i can't "can't" anymore... |letter #55|

Dear Someone Who Can Relate, 

When you find yourself once again in a similar situation that caused you hurt in the past, after a while, you cannot help but ask, so what's the (my) problem? I found myself yet again heartbroken from a person I thought I could trust but this time the pain was vicious. My heart was like an infected gash, an open wound unwilling to heal. How could I move past this? I had loved this person and he had loved me. I could call him up at any hour and knew he would be there for me. I played his damsel in distress and he rode like a black knight. He wasn't perfect. We had our highs and lows, but I knew his relationship was one that would last. I could be myself with him, a person few really ever get to see. He would've been the godfather to my child if not the groom at my wedding. Clearly, I was ahead of myself but it happens. 

Well, he betrayed me. It was worse than anything he's done before so I cut him off. I didn't think he even deserved my friendship anymore. I've been trying to get over it but I need to do it the right way. I can't sit and ignore it, I need to deal with it. I need to make myself emotionally available to be healed. I need to stop worrying about the fact that he's not worrying about me and start helping myself out of this and start worrying about me. I need to think about me. I need to love myself out of this. Thus, I pray this prayer with the ever longing attempt to take what pains me and pray for the opposite:  

1. I can't stand one who refuses to fight. Lord, send me a man who will fight for our love.
2. I struggled with one who lied. Lord, send me a man who will shower me with truth.
3. I dealt with one who flaked. Lord, send me a man who knows what he wants.
4. I can't stand one who is childish. Lord, send me a man who will be spiritually grown.
5. I struggled with with one who over-dominated. Lord, send me a man who can be my match.
6. I dealt with one who lacks interest. Lord, send me a man who wants to know my every detail.
7. I can't stand one who forgets. Lord, send me a man who loves to remember.
8. I struggled with one who was selfish. Lord, send me a man who willing to give.
9. Finally, I dealt with one who stressed. Lord, send me a man who brings me your joy.

Instead of focusing on what I can't stand and struggled with, I'm praying myself through what I do want, can stand, and would love to deal with. I'm going to heal myself with light, not the shadows of my past. 

Love,

Stephanie

if you ever thought you might give up... |letter #54|

Dear Miss Right,

I could ask you the same question. None of us were created to be alone, we thrive off of love and relationship, so I think it’d be mutually beneficial for us to find each other quickly. The truth is, and this is where most guys won’t admit it, I need you as much as you need me. I’ve tried to be one of those super macho guys, but in all honesty, in my heart, nothing could be more satisfying than to be your sensitive and loving provider, your husband. My plans and ideas are everywhere. I ask God daily for direction and confirmation. God’s the only one with the big picture, because I’m as lost as you are. I know that there are wonderful things out there for us to discover together, God will reveal them to each of us in time. There IS a reason we’re still not together. Logically it’s because we haven’t met… or if we have, we haven’t gotten to know each other. You’re not the only one without a line of ducks, I think some of mine might actually be geese, in which case, I have to be rid of them and find the ducks to fill their spots. 

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the right woman and the wrong time being the wrong woman. The same can be said for guys. And truthfully, God’s been dealing with me on issues that would only bring our relationship down. I struggle with the idea of being forgiven without cause, and I need to learn to be more accepting of grace. Until I am, please don’t give up on me.Truthfully, the reason we’re not together is that I’ve asked God to hold off on our introduction until I’m ready to be the man you deserve. I have some of the same fears. Trust me, nothing’s scarier for a guy than to think that he’ll be the emotional head over heels in love one, while you look on in disdain. I want to get lightheaded when you walk into a room, and I want you to melt at my smile. Don’t be afraid, you can never ask too much of God. Nothing is beyond His capacity.The very reason you feel like I should be these things for you, is because God has created a desire in you specifically for me and only me, who will be these things, and you won’t be happy with any other guy.

And believe me, I’m far from perfect. My heart aches at the very thought of you getting me. I’m the undeserving one. It’s not fair that someone with a past like mine gets coupled with the woman of his dreams. But the beauty of grace, is that it makes life not fair. I AM looking for you, and I’m waiting for God to deem the time right for us to meet. The fact that I know you’re out there doing the same, only strengthens me further. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m very much into movies and TV… Luckily, to have an interest in something does not necessarily mean to believe it. Love is not a feeling or emotion that coincides with “Happily Ever After”, it’s a choice. And I’ve decided to love you unconditionally into eternity.

Admittedly, a good appearance is nice, but appearances can be deceiving. Don’t worry about it; be yourself. My eyes were made with you in mind, so I’d say you have an advantage over other women. And besides, if you make yourself look too good, you’ll run the risk of attracting more than just me… I don’t want to have to fend the hounds off my woman! Your imperfections are what make you you, and I can put you just as easily on my screensaver or wall, as any of those other women. And the best part is, then I’ll have the real thing right by my side to keep me warm. Good luck with the cover snatching, you’ll need it. (lol) While there are a lot of pretty women out there, there’s only one for me. I would never settle for someone I could live with, and you shouldn’t either. Where’s the fun in that? I’m the one you could never imagine life without.

I’m the guy you might notice at first, but only in that, vague sort of way, but if you got to know me, you’d find a soul that yearns after God, and that’s what will help you understand the plan God has laid out for the both of us. If I only saw beauty from the world’s perspective, I’d be a rather lonely individual, wouldn’t I? There is none more beautiful than a beautiful soul. I can’t wait to be captivated by yours. I’d take on all the pain the world could throw at you, and you’d be the heaven that helped me bare it. I’ll be the first to admit, I struggle with taking a passive role. It’s hard to be a leader with no one to lead. Your point is valid, however, I find it ironic that you were the one to initiate this conversation, to which I am responding.

I have difficulty knowing who to pursue, I guess my biggest fear is accidentally getting in too deep with someone that’s not you. I have been hurt and rejected, and mostly because I’ve pursued… In fact, most of the stupid things I’ve done have come from “the hunt.” Maybe I should learn to do less shooting and more tracking. I can’t just fire into the crowds and hope for a hit. God has directed me on how to set my sights to find you. And you’ll be my trophy wife. (lol, couldn’t help myself with that one.) I’ll have you know, if you think I’d get married for the sake of getting married, maybe it’s you that’s looking in the wrong places. Marriage is a commitment for life, and that’s a commitment I’d be miserable to make to anyone but you. That and I want my rib back. I’ll tell you what, my rib for the covers, sound like a deal? There is no one I’d rather build my life with.

We’ll have our pitfalls, but we’ll also have our mountain tops, and there’s no one I’d rather share my adventure with because I know that there’s no way I can grow to be the man God wants me to be without you by my side.

I’m getting kinda tired myself. It’s 58 days after New Year’s Eve, and I kissed no one… I was actually oblivious to the clock altogether as I was watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus (but that’s another story). Believe me, I’d rather have been in your arms. I wasn’t truly alone, but I was as good as. I’m one of the ones that feels lonely in a crowd, because I just don’t fit in. I’m not of this world, and that’s how you’ll be able to pick me out. I can’t wait till I can hold you as we usher in our first New Year together. It’ll be my happiest moment… until the next time you smile.

Good night to you, my love! God’s time is His own, but I pray daily that He take into consideration our time not spent together is time lost. I’ll search for you until I die, but I trust God to make sure it doesn’t take that long. Don’t settle for Mister Sorta Charming, because trust me, when you meet me, he’s going to look like the frog. I know not what form you’ll take, but I know you’ll be the woman God’s formed for and from me. I know you will have honesty, faith, tenderness, and a pure heart: each a beauty in and of its own. Even one of these is worth waiting an eternity for. I’ve loved you as long as you have me, and for the same reason. Don’t give up waiting for me, I’m searching for you. When we do finally meet, you can be sure God will have orchestrated it to bring out the both in best of us and to glorify Him in the greatest means possible. God’s been moving in both of our lives, and He’s been moving us together. It’s only a matter of time before that finally happens.

Forever Yours,

Mister Right

p.s. That guy you were talking about that week, the one that was even at the bar in the first place? Yeah, probably not me. : )

-Anonymous

can it get much higher... |letter #53|

Dear True Love,

You are so jealous for me, I cannot muster the courage to face you.  I felt you tonight, deep within my spirit in my earnest prayer. I felt your spirit moving within me and a love so gentle, I wanted to run from it. I wanted to hide my face. I was so ashamed to for you to see what I became. I wasn't the little girl you knew before because I grew up and prostituted my temple to the will of others. I wanted to hide from myself because I could not bear the dishonesty in living like a saint. I omitted the truth from you and me. 

My heart started beating faster when you wrapped your arms around me. I became fearful. I had been long running to others to fill my needs and corrects my insecurities that you became unknown territory. I was upset when I did it, ran to others for love and attention, because I figured I shouldn't have been yearning for those things in the first place. But in that moment, I realized the truth.

I need someone to hold me.

I need someone to love me.

I need someone to fix me.

I need someone to see me.

I need someone who pays me mind.

I need someone to heal me. 

So was I wrong to look for someone to fill these natural human needs? No. I was just wrong by thinking any regular person could serve this role. It's okay to run to someone, but it needs to be the right someone. It needs to be you. You want to hold me so hard, I remember the lasting comfort in your embrace. You want to love me so much, I don't need the affection of anyone else. You want to fix me so bad, I can't remember how I was broken. You want to see me so hard, I no longer know what it means to be intimate. You want to pay me all your mind that I forget how it feels like to be invisible. I want you to heal me so hard that I lose the cripple of imperfection. 

You want me and now, I want you. 

You are my true love and I belong to you.

Love,

Stephanie

i'm awkward for a reason... |letter #52|

Dear Haiti,

My wise elders have forever believed that there was no such impractical thing as being full. In fact, they have assumed that the more food we ate the healthier and stronger we children would be. Therefore, being a chubby child was a characteristic in my family, not a problem. This was only one of the traditional Haitian beliefs that my family harbored growing up. It is not only our country that proclaims us Haitian, but the silly “Haitian” things that we do, say, and believe. 

When inviting any Haitian family to a social gathering, meeting, evening dinner, etc. one must consider the first principle Haitian rule: Haitians always show up two hours later than the time given. I remember back when we were living in New York, my family and I were invited to attend a wedding scheduled to begin at 11 a.m. As we spent a good quantity of the morning preparing ourselves, my mother announced that there was no reason to hurry because the wedding would most likely not start on time. In taking her advice, we finally arrived at the wedding around 1:30 p.m. only to be greeted by crowds of people filing out the church doors who had just witnessed the ceremony we had arrived for. In her embarrassment, my mom quickly blended in the crowd and joined in the nearest conversation about how touching the ceremony had been and we followed. I've never felt so Haitian. Other times was when I had arrived more than 30 minutes late to my 11th birthday party. 

Next, is the hilarious encounter with other Haitians in public. Whenever one Haitian is aware of another Haitian in a public area, he or she starts behaving quite oddly. When out shopping with my mother and aunties, we naturally speak our language, Creole. When a random Haitian person in store hears our conversation, particularly women, she begins to act out this weird, yet natural tendency (cause I can't help but do it myself) to make it known to us that she is also Haitian. She may begin speaking loudly in Creole (to no one by the way) which we notice, but ignore or the most famous technique, she stares. One time, one woman actually stared us down until we left the store. I felt so awkward I said goodbye in our tongue, just to let her know I know we were from the same country.

I was raised by my Granny, the most avid proponent of the Haitian way. Thus, I have been taught to practice her beliefs.  She believed that boys and girls could not be in the same room regardless of being related or not (a popular idea in Haitian culture). It was tortuous and it was only I, out of the children, chosen to practice it. I can remember one time when my Grandmother personally escorted me to the opposite end of the house when she had discovered me and my cousin, Christopher, watching a movie in my parents’ bedroom. She proclaimed that I wasn’t allowed to do such horrid things and I never found her more ridiculous. 

Perhaps the most ridiculous Haitian customs have to do with the men. Haitian men are brought up as kings by their mothers and their women. They take on these traditions that further prove this “ royal-ship.” A Haitian man will refuse to eat dinner unless served by a woman and served to his liking. His lady must drop everything she’s doing in that moment to place the best of the meal on a fancy plate with something good to drink and personally deliver it to him. If not, he will not eat that day. 

Haitians believe that our pikles goes with every dish, we have furniture that is way to big for our rooms, and we never know the end to decorating a room. Every piece of art must be displayed on the tiny table, no excuses. I know I'm Haitian when I believe that United States is made up of Miami, New York, and Boston, when I dip bread in my coffee, when I dress up to go to a wedding as if I were meeting a queen and dress up to go to church as if I were going to a wedding, and when no one is allowed in the living room to the left because it is for the special guests that never seem to show up. I know I am Haitian especially when I am able to dance without music, when my sofas are covered in plastic, I use old clothing to mop the floor and Vaseline for everything, and when I slap anything I can get my hand on when laughing hysterically.

However, as silly as my Haitian culture can be, deep down I realize how much I truly love it and how much it has shaped me to be the person I am today. I am proud to be a Haitian even though my country is suffering and killing its own people. It is who I am. I am guilty of all these Haitian ways, without it I would not be me. Possessing the ability to speak another language breaks barrier with many people. I can express myself in different ways and I find comfort with those who are like me, such as those who do not question what I do because they understand as they do what I do as well. Being Haitian has made me family orientated, passionate, and created a sense of unity in me. 

My culture has opened my eyes to pain, and methods of survival, and at times selfishness. It is what I do with what I learn from my culture that makes a difference. It can be hard to say that I am Haitian in this country because of what is going on in my country, however, I cannot focus on the negative unless I plan to change it. Haitians are intelligent and resilient. It took strength for thousands to cross the sea in a crowded boat from Haiti to Florida, leaving every bit of life they had known. I took courage for my grandma to leave my mother in Haiti and come to the US so she can create a better life for us. It took strength for us to leave Haiti because of the political corruption. Each Haitian has a similar story. Together we make one. This is my culture and who I am.

I love you Haiti. Always & Forever.

Love, 

Stephanie

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this is how i really felt... |letter #51|

Dear Shame, 

When I tell you my roommate is God-sent, I mean it. I was sitting here trying to figure out why I felt this loneliness in my world full of people. Mind you, this was a feeling that just came about as I went through the day. I had a good day even; certain parts really touched my spirit. I killed my debate and it was only my second time doing it in my academic career. My class was cancelled so I had free time to complete unfinished assignments being that I like to procrastinate, but what college student doesn't. I found out I aced a test that I was a little too worried about passing but more importantly, I uplifted my students with low-self-esteem in class today. I saw a need in them to fill and I did it, so why did I feel the same way? When I retreated back into my inner space that only I know best, I felt this loneliness and I couldn't understand why.

It wasn't like I hadn't been communicating with others all day and I hadn't held meaningful conversations. I thought, maybe I needed more. I reached for the phone, searching and looking for someone who could make me feel better, make this feeling of loneliness disappear. I thought about the guy who said he would always have my back, the girlfriend I wished had never moved away, and the friend who could always make me cheese like an idiot through text. Yet, even after exploration in these territories, I wasn't getting what it was I was so looking for. I was still feeling my loneliness somewhere inside. 

So my God-sent roommate walks in, bubbly, bold, and beautiful as always, and she says there's something tense on my mind. Not even surprised at this point on how incredibly intuitive she is about the energies of others because clearly I showed no signs of discomfort, I go ahead and spill my emotional guts like word vomit. I tell her everything, how this loneliness was confusing, how disappointed I was at some decisions, how I wished people would pay me more mind, and other little annoying things that take up space in my mind and as she sits there is silence, she gazes at me with an expression of wisdom. Eventually, I close my mouth and with the same mature glance, she replies, 

" Loneliness is not the absence of people, it is the absence of purpose."

I paused. Where the heck did she get that from? So of course, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget, but then I thought about. It all made sense to me now. I wasn't looking for company, I was looking for some direction from above. I must have looked dumbfounded so she continued to tell me that often times when we go through transitional times in our lives from closing one door, we feel this loneliness and its completely natural.  She defined it as God's time to draw us near to Him when we would want to go to others. But, she concludes, people don't have what we need in these loneliness hours, God does. 

A shift in perspective, a change of thought and I comprehended I had to stop looking into presence, but search for purpose. Today, I tackled the first step of loneliness. It's no longer shameful to me, its enlightening. Thank you to my God-sent. 

Love, 

Stephanie

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ring the alarm... |letter #50|

Dear My Future Husband,

It's my wedding day and I am in the worst condition. I'm nervous. I can't believe I found the love of my life and I'm about to marry you in the next couple hours, maybe minutes. I'm a beautiful mess in a long hugging white gown and generous hair styled modestly; inside my mind is racing. I had been single for so long, I wouldn't know how to act in a marriage, much less get through my wedding day. I can't pull my eyes off my own reflection in the mirror.  A woman stares back, one with mature eyes and a form that screams confidence. This woman could not be me, for inside I feel like a little girl ready to run back to the things I find familiar, to the boys who didn't love me like they should. I'm scared to grow up. I'm numb. It's my wedding day.

There's a knock on the dressing room door signaling my return to reality. I touch up my face and gather my train.  I square my shoulders and quiet my nerves. This was it; my perfect vision sprouted into a tangible vision. I had waited for this my whole life, dreamt about my wedding day since I was a young girl. I greet my mom and sisters at my exit. They flood me with squeaks of enjoyment and squeezes of encouragement. They tell me how beautiful I am and how right this was. Their smiles illuminate and postures display elegance as they walk down the aisle.  I can't see you, it's not my turn yet. I miss you already, I need you by my side.

I start to panic. I grab hold of my dad by my side. I am disconnected within myself. It's my wedding day and I'm letting fear strip my joy. I'm allowing negativity to poison my blessing. My dad starts to walk, the music cues, the melodic tunes brings me back to thoughts of you, thoughts of my wedding day, this special day.  My dad's movements give me strength. I lean on him as it's my last. I loved this man. He taught me how to love you.  My eyes are downcast until I reach the arch. There are so many people gushing at me, few crying. I know them all.  I am lifted with joy. I smile graciously. I still can't see you. I'm counting down the moments and as I count as fast as I can, you appear and my eyes pour into yours and my heart stops.

You are the humanly picture of God's unconditional love and I am almost in tears at the vibrancy of His presence through you. My anxieties and fears are shattered like an image of broken glass. I am confident as I walk towards your sweet spirit.  Your face reads one of pure happiness. Our tears begin to mirror each other's.  I am reminded of our love, our memories, the way you stroke my hair when you tell me you love me. Yet it was more, I could not shake the power of Our Creator in this moment, his ordained arrangement called me and you. My wedding day becomes more than just a physical attainment, it's a spiritual divinity. It is perfect, not because of our flaws but because of His imperfections. I forget my fears, they mean nothing anymore. I forget the past loves, they mean nothing anymore. I forget the past me, God set me free.

Not only will I love you, but I was meant to love you for God tells me so. My wedding day is exactly the way it should be and I look forward to that blessed day.

Love, 
Stephanie

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for this little one... |letter #49|

Dear A Little Girl,

Teaching is not my forte, I admit it because each time I step inside that classroom I am challenged to do something so unnatural to me. It's hard enough to control myself let alone fifteen other little kids. It can take a long time for them to listen to me in the classroom for me to even start teaching them what to do. I used to get lost in the hallways when I would pick them up and then lose them in the hallways after I got them.  Some took advantage of me when I would be way to nice and others tricked me into doing things they knew I wouldn't know they were allowed to do.  Even though I struggled (for the first month), I eventually got it together, especially if this was to be my year long commitment. But that's not the reason why I continue going back. I learned to see past the kids' misbehavior and misguidance in the troubled school and I learned I cared more about the relationships I fostered with them at the end of the day. Honestly, the love I'm growing for these little kids is preparing me to love you one day, a little girl who will be my own.

My heart melts each time my students run to me with smiles on their faces. They become so happy to see me that it wipes away every thing in that day that stole a piece of my joy. Their excitement is contagious and laughter is genuine. I never have to worry about their intentions and them breaking my dreams. I am obsessed with their youth and their cute statures.  I remember what it was like to be a little girl  again as I bring myself to their place. I am reminded about how carefree and joyful life can really be, without the added stress. I wish I could say I had a favorite, but between the Harmoni's and Blake's, all of them produce a special twinge in my heart.  I'm learning about each one of them, like how four-year-old Shayla likes to follow me after class and hates it when I leave and how bad little rascal Blake honestly needs someone to love him since his mom barely shows him mind. Kaila is the sweet goody two shoes who wants to be the best in the class while Wisteria is a little girl  who is way too shy to even mutter one little word. Kierra, one of the older ones, has anger problems along with Kylie. They are beautiful eight years olds who can't seem to let go of the little things while DeMaya simply wants to make it in life and make sure her friends are right by with her.  Nicolas makes me smile. Not only does he remind my of my own in my family, but he truly wants to be a good boy and follow all the rules. I only named nine students, but I wish I could tell you about all thirty. I love them all, but I will love you more.

There would be no one I could compare you, a little girl , my little girl, to as you would birth from my very womb made from the very genetic, spiritual, mental, social, physical things that make me me and him him.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms the way I want to hold little Lyrric or cradle Ashleigh.  I can't wait to show you unconditional love like the Father showed me and my parents portrayed. You will be the best thing I will have ever done in my life, because you, my sweet, will represent a holy, sacred union of love and purity. I'll soon have experiences with you that bring me the same joy and create a relationship that I will aim to be unbreakable. You will never have to doubt my love, carry anger for my ways, or feel unattached. I will know when to let go and when to grab on.

So to a little girl , my little baby girl, until then..

Love,
Stephanie

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just in case i forgot... |letter #48|

Dear Sisters Around Me,

I caught myself slipping lately, mentally, which started affecting the way I viewed and felt about certain things in my life. I was doubting myself, lost my confidence, and made excuses on why I didn't deserve  the things I wanted. I focused on everything I haven't done and neglected everything that brought me to this place. Essentially, I forgot where I came from and what my journey looked like getting here. 

How could I have done that? How could I have let myself become so negative about the person I was and accept to think that no one liked me? Why would I ever think these thoughts were okay? They are far from okay because 1) God's words don't claim that as truth and 2) my journey denies it. I have come a long way and I refuse to let anything let me feel less than qualified. 

Early on, I decided that I would not be ordinary, but I would work to become extraordinary. Back in high school, my family was proud of who I pushed myself to become. I challenged myself academically, stayed involved in developing my talents, was recognized for my excellence and adored for my spirit. I focused on what mattered, developing relationships that would prosper and building a future that would last. I started the first Black History Month event at my high school, danced in almost every production offered, and was nominated to represent my school for a city Pathfinder Award in English. I also was elected to be Student Ambassador Chair on campus and joined 2 honor societies. I was on the Principal's List every year since ninth grade and earned achievement awards in five subjects and then graduated high school with a 4.1 GPA and had passed 5 AP and 8 honor classes. I didn't want to be average, I wanted to be more. 

Thus, Spelman College, the #1 HBCU, was my choice. Not only did it fit what I was looking for, but I knew I was supposed to be there. My first semester I almost hit a 4.0 to set the tone of the rest of my college academics. I joined Stroll and Step teams and later continued other avenues of dance and performance. I put in work to accomplish my goals. I went out for Miss Alpha Lamda Delta and got second attendent but went out for Miss Kappa Alpha Psi and became queen. With my earned title, I held two campus events, one for Black History Month, in which I addressed issues within the Black community. I had my attendees of this event write positive messages on brown paper bags to symbolize turning something negative into something positive. I had the chance to display these bags on the board in Upper Manley for about a month after. I felt confidence in what I was trying to do.

At the end of my sophomore year, I wanted to help first years transition into Spelman by creating a book filled with quotes of advice and encouragement. I called it "From Spelmanites to You" and got over 75 Spelman students to participate in its creation. I was able to write about it in the Spelman newspaper last year and am still in the process of seeing my dream become reality. I care about adding to Spelman just like I care about my Haitian roots. My junior year, I started the first unofficial Haitian club called Klub Kreyol after the earthquake to help my Haitian Spelman sisters have a place to connect. Outside of Spelman, I will continue to serve my people as a volunteer through the medical mission trips to Haiti I do almost every summer.

I have been active along the years, but my work is not done as I am in the process of completing my senior thesis on colorism and my campus research in a preschool lab. I am now President of the Psi Chi International Honor Society, one of the five honor societies I have been inducted in. My goal is to get Phi Beta Kappa this year by continuing to excel in my major of psychology and later present my research at school fairs and conferences. I plan to graduate as magna cum laude from the honors program and with departmental honors on May 19, 2013. I hope to attend grad school and get a Dual Degree Master's in Mental Health Counseling and Behavioral Medicine and PhD in Counseling Psychology. I want to open my own private practice one day, write books, and become a role model for successful women. I desire to see all my dreams fulfilled and continue to allow God to make a way. I have confidence I can do it all. Sometimes, I forget He makes this happen for me and He should get this glory, not me. 

But aside for a story of what I've done, I can honestly say I think I am a good person. I genuinely care about people. I truly want to see others people happy and successful. I want people to be inspired by my words and my walk. I want to be able to help others reach their goals. I want to be a good friend, sister, and daughter. I want to bring sunshine to your life. I want be able to share God's blessings in my life. Yet, I get caught up in the little things and forget what I'm about to really be a motivating spirit to others. I've struggled with confidence and let things make me feel inferior. 

This by all means, it not a way to say why I'm the best; it's a reminder why I should love myself, never underestimate myself, continue to praise God. It's also an attempt to share that if you were feeling like me, you need to go ahead and write about yourself too. I can be shy, so I won't share my dreams with others and build the support I need. But I'm learning to be more effective and expressive; this was just my first step.

Love,

Stephanie

If you enjoyed this passage, please click the highlighted links throughout the work to learn about my business to read more, click on the Empower Network page to watch my personal video, orclick here!

a big of something happy... |letter #48|

Dear Me,

I can finally say I have finally reached the level of stability I sought in my spiritual relationship with the Lord and for this, I have the uttermost joy. When I realize how much power the Lord actually has over the outcome of my life, as I essentially realized today, I could not help but lift in spirits KNOWING that my ways will be part of His will. 

Maybe this sounds jumbled to those who are reading. Well, basically, I have been searching for God for a while, I would classify myseld as a lost Christian, whom I simply believe is a person who aims to follow Christ, imperfect and all.  I was so strayed from the path I was to be on and it even confused me on who I was a person.  It's difficult to be truly happy when inside you feel so not together. I mean, no, I didn't have this radical moment in life where I dropped to my knees in a earnest plea to the heavens to spare my life (although I don't object to that).  I simply sought him through His word and prayer, and He met me.

To be even more plain, I was reading the Bible of my smartphone, so no need to get fancy with the big ol' Book if you don't have one.  I was literally reading Genesis 1, the beginning, when God made everything as we know it today. The sky, the heavens, the sun, light, the seas, the lands we live on, and I thought, I mean I know this. But it was different this time when I read something that I already knew. I realized then, how absolutely ridiculous it was to resist FULLY trust in God with my own life when he created all the world.  I had some serious trust issues when it came to God. I didn't think He is really going to take me when I need to go. I could trust an airplane to deliver me safely but I could not trust the Creator of the Universe to control the outcomes of my life.

Until today... 

I mean God works like that sometimes. But, you just need to want to be helped in return. I know some of you don't believe in God, and that's great, but at the end of the day, you don't need to believe in Him to experience Him. That's clear. Regardless, I hope that you found your happiness just as I found mine because this is a joy that can and will not be stripped away by mere man. 

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

to the one who ran away... |letter #47|

Dear the One Who Ran Away, 

This will probably be one of the realest messages I will ever post because as of right now, I don't want to continue to carry seven months worth of baggage between us. It's taking me so long to write this because I'm trying to understand each sensation that ripples through me. I feel sad, upset, disappointed, angry, guilty, resentful, hurt, and more intensely, pain.  It's no longer right between us because we never even talked about where things went wrong. We just act like everything is okay, but every time I am around you I am reminded of the things I was too afraid to say and the feelings I tried to cover.  Why are we acting like everything is how its supposed to be? Why are we acting like this doesn't hurt?

You came into my life because I chose you. I wanted you to have a place. I shared my life with you and we pushed each other towards our dreams. I always believed in you, and I trusted you did the same for me. We went through crap, dealing with boys, messing with grades, trying to make the cut, and finding out who were were as women. We went through that crap together.  I haven't known you for half my life, but the year and a half I did we grew to become sisters. But now we can't even communicate like friends. 

I don't know why you feel this way towards me, and I don't know why I feel this way towards you. I feel sad because I care about this relationship. I feel upset because I lost a connection and fluidity of trust. I feel disappointed because we were supposed to talk this out like regular friends. I feel angry because I felt like you never appreciated me in your life. I feel resentful because I gave so much and felt like it all went to waste. I feel hurt because you never gave me time to express how I felt and I feel pain because this hurts so much I can't even stand to continue writing.

I'm sick of this. I'm tired of pretending and hiding the truth. We think things in our mind but we don't say it. We grow apart and allow it. We make mistakes and don't own up to it. We play the game but don't finish it. Well, I'm done but if I have to fight for you, I will. I don't know how your other friendships went and I don't know if you realize how you push people away, but if I have to put up with this for a possible happy ending, that's what I will do. Why? I don't want to see you fall. I don't want to see you unhappy. I don't want to see you struggle with hurt and forgiveness. I don't want to see you regret and I'm not the type to give up on someone that I truly love, despite it all.

Maybe I'm wrong about you. Maybe you're happier without this in your life. Maybe my perception is flawed, but at this point, I don't know and little do I care.  I would rather try to reach out to you in my distortion than sit in my ignorance. I refuse to simply let this go. 

Take it or leave it because I am not going to change. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

worth the wait... |letter #46|

Dear Single Black Women, 

"Ladies, if you have to ask a man:

'So what are we?' or "Where is this relationship going?'

The answer is NOWHERE. Men BY NATURE are hunters and go for what they want.  If he WANTED you to be his wife, he would have PROPOSED.  If he wanted you to be his LADY, he would have asked you! Men go hard for what they truly want. If he's not going hard for you, YOU'RE NOT WHAT HE WANTS!

You are VALUABLE. Focus on GOD and save your time & energy for a man of God that can't wait to put a ring on your finger and proudly claim you!

With love... God Bless"

-Anonymous 

This was probably the most genuine quote I have come across in a very long while.  Not only does it address the issues single black women face with men and relationships, but it emphasizes the importance of us knowing our self-worth.  Bottom line.

Last summer, I was completely guilty of asking a guy where we were going, settling to go NOWHERE, acting like I didn't care while still giving in to it all. I ended up heartbroken and motivated to never let another guy in my heart EVER AGAIN. I was convinced that there would be no one else out there for me and nothing would ever happen for me.  I decided to close off emotionally and make each man who came pay for the actions of my last. It took a good best friend along with a couple of tears to get me back to my right mind.  But before that, I experienced how hurtful it was to be used and abused, played and dismayed by a man I thought I could love.  But is it really right for me to blame it all on him? Did I not have my own fault in the way I allowed myself to get treated and where I allowed things to go? I would be a fool to deny it. 

How often do you sit around waiting on the actions of one man in hope of maybe, possibly getting that relationship that you really wanted, only to be disappointed with nothing but a broken expectation and bitter heart.  Before you even allow yourself to go through your WOULDA COULDA SHOULDA's and what if's of the situation, stop and remember...

You are the prize, not him! 

You say you believe that, but you know your actions don't always show it.  At the end of the day, we single black women think we should make things easier for him or give in a little bit more of what he wants. We need to realize that there IS someone out there who is especially designed for us.. 

To grow us, develop us, teach us, embrace us, 

& be WITH us. 

If we wait for it and treat ourselves like we are WORTH the time put in, we will get the love and relationship we so desire. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

too enslaved to be free... |letter #45|

Dear Those Who Want Financial Freedom, 

This weekend was all girls' weekend, meaning yes, there was shopping, dancing, partying,  maybe even a little drinking and acting a silly fool involved.  But especially SHOPPING.  I took my best girl friends over to a huge mall about 20 minutes out of town simply because his mall had every single store in the world that we were looking for and mind you, we were all looking for different things.  We walked in and I could not help but marvel at the vast array of shoes, jewelry, outfits, and accessories I could chose from. I immediately thought of all the pieces that could compliment my own back home and I could not help but get excited and hope. But of course, I stopped myself from even going there....  I just knew I could not afford anything that I wanted.  Not one single thing. 

I constantly worry about money especially since I have to pay rent. I never know when my next will cover and how much extra I will have each month.  I literally count each penny when it comes to my finances.  It's not being smart, its being ENSLAVED.  It drove me crazy that I couldn't buy more than half of the things I wanted over in Forever 21 and H&M, my 2 favorite stores because of the lack of money. And when I did buy a $20 dress.... I hated my self for it. I told myself I shouldn't have because I would need that $20 bucks for something else of semi-more importance.

That's when I thought of Empower Network and why I joined in the first place. Here was my open opportunity to gain that freedom I so desired for so long and I had been neglecting my way out.  Empower Network is my way out of the bondages of being a BROKE COLLEGE BLACK GIRL and into becoming that financially secure women I know I can become in only a matter of time. 

So why was I sitting of my butt still counting my pennies? Because to be honest, we don't appreciate a good thing when we see it.  It's only when its taken away from out lives that we realize how much worth, power, and future our good thing had.  Empower Network is my good thing before I became WUSSY.  I started getting lazy and wishing things would just happen for me just like that (where they do that at?!).  But guess what, life doesn't work that way because everything in life that is well worth fighting for is work.  But guess what, this is the best type of work, why?  

1. You don't have to be experienced to work this job. 

2. You don't need to rich to start. 

3. You don't need to be jobless to work. 

So... what are you waiting for? Well wussy no more, this girl is on the move and I suggest you do the same unless you never want to shop a day in your life again... I want to be able to buy the whole mall, wouldn't you?  First goal, shopping.

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

If you enjoyed this passage, please click the highlighted links throughout the work to learn about my business to read more, click on the Empower Network page to watch my personal video, orclick here!

little black book... |letter #44|

Dear My Future Daughter, 

Sweet beauty, you will be the delight in my eyes.  I write to you because I desire that you learn from me the flaws and perfections of human experiences.  Baby girl, life itself is beautiful but it is the journey that makes it worthwhile.  I don't mean to sound cliche, I promise I will be the cool mom, but when I say I want you to cherish your moments, I mean it. 

I share with you a piece of  my little black book, so feel free to peek around. I'll keep it short and sweet but before you read, I don't want to you to be overwhelmed. Ask me anything you want, it's okay to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you don't like something, tell me. If you do, tell me for sure.  

Baby girl, I love you more than you could ever know. So I write these notes for you. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

on my own... |letter #43|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I don't really want to talk about this, but I know that I need to get it out of my system.  I didn't even know who to talk about it with, who to address it to really, but I figured since you're supposed to be my best friend, it should be you.  I don't know how to say this without being completely obvious, but I'll try my best. I no longer feel at home.  Instead, I feel as if I should feel guilty for who I am in this place.  I am often looked upon as being able to afford what others can't and have often experienced the obligation to provide for those based these silent declarations.  Vague, I know, but when I really tell you in the privacy of my home, you will understand. 

Basically, I am borderline being taken advantage of because of where I stand today.  According to those, I am not allowed to ask for help, because I should never need it.  I should never be of need because everything will be handed to me.  I don't deserve the freebies of others because I should be one giving away.  So when I do need, I am the one at fault. When I do seek, I am the one to blame.  The good things I have done don't count.  It doesn't that I have remained humble, considerate, and respectful. It matters where I came from and what I represent. I don't deserve to be taken care of. 

Simply, because it wouldn't be fair to someone else and I am too privileged. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

first things first... |letter #42|

Dear Me, 

I am the prize. I am the investment that you will desire in your life. I am the only who must be captured, swept, and won.  I claim my place of worth into existence. 

But, I have to say that everyday.  It is not innate just yet. To love myself just as my Creator designed me is a progress, some days are hard while others, an easy breathe.  Sometimes, I don't like the way my shape forms or the way my hair places.  Sometimes, I hate how much I over-think and how much I worry about dumb little things.  Many times, I love the way I write and how I can put two pieces together and call it fashion. In turn, inspired by a similar piece by a close friend, I realize, no, I don't love myself as my heart, mind, soul, and body desires. I could guard my heart more. I could be healthier. I could corrode the negativity from my mind and seek overall spiritual well-being. Who will care for me, if it's not me? Who else will take on that responsibility, but me?  I love and care, but I do not love and care as much I need to.  

The first step lies with the elimination of self-criticism.  I admit I can do better, but let me plan out how I could do that and avoid beating myself up for not. Let me avoid clouding my mind with things I should've done and creating situations to act in the opposite. Let me avoid the traps and flee the potholes hidden in the dark corners of my mind.  Then, I will watch the exhilaration experience of transformation. 

The day I revel in my own skin will be a glorious day.  It would have meant that I have completely let go of my insecurities, abandoned the negative perceptions of my flaws, and grasped the totality of me.  I can't wait to fall in love with myself just as easily as it has been to fall in love with others. come and gone.  I can't wait to shout how amazing I am, strong I've become, and sexy I look. 

I can't wait for my fairytale love romance... with none other than me.

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

i thank you... |letter #41|

Dear Readers,

My eyes almost well as I begin to write this because in the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with love and appreciation towards my blog. I really affect people when I write. Here I sit, simply writing down some of my innermost feelings, about topics that are dear to me, but receive such admiration from those around me for it. Hearing all this positive feedback makes me believe I have the potential to really make a difference. It makes me feel special.

That special feeling hit a part of my heart I never knew existed. I couldn't stop smiling with every compliment and every encouraging word.My heart melted because not only I am a sucker for sweet things, but something so personal to me was made beautiful to someone else. It also makes me feel like I have the power to use my words to channel change.  I can inspire you. I can challenge you. I can make you smile, if only you read what I lay in front of you. I am humbled by the thought.

 One friend, whom I hadn't talked to in at least two weeks, called me to tell me why he appreciated the things that I wrote. He said the honesty and vulnerability of my words leave him searching to deepen his connection to my piece. He wanted more.  Another friend said I was brave to expose myself to publicly for display.  Not only was I a talented writer, but I was able to express myself in a way that made others relate. Another said I was able to help her understand what had been bothering her for two weeks, simply in a paragraph.

I understand that I am a good writer, but the real question is why? Why can I affect those with such simple words? Why can I bring people to this simple site?  Perhaps, the reasons lie differently for each person. As I discover this knowledge, I revel in the truth.  My heart pumps with the purpose and power that was ordained mine.  I am a writer.  I am me. I am a difference.

I cannot ask for anything else.
Thank you reading.

Love, 
Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It