first things first... |letter #42|

Dear Me, 

I am the prize. I am the investment that you will desire in your life. I am the only who must be captured, swept, and won.  I claim my place of worth into existence. 

But, I have to say that everyday.  It is not innate just yet. To love myself just as my Creator designed me is a progress, some days are hard while others, an easy breathe.  Sometimes, I don't like the way my shape forms or the way my hair places.  Sometimes, I hate how much I over-think and how much I worry about dumb little things.  Many times, I love the way I write and how I can put two pieces together and call it fashion. In turn, inspired by a similar piece by a close friend, I realize, no, I don't love myself as my heart, mind, soul, and body desires. I could guard my heart more. I could be healthier. I could corrode the negativity from my mind and seek overall spiritual well-being. Who will care for me, if it's not me? Who else will take on that responsibility, but me?  I love and care, but I do not love and care as much I need to.  

The first step lies with the elimination of self-criticism.  I admit I can do better, but let me plan out how I could do that and avoid beating myself up for not. Let me avoid clouding my mind with things I should've done and creating situations to act in the opposite. Let me avoid the traps and flee the potholes hidden in the dark corners of my mind.  Then, I will watch the exhilaration experience of transformation. 

The day I revel in my own skin will be a glorious day.  It would have meant that I have completely let go of my insecurities, abandoned the negative perceptions of my flaws, and grasped the totality of me.  I can't wait to fall in love with myself just as easily as it has been to fall in love with others. come and gone.  I can't wait to shout how amazing I am, strong I've become, and sexy I look. 

I can't wait for my fairytale love romance... with none other than me.

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

i thank you... |letter #41|

Dear Readers,

My eyes almost well as I begin to write this because in the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with love and appreciation towards my blog. I really affect people when I write. Here I sit, simply writing down some of my innermost feelings, about topics that are dear to me, but receive such admiration from those around me for it. Hearing all this positive feedback makes me believe I have the potential to really make a difference. It makes me feel special.

That special feeling hit a part of my heart I never knew existed. I couldn't stop smiling with every compliment and every encouraging word.My heart melted because not only I am a sucker for sweet things, but something so personal to me was made beautiful to someone else. It also makes me feel like I have the power to use my words to channel change.  I can inspire you. I can challenge you. I can make you smile, if only you read what I lay in front of you. I am humbled by the thought.

 One friend, whom I hadn't talked to in at least two weeks, called me to tell me why he appreciated the things that I wrote. He said the honesty and vulnerability of my words leave him searching to deepen his connection to my piece. He wanted more.  Another friend said I was brave to expose myself to publicly for display.  Not only was I a talented writer, but I was able to express myself in a way that made others relate. Another said I was able to help her understand what had been bothering her for two weeks, simply in a paragraph.

I understand that I am a good writer, but the real question is why? Why can I affect those with such simple words? Why can I bring people to this simple site?  Perhaps, the reasons lie differently for each person. As I discover this knowledge, I revel in the truth.  My heart pumps with the purpose and power that was ordained mine.  I am a writer.  I am me. I am a difference.

I cannot ask for anything else.
Thank you reading.

Love, 
Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

the little things i love about you... |letter #40|

Dear Anieza,

Now that I finally expressed the things I was too afraid to tell you aloud, I feel a relief of the negativity I held and am eager to think of all that I really love about you.  In order words, for everything we have been through, here's twenty little things that are cute about you: 

1. Your infamous duck-face. I know you still have those MySpace pictures saved. 
2. Your hyena laugh (or is that used to describe mine?). Regardless, its obnoxious, but totally you. 
3. The silly way you think aloud, mixing up related thoughts with ones completely random. 
4. Your optimism. You can make a beggar be content with his condition. 
5. The fact that you aren't afraid to laugh at awkward things in the movie theaters. 
6. How much you passionately hate any boy who breaks my heart. 
7. Your inspired style. You know exactly how to work your curves.
8. Your dedication to your commitments. Zumba should brag of your perfect attendance. 
9. The fact that you make every ridiculous thought I have feel like its special. 
10. Your smile. Any boy would be lucky to have just that. 
11. The fact that you are ALWAYS trying to get live and you rock my Spelman hand.
12. Your brain. You're a Florida Gator, graduated with honors, what more can I say. 
13. You created an campus organization to help young females raise their standards.  Boss. 
14. The fact that we are obsessed with the same type of music. Track 16. 
15. You make me feel safe. I know I can always trust you with anything. 
16. Your compassion. You truly care about the people around you. 
17. The way you always inspire those to do the right thing.
18. Your natural hair. Whatever you do, its always beautiful.
19. The fact that there is no one as weird, loving, glorious, positive, and special as you. 
20. You are my best friend.  You hold the key to my personal place.  Enough said.

I love you.

 Can't wait for the rest of our lives as sisters, cousins, and best friends. 

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

just awkward... |letter #39|

Dear Those Who Might Care,

You ever been in those awkward situations and look at it like, dang, why did I even do this to myself? These often include talking to two friends at a time, knowing something that your best friend doesn't know but finding out through someone else, finding information you have no business even being involved hearing, having too choose sides in the middle of your parents' argument, accidentally sending a very private text to the wrong person and other sticky situations that we all hope not to be caught up with. Well, I'm most likely in the most awkward and sticky predicament at this current moment of my life, and it's pissing me off.  Why?

• Cause it wasn't my fault.  Okay, don't think I'm putting the blame on someone else. It's just how it happened. I couldn't help that these options came into the picture at the same time and everything just got along. 

• Because I wanted the situation to stay the same just as it sorted out. I didn't want to give up either option because I wanted them both.

• I had both options, and now both will disappear in a matter of time. So the situation that I allowed to create will soon dissipate, and I have no say. 

• Finally, both options conflict to the point that I can't even have either or, cause that would just be... wrong. 

I'm upset because I don't get what I want and this shouldn't have happened anyway.  It's so easy to blame other things, but I can't succumb to play dumb to save my own self.  I need to admit when I've been wrong. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

am i cheating... |letter #38|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I don't know how to tell you this, but I think I like someone and I'm not sure if it's you yet.  Don't freak out. I think I should just wait and see because last time I thought I found you, I was nowhere close to finding my Mr. Right.  But this one, he's something else. We ladies are quick to think a man is different from the last.  I say, a person will always show you his/her true colors from the beginning, forget the set up later.   So from the beginning... It was something nice.

He's handsome, almost too attractive. I often have to silence some inappropriate thoughts when I'm around him (just saying). He's passionate about what he's into, which is sweet.  He really cares about others on top of his work.  When I think of him, I think of a man. He steps up to the plate, is direct, and plays little games. Makes me feel like I need to be a little more grown to keep up. 

And because of that, I feel like a little girl around him.  He makes me so nervous I can't stand it.  Sometimes, I get too panicky to even contact him.  Then, he thinks he can invade my mind, like I gave him permission for all that. But honestly, I liked his approach. I didn't even know he was interested. We were such good friends for so long. I even hesitated to mess that up.  I know he cares about me and I learned to do the same. I believe that that's how it should be.  My significant other (you) should be my best friend first, lover second.  So it makes me think, what is it about this guy that gets me jitters?  Either he something special or its all in my head. We'll see. 

At the end of the day, whether it happens with him (or you?) or not, it'll be an experience I can one day just smile at.  So, don't take it too seriously, unless it you. Then you should start making some serious moves, cause I'm definitely into you. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

my lips are sealed... |letter #37|

Dear My Future Husband, 

Get me tell you my secrets, which are the thoughts I would never say out loud.  A friend just asked me if I censored myself when I write. In a way, I do because I don't want everything in my mind to be too exposed.  Yet, lately I've been feeling some type of extra restriction.  I feel as if no one really wants to know what's bouncing around in my head or else they would have sought it out.  At the same time, I think somewhere along the way I picked up the fear of rejection.  What if they don't like what I have to say? More so, what if I don't like what I have to say? I can be my worst critic. 

I'm so quiet, often times withdrawn.  It's hard for me to share what I'm thinking especially when its an unfinished thought.  Sometimes, I'm scared to simply show people what I really think and how I really feel.  As strong as I seem, I still don't like to be judged.  I don't like people thinking I'm something that I wouldn't want them to think of me, even if it's true. But as resistant as I am to express myself, I hurt when I can't.  I need to tell you why I didn't like the way you just looked at me crazy and why it hurts when you don't call me back.  I need to tell you how I love when you tickle me and when I appreciate you sharing your food with me.  I need to tell you my doubts and my worries, my hopes and certainties.     I struggle to talk to others, but if I can't talk to you, what are we really doing?

So make me feel like you want to know everything.  Make me feel safe to share my intermost desires and feelings.  I'm sensitive to negligence and repellent to artificiality.  Love me the most by encouraging me to open up.  I want to tell you more than everything I can.

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

but can i get a sign... |letter #36|

Dear Me, 

I need to get my life together.  Ok, I'm lying. I'm doing well right now, interning in the city in Atlanta, making future connections with prominent people, saving money instead of shopping, building relationships and maintaining old ones, so what's the problem, right?  Well, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with all these resources I'm acquiring.  In other words, what the heck will I be doing for the rest of my life? 

Ok... You can tell I obviously have a problem with trust.  Trust in God, trust in myself, and trust in my purpose.  I'm that girl who needs to know what's happening tomorrow to be okay with today.  It is so hard to blindly go with the flow and hope for the best.  Granted, I have a potential plan but I can't help but feel there's got to be more than what I laid out for my life.  On top of that, I fear of not making enough money.

As much as I try not to let money determine my future career decision, my family has planted the seeds the bloom concern. "Are you sure you want to be a psychologist? Psychiatrists make more money, you know." Bottom line, they don't want me to struggle. Well, I don't want to either. That's another topic. 

I've been praying and learning how to not worry about the future.  I know God is going to take me where I need to go regardless of whether I struggle or not, but in terms of the ride there, I can't help but be a difficult child refusing to sit still. Ultimately, I know everything will work out.  All I ask if a little direction, something to ease my paranoid mind. Until then, I'm still fidgeting. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

things i should have said... |letter #35|

Dear You,

When I think about you, an internal conflict begins to rage because although I miss how things used to be between us, I can't help but uplift the beautiful person you have become today.  A smile hints when I reminisce on awkward things that brought us joy.  Who else found laughter in pregnant ladies dancing, Haitian aunts babbling at family parties, nosebleeds in the bathroom, and corny jokes often involving running escargots.  The latter is something I would rather not explain.  Essentially, no one could make me laugh as you did, and feel better about life.  You knew me and I knew you. 

I was thirteen when I decided that you were more than just my cousin.  You had graced your way into my life and became my best friend and no one could ever take your rightful place. In our secret hideaways, we shared our dreams, and through the distance, everything else. You never did live near me and naturally we adapted to the lack of physical time spent together.  It made road trips even more exciting. We did not keep it from sharing almost every thought with each other.  Even the mundane decisions needed your screening. Together, we went through the headaches of love and boys, dramas with girlfriends, stress of school, unfortunates of family, and much self-discovery. We secured a bond that was unbreakable, but when feelings started changing, so did we. 

We stopped expressing ourselves to one another, often times because we were scared to be judged.  We lost patience as well as things to talk about.  We let negative thoughts linger more than we should. We stopped leaning on each other's shoulders. Most importantly, we stopped making each other laugh at life.  I miss the long hours talking about why boys were stupid and the times you made me smile when something else made me sad.  Your positivity could lift a nation, nonetheless me.  Your spirit was one that complemented mine, so when I received less of it in the same tenacity, I know something had been altered. 

Honestly, we are at an okay place now. We talk every couples of days of things of semi-importance, but I often fear that your new path in life will be one that drifts from mine. You've developed into a strong, self-confident, and passionate person who I believe will save marriages, as you aspire to do. We both are doing well but this is not my true concern. You also have a heart that follows the Lord, another commonality between us, but I know you have far surpassed me when it comes to Him.  You are afraid of losing my friendship to someone else as I fear losing our friendship in being unequally yoked spiritually.  I'm afraid to be honest with you because some of the things I do you would not support.  So instead of talking, I choose to listen even though you express little say.  Your silence can be stifling on the other end when I do share my life. Sometimes I don't know how to accept it, so I choose to run away.

You've told me I could always be honest with you, but in the back of my mind I didn't believe it. I just don't want what I say to be the reason nothing is said at all. Although this is a rough patch in our friendship, I want you to know and believe no one will ever take your place. 

Love, 
Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It