a big of something happy... |letter #48|

Dear Me,

I can finally say I have finally reached the level of stability I sought in my spiritual relationship with the Lord and for this, I have the uttermost joy. When I realize how much power the Lord actually has over the outcome of my life, as I essentially realized today, I could not help but lift in spirits KNOWING that my ways will be part of His will. 

Maybe this sounds jumbled to those who are reading. Well, basically, I have been searching for God for a while, I would classify myseld as a lost Christian, whom I simply believe is a person who aims to follow Christ, imperfect and all.  I was so strayed from the path I was to be on and it even confused me on who I was a person.  It's difficult to be truly happy when inside you feel so not together. I mean, no, I didn't have this radical moment in life where I dropped to my knees in a earnest plea to the heavens to spare my life (although I don't object to that).  I simply sought him through His word and prayer, and He met me.

To be even more plain, I was reading the Bible of my smartphone, so no need to get fancy with the big ol' Book if you don't have one.  I was literally reading Genesis 1, the beginning, when God made everything as we know it today. The sky, the heavens, the sun, light, the seas, the lands we live on, and I thought, I mean I know this. But it was different this time when I read something that I already knew. I realized then, how absolutely ridiculous it was to resist FULLY trust in God with my own life when he created all the world.  I had some serious trust issues when it came to God. I didn't think He is really going to take me when I need to go. I could trust an airplane to deliver me safely but I could not trust the Creator of the Universe to control the outcomes of my life.

Until today... 

I mean God works like that sometimes. But, you just need to want to be helped in return. I know some of you don't believe in God, and that's great, but at the end of the day, you don't need to believe in Him to experience Him. That's clear. Regardless, I hope that you found your happiness just as I found mine because this is a joy that can and will not be stripped away by mere man. 

Love, 

Stephanie

Courtesy of We Heart It

to the one who ran away... |letter #47|

Dear the One Who Ran Away, 

This will probably be one of the realest messages I will ever post because as of right now, I don't want to continue to carry seven months worth of baggage between us. It's taking me so long to write this because I'm trying to understand each sensation that ripples through me. I feel sad, upset, disappointed, angry, guilty, resentful, hurt, and more intensely, pain.  It's no longer right between us because we never even talked about where things went wrong. We just act like everything is okay, but every time I am around you I am reminded of the things I was too afraid to say and the feelings I tried to cover.  Why are we acting like everything is how its supposed to be? Why are we acting like this doesn't hurt?

You came into my life because I chose you. I wanted you to have a place. I shared my life with you and we pushed each other towards our dreams. I always believed in you, and I trusted you did the same for me. We went through crap, dealing with boys, messing with grades, trying to make the cut, and finding out who were were as women. We went through that crap together.  I haven't known you for half my life, but the year and a half I did we grew to become sisters. But now we can't even communicate like friends. 

I don't know why you feel this way towards me, and I don't know why I feel this way towards you. I feel sad because I care about this relationship. I feel upset because I lost a connection and fluidity of trust. I feel disappointed because we were supposed to talk this out like regular friends. I feel angry because I felt like you never appreciated me in your life. I feel resentful because I gave so much and felt like it all went to waste. I feel hurt because you never gave me time to express how I felt and I feel pain because this hurts so much I can't even stand to continue writing.

I'm sick of this. I'm tired of pretending and hiding the truth. We think things in our mind but we don't say it. We grow apart and allow it. We make mistakes and don't own up to it. We play the game but don't finish it. Well, I'm done but if I have to fight for you, I will. I don't know how your other friendships went and I don't know if you realize how you push people away, but if I have to put up with this for a possible happy ending, that's what I will do. Why? I don't want to see you fall. I don't want to see you unhappy. I don't want to see you struggle with hurt and forgiveness. I don't want to see you regret and I'm not the type to give up on someone that I truly love, despite it all.

Maybe I'm wrong about you. Maybe you're happier without this in your life. Maybe my perception is flawed, but at this point, I don't know and little do I care.  I would rather try to reach out to you in my distortion than sit in my ignorance. I refuse to simply let this go. 

Take it or leave it because I am not going to change. 

Love, 

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

worth the wait... |letter #46|

Dear Single Black Women, 

"Ladies, if you have to ask a man:

'So what are we?' or "Where is this relationship going?'

The answer is NOWHERE. Men BY NATURE are hunters and go for what they want.  If he WANTED you to be his wife, he would have PROPOSED.  If he wanted you to be his LADY, he would have asked you! Men go hard for what they truly want. If he's not going hard for you, YOU'RE NOT WHAT HE WANTS!

You are VALUABLE. Focus on GOD and save your time & energy for a man of God that can't wait to put a ring on your finger and proudly claim you!

With love... God Bless"

-Anonymous 

This was probably the most genuine quote I have come across in a very long while.  Not only does it address the issues single black women face with men and relationships, but it emphasizes the importance of us knowing our self-worth.  Bottom line.

Last summer, I was completely guilty of asking a guy where we were going, settling to go NOWHERE, acting like I didn't care while still giving in to it all. I ended up heartbroken and motivated to never let another guy in my heart EVER AGAIN. I was convinced that there would be no one else out there for me and nothing would ever happen for me.  I decided to close off emotionally and make each man who came pay for the actions of my last. It took a good best friend along with a couple of tears to get me back to my right mind.  But before that, I experienced how hurtful it was to be used and abused, played and dismayed by a man I thought I could love.  But is it really right for me to blame it all on him? Did I not have my own fault in the way I allowed myself to get treated and where I allowed things to go? I would be a fool to deny it. 

How often do you sit around waiting on the actions of one man in hope of maybe, possibly getting that relationship that you really wanted, only to be disappointed with nothing but a broken expectation and bitter heart.  Before you even allow yourself to go through your WOULDA COULDA SHOULDA's and what if's of the situation, stop and remember...

You are the prize, not him! 

You say you believe that, but you know your actions don't always show it.  At the end of the day, we single black women think we should make things easier for him or give in a little bit more of what he wants. We need to realize that there IS someone out there who is especially designed for us.. 

To grow us, develop us, teach us, embrace us, 

& be WITH us. 

If we wait for it and treat ourselves like we are WORTH the time put in, we will get the love and relationship we so desire. 

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

too enslaved to be free... |letter #45|

Dear Those Who Want Financial Freedom, 

This weekend was all girls' weekend, meaning yes, there was shopping, dancing, partying,  maybe even a little drinking and acting a silly fool involved.  But especially SHOPPING.  I took my best girl friends over to a huge mall about 20 minutes out of town simply because his mall had every single store in the world that we were looking for and mind you, we were all looking for different things.  We walked in and I could not help but marvel at the vast array of shoes, jewelry, outfits, and accessories I could chose from. I immediately thought of all the pieces that could compliment my own back home and I could not help but get excited and hope. But of course, I stopped myself from even going there....  I just knew I could not afford anything that I wanted.  Not one single thing. 

I constantly worry about money especially since I have to pay rent. I never know when my next will cover and how much extra I will have each month.  I literally count each penny when it comes to my finances.  It's not being smart, its being ENSLAVED.  It drove me crazy that I couldn't buy more than half of the things I wanted over in Forever 21 and H&M, my 2 favorite stores because of the lack of money. And when I did buy a $20 dress.... I hated my self for it. I told myself I shouldn't have because I would need that $20 bucks for something else of semi-more importance.

That's when I thought of Empower Network and why I joined in the first place. Here was my open opportunity to gain that freedom I so desired for so long and I had been neglecting my way out.  Empower Network is my way out of the bondages of being a BROKE COLLEGE BLACK GIRL and into becoming that financially secure women I know I can become in only a matter of time. 

So why was I sitting of my butt still counting my pennies? Because to be honest, we don't appreciate a good thing when we see it.  It's only when its taken away from out lives that we realize how much worth, power, and future our good thing had.  Empower Network is my good thing before I became WUSSY.  I started getting lazy and wishing things would just happen for me just like that (where they do that at?!).  But guess what, life doesn't work that way because everything in life that is well worth fighting for is work.  But guess what, this is the best type of work, why?  

1. You don't have to be experienced to work this job. 

2. You don't need to rich to start. 

3. You don't need to be jobless to work. 

So... what are you waiting for? Well wussy no more, this girl is on the move and I suggest you do the same unless you never want to shop a day in your life again... I want to be able to buy the whole mall, wouldn't you?  First goal, shopping.

Love,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

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