Dear Me,
When something inside isn't right, I don't make sense. My spirit is deflated, my smile is weak, my presence is dull, and my days become blurs. I can't seem to concentrate in school, my love life looks worse, I worry about everything, and I feel like no one around me can really understand. I have been conditioned into thinking that nothing should be wrong with me. I am to fit into the molds pressured into my life in order to reach the approval of myself or others. I am not allowed a moment of weakness because I will let down those I inspire and look up to my walk. I cannot be sad. I cannot be confused. I cannot show weakness. I cannot be trapped. I need to be sane. I need to be right. I cannot crack.
I am a silly woman and because of such a damaging mentality, I have stripped away my authenticity.
Rather yet, my own happiness.
But every me, has a story. I went through life playing the part and fitting the role. I lived up to my family's expectations of me. I could do no wrong. I was not rebellious. I made wise expected decisions for my life. I learned to understand what people wanted from me and eventually I feed into that standard. There was little of me and more of them. But that was just home. Christianity made it worse for me. I learned the good news but being surrounded in a Christian school with Christian eyes judging me, I cared less about the news and more about how people saw me. I was a good Christian. I followed the Bible. I went to church. I prayed. I was pure. My mouth was clean. I shaped myself into what I came to believe a Christian was and I was pretty good at it. But when I went to college, I cracked, eventually.
I started drinking. I started partying. I starting exploring. I had sex, and kept having it. I almost left the entire Christian lifestyle behind me, except I never cussed. I still don't. Yet, through all my "rebellious" acts, I could not separate what I had learned from Christianity and what I was now doing. In everything I did I was conflicted. I couldn't abandon my conscience telling me what I was doing was wrong. My relationship with God had been real, but my religion had been too overbearing. Living up to both people's and Christianity's expectations left me numb. I didn't know who I really was and what I really wanted and I possessed a desperate desire to find out. I was standing in between worldy me and Christian me, so afraid to go in either direction. I was tired of trying to fit into the molds. I was so unhappy.
Until today, when I finally screamed out to God in my utter honesty and admitted that I could no longer play his good Christian daughter and try so hard to look good in front of others. I told God I was done trying to be something I was not and acting like I didn't like drinking, partying, and having fun. I shouted my frustration of how living under this mask was draining me of my spirit. I told Him I did not even want to try anymore. I was done. Then, I told him I needed it to be real. All of it, because I was so sick and tired of following Him with a divided heart.
I forgot to mention how through my internal battle God was working outside of the RELIGION of Christianity and into my spirit. My roommate was invited to a bible study tonight and invited me as well. Of course, I wouldn't say no both because it was "right", but a larger part of me was seeking God's answers for my life. The house was shady on the outside and the first impression of the girls was almost a turn off. I was not used to loud rambunctious people. Every girl in the room had a little bit of weird. However, I sat quietly on the couch until the study began and 2 hours later, every girl I had seen as foreign before became beautiful in my eyes as they intentionally surrounded me with tearful prayers and miraculous truth.
I had been personally attacked by the spirit of God through these women as each spoke a piece of truth I had been searching for:
- All this time, I thought I had to change for God. I was so wrong. He wants me just as I am, flaws and all. I don't need to TRY to live this so called goody life. I just need to seek Him and everything will fall in place. He designed me like this. I don't need to abandon who I really am to be with Him.
- Religion is not for me and I am no longer subject to a list of do's and don'ts as Jesus already paid the price for everything I did wrong. God just calls me to love Him and stop trying to follow a stringent protocol.
- God is real and working even when I don't want to believe it. I look back at my life and see how much He has done for me. Even when I basically got caught up with the act, He still showed me that His plan for my life doesn't change. I was still meant for victory.
- There are other beautiful women out there that went though the exact same struggle as me and I met some tonight. I have been blessed because of it. I am never alone and it's okay to be vulnerable, weak, unsure, and ugly.
- My ways aren't bad but most of the time, because I can't see the outcome and consequences of my decisions, it's better to seek God's direction. He knows what I really want and often times I think I can have it now. What He's saying is that better things can come if I wait and trust.
I was meant to be in that random room tonight. It was not a coincidence. I am so renewed that I felt inspired to share my story because I know somewhere out there someone else is where I am at now. Be encouraged.
Love,
Stephanie
