Dear Shame,
When I tell you my roommate is God-sent, I mean it. I was sitting here trying to figure out why I felt this loneliness in my world full of people. Mind you, this was a feeling that just came about as I went through the day. I had a good day even; certain parts really touched my spirit. I killed my debate and it was only my second time doing it in my academic career. My class was cancelled so I had free time to complete unfinished assignments being that I like to procrastinate, but what college student doesn't. I found out I aced a test that I was a little too worried about passing but more importantly, I uplifted my students with low-self-esteem in class today. I saw a need in them to fill and I did it, so why did I feel the same way? When I retreated back into my inner space that only I know best, I felt this loneliness and I couldn't understand why.
It wasn't like I hadn't been communicating with others all day and I hadn't held meaningful conversations. I thought, maybe I needed more. I reached for the phone, searching and looking for someone who could make me feel better, make this feeling of loneliness disappear. I thought about the guy who said he would always have my back, the girlfriend I wished had never moved away, and the friend who could always make me cheese like an idiot through text. Yet, even after exploration in these territories, I wasn't getting what it was I was so looking for. I was still feeling my loneliness somewhere inside.
So my God-sent roommate walks in, bubbly, bold, and beautiful as always, and she says there's something tense on my mind. Not even surprised at this point on how incredibly intuitive she is about the energies of others because clearly I showed no signs of discomfort, I go ahead and spill my emotional guts like word vomit. I tell her everything, how this loneliness was confusing, how disappointed I was at some decisions, how I wished people would pay me more mind, and other little annoying things that take up space in my mind and as she sits there is silence, she gazes at me with an expression of wisdom. Eventually, I close my mouth and with the same mature glance, she replies,
" Loneliness is not the absence of people, it is the absence of purpose."
I paused. Where the heck did she get that from? So of course, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget, but then I thought about. It all made sense to me now. I wasn't looking for company, I was looking for some direction from above. I must have looked dumbfounded so she continued to tell me that often times when we go through transitional times in our lives from closing one door, we feel this loneliness and its completely natural. She defined it as God's time to draw us near to Him when we would want to go to others. But, she concludes, people don't have what we need in these loneliness hours, God does.
A shift in perspective, a change of thought and I comprehended I had to stop looking into presence, but search for purpose. Today, I tackled the first step of loneliness. It's no longer shameful to me, its enlightening. Thank you to my God-sent.
Love,
Stephanie
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