let my person go... |letter #95|

Dear Me,

Stop fighting and let me go.  Let me go.  I who is the deepest part of you.  I who lay uncovered, unbothered, and unleashed.  You've trapped me.  You've kept me.  You've hidden me in the midst of your heart-folds and refuse to allow me to climb through the piles and reveal my presence.  I need some air.  I need to breathe.  I need to see why the world so desperately needs me. 

I have purpose here and it wasn't so you can serve as my forever overprotective armor bearer.  

I need you to let me go. 

But I get it; I'm your baby.  I'm your safe place.  I'm your untouched virgin, unexposed to the harsh realities of this world and insensitivities of flawed people.  You don't want to spoil me.  You don't want me to scrape my knee.  You don't want me to learn the patterns of this world, such as conformity, deceit, and superficiality. 

I am your most authentic, pure self and you fear that with release I may not stay that way.  You fear the break of new air will stifle me.  You fear the aroma of expectation will break me.  You fear the comfort of mediocrity will be the death of me. 

You fear this because I was meant to be more.  I am more.  I am the unfiltered, idealistic, unashamed, unapologetic being of you who dares to dream higher, live brighter, and feel stronger.  I am not afraid to laugh without censoring and think without second-guessing.  You've nurtured me to be the woman you would not be.  You made me bold, daring, crazy, radical, and spirited.  

I represent the other woman God created you to be and this is why you cover me.

However, the problem rests with your obsessive control over me and your monitoring of my here's and there's.  Your tactics has turned from the pure intention to protect into a manifestation to perfect.  You know that you can't perfect your own life no matter how hard you try so you project your desires of perfection into managing and controlling the "perfect" and "unstained" deep inside of you.  You won't let anyone touch me, feel me, hear me, see me, or know me.  Why? Because if anyone so much looks at me,  you believe I'm no longer perfect.  I would become abused and used and good as the rest of you.

How could you be so confused?

Don't you know that the Lord our God made no mistake when He made you?  Don't you know that your outside flaws used by Him bring Him the uttermost glory?  Don't you realize that no one cares for perfection because it's never as good as the good, honest truth of I'm broken and scared and crazy and sensitive and I need love anyway?

We've been loved since the very beginning of time, before we could even think to love our Creator in return.  Therefore, your notion that one must be "pure" and "perfect" to love and be loved is null and disproven.  Yes, He purified and perfected us through Christ's blood, but first He loved anyway.

So let me go, Stephanie.  Let me go.  Because what you think is not really true.  I will never break and I will never die and I will never conform and I will never lose faith.  I will keep fighting.  I will keep believing.  I will keep trusting.  I will keep doing right.  I will never stop daring despite what the world throws at me.

I will never stop being what I was created to be because I represent God's love in you which is steadfast and never-ending.  I was formed by His love, made for His love, purposed to love.  I was made to love more than just you.  

When you let me go, I can be free to love like I was supposed to. 

And you, my love, will begin to walk into everything else awaiting for you.. 

Then your being will truly be set free, just like me. 

Love,

Stephanie

#LovingTheWomanWithin

Courtesy of Shea Christine Photography 

i'd rather be in paris... |letter #94|

Dear Daddy,

I'd rather be in Paris.  I'd rather be in a prettier place than I am now.  Now I am hungry, lost, anxious, confused, and drained.  I also don't feel qualified for the work you sent me to do.  Compared to the other girls, I don't think I have what it takes.  I know these are insecurities of mine.  However, there is a part of me that is begging you to pay attention. 

Care that I am annoyed right now.

Care that I am confused right now.

Care that I am uncomfortable right now. 

Care that I am embarrassed right now.

Can't you see how upset I am at where you placed me? I don't like this place.  This place where you are calling me to change and where you are forcing me out of my comfort space.  I chose you no matter what, but I surely did not choose this way.  I chose you no matter what, but I did not choose this stage.  I don't like the timelines, the deadlines, the rearrangements, and absence of my own agenda.  I thought we were going to do things my way.  Why does yours have to be so hard?

I am upset and I am annoyed and to be honest, I am yet not over it.  This is simply discomforting for me to deal with.  Yet, in your genius you uncovered the issue deeper within: 

I'm scared. 

I am truly terrified in this place. 

I'm scared because I don't want to be vulnerable.  

I'm scared because I don't want to be rejected.  

I'm scared because I don't be to be perceived as annoying. 

 I'm scared because of who I can really become as a result of this.

I'm scared because I've lost about 99% of my sense of control.  

It's on you now, Lord.  You hold my destiny in your hands.  I plow the land, you reap the harvest.  I'm scared because I need you so much more than I did yesterday.  I need you to wipe my boo-boos when I fall and I need you to kiss me to sleep when I'm sad.  I'm scared because I've entered into an all-access open battlefield where I am vulnerable to any type of verbal shots.  I could be hit with a denial, let down, or pushback at any point in this game.

But what's an arrow by day and a threat at night to an Almighty God ruling over the heavens and earth? Though I am weak, you are strong.  Though I am vulnerable, you are secure.  Though I am insecure, you are firm.

I thank you God that you are God and you are more than I can ever need to feel protected, safe, and stable in this space.

I also thank you that I am here right now, even though it's hard.  I know you will use it for your glory one day.  I just ask that you help me continue to see your heavenly perspective on my day-to-day realities.

Finally, I thank you that you do care.  You care so much.  And I am ever so grateful that I was on your mind since the beginning of time.

Love,

Stephanie