say yes... |letter #78|

Dear Heartbreak, 

You know that moment. That moment when you are sprung on a guy and things go wrong. That moment when there's no one like him and you feel these emotions you can't describe that you haven't felt with anyone else before him. That moment when you miss him and he's not talking to you, loving you, missing you and when you want him to hold you and him tell you he'll never leave your side. 

So, you know that moment when you're upset so you decide to go out with your girls and get drunk to mend away the thought of him. When shot after shot become a blur and the escape of him only brings you back in thoughts. You want to call him but your girls say no. You want to tell him how much he hurt you but you can't find the words to say. It eats you up inside as you dance and flirt and laugh and slur. That moment when you sneak off the dance floor and find a quiet space. Your head is spinning and the numbers in front of you on your phone are unclear. What is clear are your feelings and the way you miss him tonight, and every night before this one. You dial his number. He doesn't pick up. You call again and still nothing. It's almost two in the morning so he must be asleep you reason... Or he must be with another female, of course. You still aren't good enough.

You call one more time and get so fed up he missed the call again. That moment when somehow someway you end up in front of his door because the amount of alcohol and music beats couldn't satisfy the groaning aches of your broken heart. That moment when you pound at the door and beg his name to avoid sleeping alone tonight. That moment when he opens up awake from his slumber. When he's saddened by your drunkenness but decides to treat your sickness. That moment when he cleans up your mess and puts you in his warm clothes that smell just like him. He tucks you into his blankets and cuddles you to his side. He tells you it's all going to be okay while he kisses your forehead. He tells you you're beautiful anyway and nothing you can do that can keep his love away. That moment when all of your fears disappear and everything feels right again. You are fulfilled back in his embrace where you belong. The beautiful time when you go to sleep peacefully in the arms you love and the one who loves you like no other. 

See, this is what  we all really want deep down in our gut. We want to run to the one we love even in the mess that we made for ourselves. We want to know that no matter what happens, no matter what fight, disagreement, and mistake, his arms will always welcome us back to the place we most feel safe. Yet to this day, we've been chasing the wrong arms. We've been chasing the men of that time instead of the God of all time. The God who has always been there and never left. The God who will comfort us when we are sad and clean us when we get dirty. The God who will give all that we were searching that our men couldn't give. The same way we long for our significant other, God longs for you. He is the greatest lover of all time. His love for you cannot be measured. The same feelings we get from these special men are incomparable to the feelings God gives us from His love. 

So that awkward moment when I ask, do you really know how much He loves you? Can you say you ever gave Him a chance to show you? Will you accept His love call today or will you go back to the limited man of yesterday? It's your call to answer. Hopefully you pick the one most worthwhile. 

That very awkward moment when you know what you should really do at this very instant moment.

Love,

Stephanie

deep dark secret... |letter #76|

Dear Eyes,

I don't know where to start. I could choose to hide this from you, but I made a decision to become transparent before God and those who watch my life. I don't want deep dark secrets anymore. I want to be mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically free. The question is why and the reasons are these: You can only see what I show you. You can only conclude on what you see. You can only learn from what you gather.  But the secrets never make it to the surface. They never make it to the front page. You'll never know how God truly changed me. Secrets hold power. Tonight, I'm giving mine's away. 

 I'm not afraid to share my secrets because I have already been forgiven, cleansed, and redeemed from them. What I am afraid of is forgetting the mercy God has granted me because it's locked away with the key deserted. I teaches me that it never existed. So although I am changed, I forget where God has found me. My secret has been locked away holding presence in my life for way too long. It's time to let it go and have no part of me in the shadows.

When I was a little girl, I struggled with sexual sin. I was introduced to it through the "don't touch" novels left haphazardly around the house. The words I read created images in my head that I never knew existed. I learned of an adult world that God only reserved for a wife and husband on their wedding night. I began to wonder. Eventually, that wonder turned into action as I attempted to experience the pages of my books on my own. I wanted to know the excitement I read about.

 It was weird at first and I remember feeling horrible about it. I grew up as Catholic school girl and I imagined the priest and my nuns would be harsh towards my behavior. But instead of leaving it alone, I continued and taught a few others close the same and even worse than I had done. I had spread my impurities onto another selfishly. It didn't happen often, but the fact that is happened shamed me. I didn't want anyone to know what I did. I began to feel like two different people trapped in one body, one by day and one by night.

When I accepted Jesus Christ into my life for the first time in the 6th grade, my heart changed. My actions still remained, but this time I felt God's Holiness leading me to stop. I didn't yet know that my old self had died and I had welcomed a new body in Christ. It took years to finally stop, because to be honest, it was my biggest weakness. As much as I was a hopeless romantic, I had learned early on to associate fornication with true love. I didn't know the difference until God took me through my healing process. He had to show me what true love for myself and a man was about.

To some, this may not be a big deal because frankly, many people do it. It advertised as providing positive benefits and being a mundane part of sexual life. But in actuality, masturbation is a sin because the very act of sexual acts outside of marriage is impurity. I justified it for years telling myself that the Bible didn't actually "prove" it and that many doctors, websites, and even friends did it. As temporarily pleasing it is, it's repercussions are more severe. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and the secret of it all. Don't forget, the impossible weight of the sin before God before forgiveness. This secret holds no place with me no longer.

I would have never written this on my own. Had I not felt God leading me to do something this scary I would have written it off altogether. But I told God I would be a "yes" woman. I would look for the opportunities to give Him glory. This is one of them.

Yesterday, I was dirty, today, I am clean. Only by the blood of Jesus. And now, there is nothing left to hide. I am free.

Love, 
Stephanie

things just got personal... |letter #75|

Dear My Future Husband,

Today marks a very special day. No, I didn't meet you yet, of course. I discovered something better. God's voice. Today was the first time that God actually answered me immediately after I prayed for something. It happened so quick that I doubted it. I needed to confirm that I had really heard Him and not my own thoughts.

But to be honest, outside of confirmation, I knew deep down it was His. When He spoke, it almost sounded like me, but it wasn't. I could tell something was different about it when the moment I heard it I felt elevated, as if I was on some supernatural plane. He only said one word, which was the answer I was looking for, but it echoed within my spirit. It reverberated ripples of quiet repetitions of His spoken word. 

I felt confident. I felt at peace. I felt shocked. I felt still. I had finally heard His voice and it had only taken but a moment.

The thing is, God is always talking to me. I just don't pay attention or sensitive myself to His voice. But I've been practicing. I've been spending so much time with Him. I've been praying for this exact moment when I could finally hear Him whisper into my ears instead of catching His words from the ears of another. 

My relationship with Him has just become more... intimate.

It's been a long time coming but I knew it would happen. I asked, I believed, and today, I received. Praise my Holy and High Friend. 

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 NIV.

Love, 

Stephanie

on brokenness... |letter #74|

Dear I AM,

I don't know if I even asked for you full forgiveness for my willingness in succumbing to that spiritual attack. My heart is saddened. I told myself I was lazy and dumb. I said that I didn't get things done. I had this whole "Christian" thing wrong because as I'm waiting for God to guide me, nothing was happening and it was obviously my fault. I even blamed myself for a missed student discounted subway card deadline though I had no idea it was an option. 

I believed that I didn't know what to do at any moment. It was my fault that I believed I couldn't hear Him directly like others claimed. Clearly, God was perfect so the problems that soon became mountains at the moment were the cause of my inability to take control. I needed to take back control of my life. I needed back my full control because I was the one who had my life in chaos.

This morning I woke up and felt like what we had was severed. The devil had done his duty on me. He stole my faith, killed my trust, and destroyed my spirit. Now, I feel so disconnected to You. I feel numb. I am astounded. I really believed that about myself about situations God promised He would take care of already. 

But then You put me in remembrance of Your unfailing love and forgiveness. I remembered how I felt Your strong presence the moment I thought my first negative lie. I remembered how you comforted me and told me the truth. I thought about how you fought for me in the end of the attack. You reminded me that I had too many great things happening in my life to cry over something outside my control in the first place. You filled me with healing. I reached my breaking point. I was done with the enemy's persistent attack on my soul.   

You never left my side and You confirmed it in Your word: 

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; 

may I never forget the good things he does for me. 

He forgives all my sins 

and heals all my diseases. 

He redeems me from death

and crowns me with love and tender mercies.

He fills my life with good things...

The Lord is compassionate and merciful,

slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

He will not constantly accuse us,

nor remain angry forever.

He does not punish us for all our sins;

he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.

For his unfailing love toward those who fear him

is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

He has removed our sins as far from us

as the east is from the west.

The Lord is like a father to his children,

tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

 For he knows how weak we are;

he remembers we are only dust."

Excepts from Psalms 103

I have no reason to be down.  You are actually grieved when I am. All if forgiven, all is washed away. I am still made brand new. 

Love,

Stephanie