Dear Me,
I lay still beneath the plush fabrics of my sheets while my heart reverberates the pattering of rain on my windowpane. I am humbled and quiet. I have yet to encompass my mind’s recently foolish sightlessness. As the night deepens, my heart is awake with revelations long restrained. The overarching circumstances of my day-to-day actions have prevailed the secret blessings hidden along my peripheral. I have been too concerned with my issues to warrant appreciation to the riches God has bestowed upon me with undeserving favor.
How easily can I worry when I am so highly favored by the Creator Himself? I am boggled at my discovered neglect. Somehow, He has not only managed to provide me with my basics needs, but He has given me exactly what I wanted. Perhaps, first you must see how truly unpretentiously particular I have fabricated my desires to understand how good He has been to me:
After 6 years of a sedan, I secretly wanted a SUV. I loved the style, the fit, and the safety I experienced when driving it. Few may have guessed my attractions, but no one but I knew my hopeful wishes. Yet, I had a car when others didn’t. How could I have asked for something nicer for my own satisfaction? Well, with not even a prayer request sent, I received my dream car with little to no effort in the midst of a misfortune in a matter of two days. My shaky sedan had taken its final stretch with three leaks, unstable tires, and almost four thousand dollars in repairs. We didn’t have the money so essentially I would have carless for some time. Hours later of the discovery of the repair costs, I received a call informing me of the opportunity of a trade. Two days later, I was driving away with my new SUV, a cheaper, newer, safer, and almost costless car. I drove away with seven years coverage of maintenance, service, and parts for little monthly payments we wouldn’t have to worry about until later. Not only had God taken care of my need, He gave me exactly what I desired in my heart, as silly as it was.
I realize there have been other times when God had supplied my basic needs, but there is one other central entity symbolizing God’s gracious provision of my desires: my bedroom. My bedroom is French-inspired vintage black and white escape from a stressful world. Its very walls scream a union of tasteful chic designs and the pretty, naïve innocence of me. I envisioned my space and its aura since before I signed its lease. I knew exactly what I wanted to create. However, with the visions I possessed would come expensive tabs I could not yet afford. My interior design would essentially be compromised, as my finances would be prioritized to more important avenues of necessity. Yet, it was so important to me. I shared my wishes with no one. With not even a request to the heavens, here I lay still in my vintage-shabby bed in my dream come true bedroom. I spent less than half the amount necessary to create this look due to Ross, Craigslist, Ikea, thrift shopping, and God’s yearning to see my wishes met.
Essentially, I say this because tonight, in the presence of His company, I learned that I do not have to settle for anything less than what He wants to give me. I have been utterly blind to the true desires of my heart because I believed I could not afford to meet them. It was selfish and unfair of me. When I come to God with my wants, he not only takes care of them, but also aligns them to His purpose for my life. It will eventually all connect. An abundant life is often limited to my own skewed perception. His abundance is greater than what I can imagine. I no longer have to restrict myself from the desires of my heart when I wait for Him to take care of my every need and want. He knows me. He wants to make me happy. He wants to take me out of my sense of lack. All I have to do is trust.
Love,
Stephanie
