. How could I who wanted to go to great expensive schools that demanded loads of money tell you I could not accept you working so much? But I didn’t want the things money could buy, but the time I could never get back.
 

I never told you how I felt and I think nineteen years means I’ve waited too long. I want to tell you so much. I want the ideal father-daughter relationship. I want you to beat up the boys in my life who will break my heart and love the man in my life who will marry me one day. I want you to be my first shelter I run to when I’m scared. I still want to be your little girl. But I also want to say how much I appreciate you and what your work has essentially done for me. You work so much because you love it, but more importantly because you love me. You want give me the good life that you had to struggle so hard for. Because you worked so much, I am where I am today, attending a prestigious college and excelling in academic excellence. You taught me the value of both education and hard work. I appreciate all of this. I understand now and I don’t feel the same hideous way. Poppy, I love you so much and I miss you and your comforting embrace in this hectic college world. I just have one parting question: Can you be my forever best friend?

Love,
 Stephanie