Dear My Future Husband,
Lately, I've been practicing. I've been exploring, touring, and investing, until I realized that I wanted more. I wanted a relationship. I liked what I studied, appreciated what I learned, and aimed to conquer what I marked. He didn't feel the same way.
I found myself at the point of dissatisfaction. I almost denied its' coming. We had transformed from something that was natural in fluidity into a unfortunate condition to be controlled. Where there once was direction, I found broken arrows. Where there once was clarity, I was blinded with the ambiguity of our relationship. When did we stop making plans? What happened to our once intimate communication? Where were we going?
I needed answers. Through the course of this exploration, my feelings had changed. I now desired stability, consistency, and unrequited affection. I now desired commitment. I began to question his motives and intents. What was he getting out of this now restricted relationship and what was I gaining? It left my spirit unsettled. Yet, I've grown to appreciate his person, our discussions, and my affections. I've grown to desire our togetherness and the company we bring. I don't doubt whether its reciprocated; we are simply on two separate pages. We desire two different outcomes for the situation at hand. But something needed to be said and done and it was.
So a long and somewhat awkward conversation later, we stand unconnected. It was decided that would be best. All or nothing, no halfway in betweens. No playing house, no give or take, no disappointments, and no settling. It was bittersweet. Bittered by the invited space that would come between us but sweetened by the attachment broken to an unguaranteed position.
As I welcome feelings to still accommodate his company, I fail to realize that the positivity of his attention will be followed by the downfall of my unmet desires. Although I truly enjoy being around him, I will essentially walk away with the aftertaste of what I never received. I fail to realize that in seeking to cherish our times is a compromise of myself. After a while, this negative aftertaste will overshadow the brightness of his affection. I will have settled for what I could get instead of walking away from what I didn't desire or deserve.
So in conclusion, I learn to guard my heart, keep my standards unchanging, and stand firm in who I am and what I want. I value my feelings more than an excuse, a fear, a bad timing, or an inconvenience. This was not a waste, it was an opportunity to learn and break bad habits. I am most grateful to life. Peace resides in my heart in knowing that I did not compromise myself any further. I also gained a special friend who I can only ask for respect in my decision.
Because, you see, any man would be absolutely silly not to want and pursue me. Clearly, you will realize that.
So until then..
Love,
Stephanie
