Dear Me,
I've been meaning to write for a while, but for some reason words would appear blank on my page. Things in my life has been changing, spinning, transforming and spiraling so fast I didn't want to take a mental break. I had deadlines to keep up with, friends to acknowledge, people to call, and events to plan. On top of that, I had a broken heart to mend.
See, life hasn't been perfect and though I don't expect perfection, I'm not sure I was fully prepared for how certain things transpired in my life. For the first time, I entered a real relationship then lost it and I had one of my best friends walk out on me. I also experienced one of the hardest seasons in my business because people on my team quit on their dreams and my closest loved ones didn't support me in the way that I needed. But I was also dysfunctional in this season. I disappointed one of my best friend's on the biggest day of her life and I hurt one of my family member's feelings on his birthday. These things made me feel defeated, forgotten, rejected, and confused. I wasn't sure if I was in my own lane or if I had driven off course. I couldn't help but feel guilty and wronged at the same time and miserable from a life that was less than ideal.
Yet, in the midst of my adversities, I sensed a still voice telling me, "Everything is going to be okay."
I don't like to refute the voice of the Lord, but I couldn't help but argue back, "How God? How is everything going to be okay?" Friends had dumped me. I ended a serious relationship unexpectedly. Business wasn't taking off. I needed answers and I wanted them now. "How God, were you going to transforming my seemingly shattered life?"
I never got my answer. Instead, I got the strength from Him to k e e p g o i n g without looking back. The hardest thing for a control freak like me to do is to accept things "as is" and not attempt to fix it to "it was." I'm a natural fixaholic. I wanted things in my life to go back the way they were before the fuzziness, gray areas, and shut doors. But I also received the peace that everything that happened in my life had occurred because He granted them permission to. I truly learned in depth of what we understand as God's sovereignty. It tells me that though I don't understand why, I can trust in His how:
- how He will repair my broken relationships
- how these occurrences will all work for my good
- how He has forgiven me for the ways I've hurt others, and even myself
- how what I experienced will prepare me for the next season
I've decided to trust Him with the how because I know He is the author of my why's. I know that everything under Him has a purpose and a season. I can trust that the ebbs and flows of my life are being steered properly by my Captain.
So though it is hard, I will keep going and continue living each day purposed by Him. I'm living out the how.
Love,
