i'm not what you think... | letter #91 |

Dear Followers, 

I just wanted to let you know that I am just as messed up, insecure, and broken as you are today. There's been some comments made behind my back that are truly heartbreaking to hear.  For the first time in my life or maybe just to my obvious knowledge, people don't like me and it makes me want to ball up in a corner and cry my eyes out.  I'm not used to this feeling at all.  If you don't like me, I care.  I want to know what I did and where I went wrong to make you want to say such hurtful things about me.  I am ready to embark on a quest to restore my name and make it alright again.  I want to be popular again.  What's wrong with me now and what can I do to change?

It's not everyone that doesn't like me; there are just a select few who have been talking negatively about me but that's enough to make me feel like my whole world is crumbling before me.  I don't know who they are, but it is only by the Holy Spirit invested in me that I'm still okay today.  If you haven't noticed, I am extremely sensitive.  I cry when I'm mad and I can't always express my feelings unless I'm writing.  I not naive to think that my world is really ending because several people don't like me.  I am very aware of the tragedies going on in the world and the local ones I pass each day.  However, I can admit that in the midst of these things, there's a deep part of my heart that still aches inside.  I have not yet developed such tough skin.  I will get there one day.  Until then, I can only pray for those people who wish me ill and make sure that what I'm doing serves my audience of one well, Jesus. 

Sometimes, the path in which Jesus leads His people is rough. We start losing friends, popularity, prestige, and losing appeal.  Promoting a relationship with Christ is not a hot topic these days.  It actually pushes people away.  It is never my intention to force anything down anyone's throat.  I do not endorse that whatsoever.  However, I do endorse sharing my faith, being a light, and inspiring and/or encouraging others. That is my truest heart's desire so it does hurt when people cannot see my heart along the way. 

Unfortunately, I don't always get it right. Very recently, I caught myself being a "Martha" instead of a "Mary."  For those of you who aren't too familiar with that story, here are some key points: 1) Both Martha and Mary LOVED Jesus and 2) both Martha and Mary SERVED Jesus.  However, when it was time for Jesus to come visit the home of the two sisters because Martha welcomed Him, Martha was caught up SERVING and WORKING for Jesus and Mary was found at His feet LISTENING and WORSHIPPING Him.  As a result, Martha got mad at her sister and even scolded Jesus for not telling Mary to come help her with the preparations in the kitchen to serve Jesus with. In response, Jesus said that Mary had found exactly what mattered most in life and He would not take that away from her. 

Jesus was saying that what matters most in this life is a true, intimate relationship with Him. What matters most is being able to stop and worship, love, listen to, and adore Him. Yet, I got caught up and distracted with my service to God that I stopped loving Him, loving myself, and loving others.  Some of the things I expressed stemmed from this consistent desire to serve Christ. As a Christ-follower, I am flawed because of my flesh and my drive towards perfectionism cripples me terribly.  I fall short and make so many mistakes.  I'm literally nothing without Him and would be nowhere without His grace and favor on my life. When I am being "Martha", His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).  

The hardest thing to hear is that I believe I am better than others because I am always happy and I have it all together. This pierces my heart for two main reasons.  First, it hurts me because I have grown to be genuinely happy.  Second, it hurts me because the ONLY reason why I am happy is because Jesus saved me.  Beloved, the only reason why my life looks so put together is because I intentionally decide to focus on the blessings God is pouring on my life in the midst of all of my UGLY trials.  In July, I went through hell.  What I could have shared via social media would have never fully captured the reality of what I went through.  I could never truly capture my pain, my tears, my frustration, and my headaches in 140 characters, statuses, or pictures and/or picture captions.  When I could help it, I chose to be positive and even when I fell into a pit of despair, God snuck up behind me and pushed me back up to walk in the light.  God gave me a choice in that valley season of July: I could either be happy and trust Him or I could be miserable and lose all of my faith in Him.  I was too scared to pick the latter. 

I chose to be happy because when I reflect on what God has done for me and where He brought me from I cannot help but rejoice.  Before I recommitted my life to Him, I struggled with a lot of crap. I was envious over others, hurt over being abandoned three separate times, rejected several times by people who said they loved me, had sex with the wrong people, never felt good enough for anyone and anything, was drinking just because I really didn't like myself, and was focusing on other people because I didn't really love who God made me to be.  For about 5 years of my life, I also struggled with depression from things that happened in high school that I never addressed until I came into full intimacy with God.  Can I be even more transparent?  I still deal with some of that dirt today. God surely took me out of my shackles and bondage, but He is still healing me from the scars of my past.  I am realizing more and more that I need Him more than I thought as He reveals more and more of what I still carry deep inside this little heart of mine.  Just read some of my old blogposts from years ago, because, whew, I was going through some emotional baggage!  

Yet, God taught me how I can be truly happy despite the residue in my life for He shows me that my happiness is a gift from Him.  He has bestowed that fruit upon my life and for that I am incredibly grateful. True joy is not dependent on what is occurring in my life; it is found freely through genuine love and worship for Him.  As He tends to my many issues, I can breathe easy and walk gracefully.  The Creator of the universe is tending to my needs, so why must I worry?  Why shouldn't I smile and walk by faith and not by sight?  He got me.  God got me and I believe that with all my heart.  I can stand tall as a woman who is confident and righteous because of Him, despite what I went through.   

So, I guess what I am really saying here is that I am truly sorry for the people that feel that way.  My life is never meant to offend, but I do realize it can convict spiritually.  I am truly hurt by the talks, but I would not and cannot afford to trade the joy I feel each day for anyone or anything. What I experience is real and I can share my daily joys because God took me from a place of hurting to a sanctuary of healing!  His move on my life has been the most powerful explosion that has ever happened to me and I am nowhere near being done.  I am still in recovery.  I am still leaning in on Him.  I still need restoration.  More importantly, I am really not at all what you think I am but hopefully, you will be able to see less of me and more of Him in my life.  Christ is the real one we should be talking about anyway. I am not that special compared to Him.  In fact, He is the very reason why I am special and precious to this world but I hope that you will be able to experience that yourself.  He is worth that all that talk, trust me. 

Love,

Stephanie   

Courtesy of We Heart It

distance go away... | letter #90 |

Dear Long-Lost Soul,

I need to write.  I need to express how I feel right now.  I have to scream.  I must shout.  I am not angry but simply trying to break free.  I want to let loose.  I want to open the floodgates of my heart and exercise my pains.  I want to reveal myself.  I want exposure.  I want to be explored and I need some closure.  I just need someone to tell me it's all going to be alright.  Yet, you see, I am not hopeless or anything, I just feel a little unconquered.  I believe there is more of me that needs to be set free.  I think I've been holding back.  I haven't accessed all that is me. 

But I realize what this is all about... 

I am located in the kingdom of God.  That is where I find my identity.  The moment I said yes to Him, I set myself loose.  He proclaimed me free.  A daily walk with God often involves Him exposing me to who He created me to be from the beginning of time.  He tries to get me to remember the beauty of me before the stain of sin.  He reminds me that all that I need is found in Him.  I don't have to look outside of my relationship with God to find what I need.  Every good gift is from the Lord.  There is no blessing in my life that doesn't sprout from His mighty hand.  He provides me with all that I need and more than I could ever think to ask Him for.  His grace is more than sufficient enough for me at any and all times, no matter what. 

So, I know where to find me.  I know where to go when I think I am lost.  I can locate myself when a distance has taken root from the source.  If I feel lonely, it's because I am not going back to where I belong.  If I feel trapped, it's because I have not embraced the grace He's given me.  I find myself in my relationship with God because He alone has the blueprint to my identity.  He alone has conquered my lands.  He alone can led me to what I still have yet to discover about me. 

If you ever felt like me, as if you were unexposed territory itching to be trekked upon, understand that your fulfillment to discover and cover yourself will only be satisfied through Him.  Only God can show you the depths of your grounds and only He can teach you how to access all that is you. 

 I desire to go access all that is me.  It's a journey worth taking but only with Him at my side. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It Pictures

give me some rain... | letter #89|

Dear Someone, 

If anyone is where I was, in a dry and barren land, then I know you would benefit from these beautiful words of a good Heavenly Daddy.  Currently, I am in a season of rain.  I've transitioned out of that dry place into one that moist. I am experiencing His showers daily in various ways.  I am being filled with the things that I need but often times I feel impatient.  I am anticipating the blooming of flowers in the midst of this outpour but I know I must stay present to what I am in now. 

For anyone who can understand the figurative nature of my speech from personal experience, this message is for you: 

Don't be disappointed. My word never comes back void. This applies to everything that I have spoken over you. What God am I who chafes His mind? I am as stable and unchanging as can be. I am not like you, flowing by the waves of your emotion.  It was always my plan to save my people. Always. You simply didn't get don't get all the parts of My plan. You received fragments and bits of pieces. Do not be upset that I did not lay all of My cards before you. Where is the fun in that? Where will you trust Me if you know as much as Me? I reveal enough to you to give you peace. I hand over information to you to give you rest. I want to increase your faith but I do this but unveiling things in time, that you may always know in your heart that I am the Lord, your God. What I have spoken over you will come to pass.

Do not limit Me by your small faith. Rely on Me to hand over what you need to believe in the promises of your life. Believe in what I have spoken over you even if in your mind the details don't match up. I have the cards called life, not you. Trust me with your limited vision. I will give you what you need to cooperate. I will position you. I will grow you so that no man can boast. All that I have spoken over you will come to pass. All these things will happen to bring glory to My name. Receive it in your heart. It doesn't matter what the circumstances look like. Simply believe what I have spoken over you. Don't try to interpret it into your life. Expand your mind and trust Me to give you the correct vision.  

Have faith in Me, daughter. Have faith in your promise. Have faith that it will come to pass. Have faith in our specific relationship. Don't compare it with others. Have faith in what we have. 

With that being said, I welcome all the rain being poured unto me now and invite Him to continue a beautiful work in me. 

Love,

Nativita

Courtesy of We Heart It Pictures

a lovely dark... |letter #88|

Dear Me, 

When I see the Biblical words of Song of Solomon "dark and lovely," I question whether it really applies to me.  I am dark, but does that make me as lovely as others appear to me?  My problem is that I compare my scent to others and I allow their actions towards me to dictate my status.  When I say that I am dark I am not speaking of my skin color but of my heart's truest conditions.  I was darkened by sin but made clean through His blood.  When I speak of my darkness now it sheds light to the intimacy of my soul, uncovered and unfiltered, raw and real. 

I have intimacy problems very specific to me.  My intimacy does not always resemble another's.  I am the most intimate when I reveal to you what I truly think.  I am the most intimate when I tell you my deepest insecurities still running rampant in my heart.  I am the most intimate when I share the most pressing, uncomfortable matters of my heart.  My intimacy is not easy for me to bear.  It's scary to feel and frightening to give.  My intimacy should not be taken for granted.  Do not take it for granted.  I beg of you.

I am not one to tell you everything that is deeply wrong with me because I value the image I uphold.  I truly want to be a role model for others in my life.  In my opinion, sharing grotesque facts about myself tarnishes a pretty picture.  I learned how to be vulnerable but not intimate, transparent but not always truthful.  I've learned to hide some things about myself out of fear of what they what think of me later.  I am afraid they will love me less. 

So when I share something personal, I want them to cherish it.  I want them to catch me when I leap.  I want a safe landing after a risky flight.  This time it didn't happen.  I was left on shaky ground when I shared something pressing.  The pouring of my heart had been bypassed.  It had been labelled dirt. 

This is why I don't think my dark is lovely.  I believe the more I reveal about my innermost self, the uglier I appear.  People can't handle what resides in me.  Many loved ones are confused by what it all means.  I'm hurt and I'm numb from rejection.  I wonder how my future husband will feel.  Yet, I am very aware that this is only the first step.  There is much more healing than hurt to encounter.  Clearly.

God is leading me into a path where I no longer fear my own intimacy despite whether it is rejected or not.  He is teaching me that although I believe I am ugly, He calls me lovely.  It is not for others to dictate my inner beauty but for Him to call His creation their righteous name.  I may not feel splendid on the inside but that does not take away from its truth.  I may feel dismissed by some but I am still fully accepted by my Great King.

So I embark on this journey to become intimate and I bring along His truth.  I will surely need His reminders when things get tough and dirty.  So if you still think you're ugly, it's okay.  Your thoughts will surely be renewed.  

Love,

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It Pictures

just right... (from spelmanites to you) |letter #87|

Dear You,

I need to get this off my chest.  I need to confide it, yet I somehow want to say this out loud.  I know I am being dramatic but if you could follow the train of my emotions maybe you would act similar.  I just feel so accountable to everyone and no one at the same time.  I'm frazzled. 

I'm frazzled because I am now a published author who's afraid to go out into the real world with my art.  I'm frazzled because I'm not ready to be a big girl now. I'm frazzled because I am embarrassed at some of my escaping imperfections.  The book isn't perfect.  As hard as I tried, I forgot some things, missed some things, and disorganized some things.  It's almost shameful if I let myself think about it so hard.  Now, these mistakes are not numerous but as the designer of this piece they look huge in my eyes.

The moment I saw the books plain view, I leaped for joy.  I couldn't believe it had happened.  It seemed but a dream when I was trying to get people to pay attention to it.  I'm humbled by its sight.  But my lighthearted joy was cast down by the anxiety from the mistakes I made in the book.  I couldn't believe I had missed those little, silly things.  As I sit here and seethe in agony, God steps in and shines a light into my path through my spirit, my friends, and my revelations. 

One thing that He's been teaching me is just how imperfect I am.  I am incredibly flawed.  I'm messed up.  I have issues.  I'm a baby at times and I can't seem to make simple decisions.  Yet, He chose ME!  He picked me to be His.  He called my name.  He whispered my way.  I am far from perfect and yet He sought me.  If I am not so, why do I pressure myself to make everything just that?  God showed me the beauty in our imperfections.  Our weaknesses is where He can step in and minister. He can step in and overshadow our faults so that no man can boast.  He wants to.  He desires it.  God wants us to need Him.

So the end of my anxiety attack over a "flawed" book which is not too messy at all, God taught me it didn't even matter because it would not take away from the message He sought to deliver to my readers.  He also taught me to be thankful and proud at what HE empowered me to do.  He helped me through this. God is USED to people not making the mark yet He USES them anyway.  God sends us to do His will knowing we are to rely on HIS perfection, not ours.  And that is what I hope I did.  I hope I relied in His strength and wrote in His grace.  Furthermore, I know He is taking the unfinished work of mine and adding His own finishing pieces to bring HIM glory, not me.  I am evermore grateful to His love and majesty.  There is none like Him. 

So enjoy the book and get ready to receive something. God has His hands all over it.

From Spelmanites to You 

Love, 
Stephanie 

love in little ways... |letter #86|

Dear Daddy,

I want you to pay attention to me.  I am not talking about answering when I call, keeping me from making the wrong turn, or telling me you love me every once in a while.  I am talking about wanting to feel the affection and adoration you have for me every waking moment.  I want to feel that now.  I'm a thirst trap wanting to be set off by your brilliant and satisfying love. 

Of course, I know you've been taking care of me along the way.  You gave me free meals, success on my assignments, and peace in the midst of adversity.  Yet, Daddy I want more.  I want to feel your gaze on my heart and the embrace of your warmth.  I really just want you to stop showing up in everyone else so I can keep you all for myself.  I am jealous for you.  Is this how you really feel about me too?

It's amusing how in the very moments that God shows the mastery of His working Hand in my life I am insatiably desiring more of Him.  Lord, I know you just paid my bill.  Lord, I see that you helped my pass my test.  Father, I appreciate that you gave me the words to say in that difficult circumstance.  I see how much He has provided, guided, corrected, and enriched my path.  Yet, I want more of Him and from Him.  I want things I haven't yet seen before and I don't want to be afraid to ask for it. 

I asked my Daddy tonight and not to my surprise, He answered me with a simple conclusion I could not have reached on my own.  Daddy said, "I express my deep love for you through the people in your life." It hit me then.  It all made sense.  I receive a bountiful amount of love from the people in my life because God knew it would be the best way I would feel His love, even the moments I would think to question it.  Daddy knows I need to be appreciated, encouraged, and affirmed through the words of others.  He knew that giving people the heart to love me would be one of His sweets declarations of His love for me. 

I see now that I have so much more from God than I bargained for:

• I felt His love when 217 people (most of them people I knew) donated to my book's fundraiser because they believed in me. 
• I felt His love when 19 of my friends and family traveled across the country to see me perform in a pageant that had no guarantee I would even win. 
• I felt His love when at least 10 people volunteered to attend my next pageant and hour away simply because they wanted to support me. 
• I felt His love when at least 5 random acquaintances texted me just to tell me how phenomenal, inspirational, and beautiful I was to them.
• I felt His love when 2 prestigious pageant women personally volunteered to couch me in my next pageant, free of charge.
• And I felt His love when He, the 1 true God manifested His way through the words and affections of even more people in my daily interactions.  I could go on forever of all the love I've received this month alone...

Daddy, I am left no choice but to feel admired, loved, adored, and appreciated.  You delivered yourself even before I could ask.  Your great kindness leads me to humble thanksgiving and gratitude.  

Thank you Daddy. You are so good. 

You love me in my own way.

Love, 

Stephanie

feeling some type of way... |letter #85|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I felt some type of way just now.  Oh yes, I wasn't feeling real nice but I see how much I needed to see that picture of that boy who was sweet talking my ear the night before boo'ed up with some other girl. I needed to see it because it was a wake up call.  It was a very nice check back to my reality orchestrated beautifully by the Lord.  

"Wake up, Stephanie!  Your 'friend' was selling you dreams.  Wake up, Stephanie!  Stop falling for the make believe!  Wake up, your authentic man designed just for you is own his way!  Just wait on it.  I promise he's coming." 

I needed to unblind my eyes to the fleshy trap I was falling for.  I needed to realize the entertainment of tall tales could cost me my sanity and heart.  I am saving myself for you.  There is no other.  I was not meant to frolic about among the player's wave but be preserved within the sanctuary of my Daddy's presence.  What was I thinking to even allow myself to receive the banter and emotionally ridden thoughts we exchanged?  I must have forgotten how incredibly compatible you will be for me.  I must have forgotten only yours would be the words I would crave.  I must have forgotten you are worth the wait.

Future husband, I now vow to you my heart, my attention, my love, and my dedication.  I don't need to meet you to actually aim to save my prized and precious goodies for you.  I don't need to spend romantic time with those who were meant to be merely distractions.  Simply because my Father tells me so, I await the day you will expertly slip in between me and my Daddy's dance.  Only you have the two-step to make a lasting impression.  Simply because my Father tells me so, I await the day I can serve you as a wife.  I promise I won't serve these passing men any longer; my heart was meant for yours alone.  

So come, beloved.  I wait for you.  Come. 

Love, Stephanie