i can't "can't" anymore... |letter #55|

Dear Someone Who Can Relate, 

When you find yourself once again in a similar situation that caused you hurt in the past, after a while, you cannot help but ask, so what's the (my) problem? I found myself yet again heartbroken from a person I thought I could trust but this time the pain was vicious. My heart was like an infected gash, an open wound unwilling to heal. How could I move past this? I had loved this person and he had loved me. I could call him up at any hour and knew he would be there for me. I played his damsel in distress and he rode like a black knight. He wasn't perfect. We had our highs and lows, but I knew his relationship was one that would last. I could be myself with him, a person few really ever get to see. He would've been the godfather to my child if not the groom at my wedding. Clearly, I was ahead of myself but it happens. 

Well, he betrayed me. It was worse than anything he's done before so I cut him off. I didn't think he even deserved my friendship anymore. I've been trying to get over it but I need to do it the right way. I can't sit and ignore it, I need to deal with it. I need to make myself emotionally available to be healed. I need to stop worrying about the fact that he's not worrying about me and start helping myself out of this and start worrying about me. I need to think about me. I need to love myself out of this. Thus, I pray this prayer with the ever longing attempt to take what pains me and pray for the opposite:  

1. I can't stand one who refuses to fight. Lord, send me a man who will fight for our love.
2. I struggled with one who lied. Lord, send me a man who will shower me with truth.
3. I dealt with one who flaked. Lord, send me a man who knows what he wants.
4. I can't stand one who is childish. Lord, send me a man who will be spiritually grown.
5. I struggled with with one who over-dominated. Lord, send me a man who can be my match.
6. I dealt with one who lacks interest. Lord, send me a man who wants to know my every detail.
7. I can't stand one who forgets. Lord, send me a man who loves to remember.
8. I struggled with one who was selfish. Lord, send me a man who willing to give.
9. Finally, I dealt with one who stressed. Lord, send me a man who brings me your joy.

Instead of focusing on what I can't stand and struggled with, I'm praying myself through what I do want, can stand, and would love to deal with. I'm going to heal myself with light, not the shadows of my past. 

Love,

Stephanie

if you ever thought you might give up... |letter #54|

Dear Miss Right,

I could ask you the same question. None of us were created to be alone, we thrive off of love and relationship, so I think it’d be mutually beneficial for us to find each other quickly. The truth is, and this is where most guys won’t admit it, I need you as much as you need me. I’ve tried to be one of those super macho guys, but in all honesty, in my heart, nothing could be more satisfying than to be your sensitive and loving provider, your husband. My plans and ideas are everywhere. I ask God daily for direction and confirmation. God’s the only one with the big picture, because I’m as lost as you are. I know that there are wonderful things out there for us to discover together, God will reveal them to each of us in time. There IS a reason we’re still not together. Logically it’s because we haven’t met… or if we have, we haven’t gotten to know each other. You’re not the only one without a line of ducks, I think some of mine might actually be geese, in which case, I have to be rid of them and find the ducks to fill their spots. 

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the right woman and the wrong time being the wrong woman. The same can be said for guys. And truthfully, God’s been dealing with me on issues that would only bring our relationship down. I struggle with the idea of being forgiven without cause, and I need to learn to be more accepting of grace. Until I am, please don’t give up on me.Truthfully, the reason we’re not together is that I’ve asked God to hold off on our introduction until I’m ready to be the man you deserve. I have some of the same fears. Trust me, nothing’s scarier for a guy than to think that he’ll be the emotional head over heels in love one, while you look on in disdain. I want to get lightheaded when you walk into a room, and I want you to melt at my smile. Don’t be afraid, you can never ask too much of God. Nothing is beyond His capacity.The very reason you feel like I should be these things for you, is because God has created a desire in you specifically for me and only me, who will be these things, and you won’t be happy with any other guy.

And believe me, I’m far from perfect. My heart aches at the very thought of you getting me. I’m the undeserving one. It’s not fair that someone with a past like mine gets coupled with the woman of his dreams. But the beauty of grace, is that it makes life not fair. I AM looking for you, and I’m waiting for God to deem the time right for us to meet. The fact that I know you’re out there doing the same, only strengthens me further. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m very much into movies and TV… Luckily, to have an interest in something does not necessarily mean to believe it. Love is not a feeling or emotion that coincides with “Happily Ever After”, it’s a choice. And I’ve decided to love you unconditionally into eternity.

Admittedly, a good appearance is nice, but appearances can be deceiving. Don’t worry about it; be yourself. My eyes were made with you in mind, so I’d say you have an advantage over other women. And besides, if you make yourself look too good, you’ll run the risk of attracting more than just me… I don’t want to have to fend the hounds off my woman! Your imperfections are what make you you, and I can put you just as easily on my screensaver or wall, as any of those other women. And the best part is, then I’ll have the real thing right by my side to keep me warm. Good luck with the cover snatching, you’ll need it. (lol) While there are a lot of pretty women out there, there’s only one for me. I would never settle for someone I could live with, and you shouldn’t either. Where’s the fun in that? I’m the one you could never imagine life without.

I’m the guy you might notice at first, but only in that, vague sort of way, but if you got to know me, you’d find a soul that yearns after God, and that’s what will help you understand the plan God has laid out for the both of us. If I only saw beauty from the world’s perspective, I’d be a rather lonely individual, wouldn’t I? There is none more beautiful than a beautiful soul. I can’t wait to be captivated by yours. I’d take on all the pain the world could throw at you, and you’d be the heaven that helped me bare it. I’ll be the first to admit, I struggle with taking a passive role. It’s hard to be a leader with no one to lead. Your point is valid, however, I find it ironic that you were the one to initiate this conversation, to which I am responding.

I have difficulty knowing who to pursue, I guess my biggest fear is accidentally getting in too deep with someone that’s not you. I have been hurt and rejected, and mostly because I’ve pursued… In fact, most of the stupid things I’ve done have come from “the hunt.” Maybe I should learn to do less shooting and more tracking. I can’t just fire into the crowds and hope for a hit. God has directed me on how to set my sights to find you. And you’ll be my trophy wife. (lol, couldn’t help myself with that one.) I’ll have you know, if you think I’d get married for the sake of getting married, maybe it’s you that’s looking in the wrong places. Marriage is a commitment for life, and that’s a commitment I’d be miserable to make to anyone but you. That and I want my rib back. I’ll tell you what, my rib for the covers, sound like a deal? There is no one I’d rather build my life with.

We’ll have our pitfalls, but we’ll also have our mountain tops, and there’s no one I’d rather share my adventure with because I know that there’s no way I can grow to be the man God wants me to be without you by my side.

I’m getting kinda tired myself. It’s 58 days after New Year’s Eve, and I kissed no one… I was actually oblivious to the clock altogether as I was watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus (but that’s another story). Believe me, I’d rather have been in your arms. I wasn’t truly alone, but I was as good as. I’m one of the ones that feels lonely in a crowd, because I just don’t fit in. I’m not of this world, and that’s how you’ll be able to pick me out. I can’t wait till I can hold you as we usher in our first New Year together. It’ll be my happiest moment… until the next time you smile.

Good night to you, my love! God’s time is His own, but I pray daily that He take into consideration our time not spent together is time lost. I’ll search for you until I die, but I trust God to make sure it doesn’t take that long. Don’t settle for Mister Sorta Charming, because trust me, when you meet me, he’s going to look like the frog. I know not what form you’ll take, but I know you’ll be the woman God’s formed for and from me. I know you will have honesty, faith, tenderness, and a pure heart: each a beauty in and of its own. Even one of these is worth waiting an eternity for. I’ve loved you as long as you have me, and for the same reason. Don’t give up waiting for me, I’m searching for you. When we do finally meet, you can be sure God will have orchestrated it to bring out the both in best of us and to glorify Him in the greatest means possible. God’s been moving in both of our lives, and He’s been moving us together. It’s only a matter of time before that finally happens.

Forever Yours,

Mister Right

p.s. That guy you were talking about that week, the one that was even at the bar in the first place? Yeah, probably not me. : )

-Anonymous

can it get much higher... |letter #53|

Dear True Love,

You are so jealous for me, I cannot muster the courage to face you.  I felt you tonight, deep within my spirit in my earnest prayer. I felt your spirit moving within me and a love so gentle, I wanted to run from it. I wanted to hide my face. I was so ashamed to for you to see what I became. I wasn't the little girl you knew before because I grew up and prostituted my temple to the will of others. I wanted to hide from myself because I could not bear the dishonesty in living like a saint. I omitted the truth from you and me. 

My heart started beating faster when you wrapped your arms around me. I became fearful. I had been long running to others to fill my needs and corrects my insecurities that you became unknown territory. I was upset when I did it, ran to others for love and attention, because I figured I shouldn't have been yearning for those things in the first place. But in that moment, I realized the truth.

I need someone to hold me.

I need someone to love me.

I need someone to fix me.

I need someone to see me.

I need someone who pays me mind.

I need someone to heal me. 

So was I wrong to look for someone to fill these natural human needs? No. I was just wrong by thinking any regular person could serve this role. It's okay to run to someone, but it needs to be the right someone. It needs to be you. You want to hold me so hard, I remember the lasting comfort in your embrace. You want to love me so much, I don't need the affection of anyone else. You want to fix me so bad, I can't remember how I was broken. You want to see me so hard, I no longer know what it means to be intimate. You want to pay me all your mind that I forget how it feels like to be invisible. I want you to heal me so hard that I lose the cripple of imperfection. 

You want me and now, I want you. 

You are my true love and I belong to you.

Love,

Stephanie

i'm awkward for a reason... |letter #52|

Dear Haiti,

My wise elders have forever believed that there was no such impractical thing as being full. In fact, they have assumed that the more food we ate the healthier and stronger we children would be. Therefore, being a chubby child was a characteristic in my family, not a problem. This was only one of the traditional Haitian beliefs that my family harbored growing up. It is not only our country that proclaims us Haitian, but the silly “Haitian” things that we do, say, and believe. 

When inviting any Haitian family to a social gathering, meeting, evening dinner, etc. one must consider the first principle Haitian rule: Haitians always show up two hours later than the time given. I remember back when we were living in New York, my family and I were invited to attend a wedding scheduled to begin at 11 a.m. As we spent a good quantity of the morning preparing ourselves, my mother announced that there was no reason to hurry because the wedding would most likely not start on time. In taking her advice, we finally arrived at the wedding around 1:30 p.m. only to be greeted by crowds of people filing out the church doors who had just witnessed the ceremony we had arrived for. In her embarrassment, my mom quickly blended in the crowd and joined in the nearest conversation about how touching the ceremony had been and we followed. I've never felt so Haitian. Other times was when I had arrived more than 30 minutes late to my 11th birthday party. 

Next, is the hilarious encounter with other Haitians in public. Whenever one Haitian is aware of another Haitian in a public area, he or she starts behaving quite oddly. When out shopping with my mother and aunties, we naturally speak our language, Creole. When a random Haitian person in store hears our conversation, particularly women, she begins to act out this weird, yet natural tendency (cause I can't help but do it myself) to make it known to us that she is also Haitian. She may begin speaking loudly in Creole (to no one by the way) which we notice, but ignore or the most famous technique, she stares. One time, one woman actually stared us down until we left the store. I felt so awkward I said goodbye in our tongue, just to let her know I know we were from the same country.

I was raised by my Granny, the most avid proponent of the Haitian way. Thus, I have been taught to practice her beliefs.  She believed that boys and girls could not be in the same room regardless of being related or not (a popular idea in Haitian culture). It was tortuous and it was only I, out of the children, chosen to practice it. I can remember one time when my Grandmother personally escorted me to the opposite end of the house when she had discovered me and my cousin, Christopher, watching a movie in my parents’ bedroom. She proclaimed that I wasn’t allowed to do such horrid things and I never found her more ridiculous. 

Perhaps the most ridiculous Haitian customs have to do with the men. Haitian men are brought up as kings by their mothers and their women. They take on these traditions that further prove this “ royal-ship.” A Haitian man will refuse to eat dinner unless served by a woman and served to his liking. His lady must drop everything she’s doing in that moment to place the best of the meal on a fancy plate with something good to drink and personally deliver it to him. If not, he will not eat that day. 

Haitians believe that our pikles goes with every dish, we have furniture that is way to big for our rooms, and we never know the end to decorating a room. Every piece of art must be displayed on the tiny table, no excuses. I know I'm Haitian when I believe that United States is made up of Miami, New York, and Boston, when I dip bread in my coffee, when I dress up to go to a wedding as if I were meeting a queen and dress up to go to church as if I were going to a wedding, and when no one is allowed in the living room to the left because it is for the special guests that never seem to show up. I know I am Haitian especially when I am able to dance without music, when my sofas are covered in plastic, I use old clothing to mop the floor and Vaseline for everything, and when I slap anything I can get my hand on when laughing hysterically.

However, as silly as my Haitian culture can be, deep down I realize how much I truly love it and how much it has shaped me to be the person I am today. I am proud to be a Haitian even though my country is suffering and killing its own people. It is who I am. I am guilty of all these Haitian ways, without it I would not be me. Possessing the ability to speak another language breaks barrier with many people. I can express myself in different ways and I find comfort with those who are like me, such as those who do not question what I do because they understand as they do what I do as well. Being Haitian has made me family orientated, passionate, and created a sense of unity in me. 

My culture has opened my eyes to pain, and methods of survival, and at times selfishness. It is what I do with what I learn from my culture that makes a difference. It can be hard to say that I am Haitian in this country because of what is going on in my country, however, I cannot focus on the negative unless I plan to change it. Haitians are intelligent and resilient. It took strength for thousands to cross the sea in a crowded boat from Haiti to Florida, leaving every bit of life they had known. I took courage for my grandma to leave my mother in Haiti and come to the US so she can create a better life for us. It took strength for us to leave Haiti because of the political corruption. Each Haitian has a similar story. Together we make one. This is my culture and who I am.

I love you Haiti. Always & Forever.

Love, 

Stephanie

If you enjoyed this passage,  click on the Empower Network page to watch my personal video, or click here!