a lovely dark... |letter #88|

Dear Me, 

When I see the Biblical words of Song of Solomon "dark and lovely," I question whether it really applies to me.  I am dark, but does that make me as lovely as others appear to me?  My problem is that I compare my scent to others and I allow their actions towards me to dictate my status.  When I say that I am dark I am not speaking of my skin color but of my heart's truest conditions.  I was darkened by sin but made clean through His blood.  When I speak of my darkness now it sheds light to the intimacy of my soul, uncovered and unfiltered, raw and real. 

I have intimacy problems very specific to me.  My intimacy does not always resemble another's.  I am the most intimate when I reveal to you what I truly think.  I am the most intimate when I tell you my deepest insecurities still running rampant in my heart.  I am the most intimate when I share the most pressing, uncomfortable matters of my heart.  My intimacy is not easy for me to bear.  It's scary to feel and frightening to give.  My intimacy should not be taken for granted.  Do not take it for granted.  I beg of you.

I am not one to tell you everything that is deeply wrong with me because I value the image I uphold.  I truly want to be a role model for others in my life.  In my opinion, sharing grotesque facts about myself tarnishes a pretty picture.  I learned how to be vulnerable but not intimate, transparent but not always truthful.  I've learned to hide some things about myself out of fear of what they what think of me later.  I am afraid they will love me less. 

So when I share something personal, I want them to cherish it.  I want them to catch me when I leap.  I want a safe landing after a risky flight.  This time it didn't happen.  I was left on shaky ground when I shared something pressing.  The pouring of my heart had been bypassed.  It had been labelled dirt. 

This is why I don't think my dark is lovely.  I believe the more I reveal about my innermost self, the uglier I appear.  People can't handle what resides in me.  Many loved ones are confused by what it all means.  I'm hurt and I'm numb from rejection.  I wonder how my future husband will feel.  Yet, I am very aware that this is only the first step.  There is much more healing than hurt to encounter.  Clearly.

God is leading me into a path where I no longer fear my own intimacy despite whether it is rejected or not.  He is teaching me that although I believe I am ugly, He calls me lovely.  It is not for others to dictate my inner beauty but for Him to call His creation their righteous name.  I may not feel splendid on the inside but that does not take away from its truth.  I may feel dismissed by some but I am still fully accepted by my Great King.

So I embark on this journey to become intimate and I bring along His truth.  I will surely need His reminders when things get tough and dirty.  So if you still think you're ugly, it's okay.  Your thoughts will surely be renewed.  

Love,

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It Pictures

just right... (from spelmanites to you) |letter #87|

Dear You,

I need to get this off my chest.  I need to confide it, yet I somehow want to say this out loud.  I know I am being dramatic but if you could follow the train of my emotions maybe you would act similar.  I just feel so accountable to everyone and no one at the same time.  I'm frazzled. 

I'm frazzled because I am now a published author who's afraid to go out into the real world with my art.  I'm frazzled because I'm not ready to be a big girl now. I'm frazzled because I am embarrassed at some of my escaping imperfections.  The book isn't perfect.  As hard as I tried, I forgot some things, missed some things, and disorganized some things.  It's almost shameful if I let myself think about it so hard.  Now, these mistakes are not numerous but as the designer of this piece they look huge in my eyes.

The moment I saw the books plain view, I leaped for joy.  I couldn't believe it had happened.  It seemed but a dream when I was trying to get people to pay attention to it.  I'm humbled by its sight.  But my lighthearted joy was cast down by the anxiety from the mistakes I made in the book.  I couldn't believe I had missed those little, silly things.  As I sit here and seethe in agony, God steps in and shines a light into my path through my spirit, my friends, and my revelations. 

One thing that He's been teaching me is just how imperfect I am.  I am incredibly flawed.  I'm messed up.  I have issues.  I'm a baby at times and I can't seem to make simple decisions.  Yet, He chose ME!  He picked me to be His.  He called my name.  He whispered my way.  I am far from perfect and yet He sought me.  If I am not so, why do I pressure myself to make everything just that?  God showed me the beauty in our imperfections.  Our weaknesses is where He can step in and minister. He can step in and overshadow our faults so that no man can boast.  He wants to.  He desires it.  God wants us to need Him.

So the end of my anxiety attack over a "flawed" book which is not too messy at all, God taught me it didn't even matter because it would not take away from the message He sought to deliver to my readers.  He also taught me to be thankful and proud at what HE empowered me to do.  He helped me through this. God is USED to people not making the mark yet He USES them anyway.  God sends us to do His will knowing we are to rely on HIS perfection, not ours.  And that is what I hope I did.  I hope I relied in His strength and wrote in His grace.  Furthermore, I know He is taking the unfinished work of mine and adding His own finishing pieces to bring HIM glory, not me.  I am evermore grateful to His love and majesty.  There is none like Him. 

So enjoy the book and get ready to receive something. God has His hands all over it.

From Spelmanites to You 

Love, 
Stephanie 

love in little ways... |letter #86|

Dear Daddy,

I want you to pay attention to me.  I am not talking about answering when I call, keeping me from making the wrong turn, or telling me you love me every once in a while.  I am talking about wanting to feel the affection and adoration you have for me every waking moment.  I want to feel that now.  I'm a thirst trap wanting to be set off by your brilliant and satisfying love. 

Of course, I know you've been taking care of me along the way.  You gave me free meals, success on my assignments, and peace in the midst of adversity.  Yet, Daddy I want more.  I want to feel your gaze on my heart and the embrace of your warmth.  I really just want you to stop showing up in everyone else so I can keep you all for myself.  I am jealous for you.  Is this how you really feel about me too?

It's amusing how in the very moments that God shows the mastery of His working Hand in my life I am insatiably desiring more of Him.  Lord, I know you just paid my bill.  Lord, I see that you helped my pass my test.  Father, I appreciate that you gave me the words to say in that difficult circumstance.  I see how much He has provided, guided, corrected, and enriched my path.  Yet, I want more of Him and from Him.  I want things I haven't yet seen before and I don't want to be afraid to ask for it. 

I asked my Daddy tonight and not to my surprise, He answered me with a simple conclusion I could not have reached on my own.  Daddy said, "I express my deep love for you through the people in your life." It hit me then.  It all made sense.  I receive a bountiful amount of love from the people in my life because God knew it would be the best way I would feel His love, even the moments I would think to question it.  Daddy knows I need to be appreciated, encouraged, and affirmed through the words of others.  He knew that giving people the heart to love me would be one of His sweets declarations of His love for me. 

I see now that I have so much more from God than I bargained for:

• I felt His love when 217 people (most of them people I knew) donated to my book's fundraiser because they believed in me. 
• I felt His love when 19 of my friends and family traveled across the country to see me perform in a pageant that had no guarantee I would even win. 
• I felt His love when at least 10 people volunteered to attend my next pageant and hour away simply because they wanted to support me. 
• I felt His love when at least 5 random acquaintances texted me just to tell me how phenomenal, inspirational, and beautiful I was to them.
• I felt His love when 2 prestigious pageant women personally volunteered to couch me in my next pageant, free of charge.
• And I felt His love when He, the 1 true God manifested His way through the words and affections of even more people in my daily interactions.  I could go on forever of all the love I've received this month alone...

Daddy, I am left no choice but to feel admired, loved, adored, and appreciated.  You delivered yourself even before I could ask.  Your great kindness leads me to humble thanksgiving and gratitude.  

Thank you Daddy. You are so good. 

You love me in my own way.

Love, 

Stephanie

feeling some type of way... |letter #85|

Dear My Future Husband, 

I felt some type of way just now.  Oh yes, I wasn't feeling real nice but I see how much I needed to see that picture of that boy who was sweet talking my ear the night before boo'ed up with some other girl. I needed to see it because it was a wake up call.  It was a very nice check back to my reality orchestrated beautifully by the Lord.  

"Wake up, Stephanie!  Your 'friend' was selling you dreams.  Wake up, Stephanie!  Stop falling for the make believe!  Wake up, your authentic man designed just for you is own his way!  Just wait on it.  I promise he's coming." 

I needed to unblind my eyes to the fleshy trap I was falling for.  I needed to realize the entertainment of tall tales could cost me my sanity and heart.  I am saving myself for you.  There is no other.  I was not meant to frolic about among the player's wave but be preserved within the sanctuary of my Daddy's presence.  What was I thinking to even allow myself to receive the banter and emotionally ridden thoughts we exchanged?  I must have forgotten how incredibly compatible you will be for me.  I must have forgotten only yours would be the words I would crave.  I must have forgotten you are worth the wait.

Future husband, I now vow to you my heart, my attention, my love, and my dedication.  I don't need to meet you to actually aim to save my prized and precious goodies for you.  I don't need to spend romantic time with those who were meant to be merely distractions.  Simply because my Father tells me so, I await the day you will expertly slip in between me and my Daddy's dance.  Only you have the two-step to make a lasting impression.  Simply because my Father tells me so, I await the day I can serve you as a wife.  I promise I won't serve these passing men any longer; my heart was meant for yours alone.  

So come, beloved.  I wait for you.  Come. 

Love, Stephanie