Dear Followers,
I just wanted to let you know that I am just as messed up, insecure, and broken as you are today. There's been some comments made behind my back that are truly heartbreaking to hear. For the first time in my life or maybe just to my obvious knowledge, people don't like me and it makes me want to ball up in a corner and cry my eyes out. I'm not used to this feeling at all. If you don't like me, I care. I want to know what I did and where I went wrong to make you want to say such hurtful things about me. I am ready to embark on a quest to restore my name and make it alright again. I want to be popular again. What's wrong with me now and what can I do to change?
It's not everyone that doesn't like me; there are just a select few who have been talking negatively about me but that's enough to make me feel like my whole world is crumbling before me. I don't know who they are, but it is only by the Holy Spirit invested in me that I'm still okay today. If you haven't noticed, I am extremely sensitive. I cry when I'm mad and I can't always express my feelings unless I'm writing. I not naive to think that my world is really ending because several people don't like me. I am very aware of the tragedies going on in the world and the local ones I pass each day. However, I can admit that in the midst of these things, there's a deep part of my heart that still aches inside. I have not yet developed such tough skin. I will get there one day. Until then, I can only pray for those people who wish me ill and make sure that what I'm doing serves my audience of one well, Jesus.
Sometimes, the path in which Jesus leads His people is rough. We start losing friends, popularity, prestige, and losing appeal. Promoting a relationship with Christ is not a hot topic these days. It actually pushes people away. It is never my intention to force anything down anyone's throat. I do not endorse that whatsoever. However, I do endorse sharing my faith, being a light, and inspiring and/or encouraging others. That is my truest heart's desire so it does hurt when people cannot see my heart along the way.
Unfortunately, I don't always get it right. Very recently, I caught myself being a "Martha" instead of a "Mary." For those of you who aren't too familiar with that story, here are some key points: 1) Both Martha and Mary LOVED Jesus and 2) both Martha and Mary SERVED Jesus. However, when it was time for Jesus to come visit the home of the two sisters because Martha welcomed Him, Martha was caught up SERVING and WORKING for Jesus and Mary was found at His feet LISTENING and WORSHIPPING Him. As a result, Martha got mad at her sister and even scolded Jesus for not telling Mary to come help her with the preparations in the kitchen to serve Jesus with. In response, Jesus said that Mary had found exactly what mattered most in life and He would not take that away from her.
Jesus was saying that what matters most in this life is a true, intimate relationship with Him. What matters most is being able to stop and worship, love, listen to, and adore Him. Yet, I got caught up and distracted with my service to God that I stopped loving Him, loving myself, and loving others. Some of the things I expressed stemmed from this consistent desire to serve Christ. As a Christ-follower, I am flawed because of my flesh and my drive towards perfectionism cripples me terribly. I fall short and make so many mistakes. I'm literally nothing without Him and would be nowhere without His grace and favor on my life. When I am being "Martha", His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).
The hardest thing to hear is that I believe I am better than others because I am always happy and I have it all together. This pierces my heart for two main reasons. First, it hurts me because I have grown to be genuinely happy. Second, it hurts me because the ONLY reason why I am happy is because Jesus saved me. Beloved, the only reason why my life looks so put together is because I intentionally decide to focus on the blessings God is pouring on my life in the midst of all of my UGLY trials. In July, I went through hell. What I could have shared via social media would have never fully captured the reality of what I went through. I could never truly capture my pain, my tears, my frustration, and my headaches in 140 characters, statuses, or pictures and/or picture captions. When I could help it, I chose to be positive and even when I fell into a pit of despair, God snuck up behind me and pushed me back up to walk in the light. God gave me a choice in that valley season of July: I could either be happy and trust Him or I could be miserable and lose all of my faith in Him. I was too scared to pick the latter.
I chose to be happy because when I reflect on what God has done for me and where He brought me from I cannot help but rejoice. Before I recommitted my life to Him, I struggled with a lot of crap. I was envious over others, hurt over being abandoned three separate times, rejected several times by people who said they loved me, had sex with the wrong people, never felt good enough for anyone and anything, was drinking just because I really didn't like myself, and was focusing on other people because I didn't really love who God made me to be. For about 5 years of my life, I also struggled with depression from things that happened in high school that I never addressed until I came into full intimacy with God. Can I be even more transparent? I still deal with some of that dirt today. God surely took me out of my shackles and bondage, but He is still healing me from the scars of my past. I am realizing more and more that I need Him more than I thought as He reveals more and more of what I still carry deep inside this little heart of mine. Just read some of my old blogposts from years ago, because, whew, I was going through some emotional baggage!
Yet, God taught me how I can be truly happy despite the residue in my life for He shows me that my happiness is a gift from Him. He has bestowed that fruit upon my life and for that I am incredibly grateful. True joy is not dependent on what is occurring in my life; it is found freely through genuine love and worship for Him. As He tends to my many issues, I can breathe easy and walk gracefully. The Creator of the universe is tending to my needs, so why must I worry? Why shouldn't I smile and walk by faith and not by sight? He got me. God got me and I believe that with all my heart. I can stand tall as a woman who is confident and righteous because of Him, despite what I went through.
So, I guess what I am really saying here is that I am truly sorry for the people that feel that way. My life is never meant to offend, but I do realize it can convict spiritually. I am truly hurt by the talks, but I would not and cannot afford to trade the joy I feel each day for anyone or anything. What I experience is real and I can share my daily joys because God took me from a place of hurting to a sanctuary of healing! His move on my life has been the most powerful explosion that has ever happened to me and I am nowhere near being done. I am still in recovery. I am still leaning in on Him. I still need restoration. More importantly, I am really not at all what you think I am but hopefully, you will be able to see less of me and more of Him in my life. Christ is the real one we should be talking about anyway. I am not that special compared to Him. In fact, He is the very reason why I am special and precious to this world but I hope that you will be able to experience that yourself. He is worth that all that talk, trust me.
Love,
Stephanie
Courtesy of We Heart It
