Dear Spirit of Perfectionism,
I just want to be perfect, just as you tell me I should be. I never feel like I'm good enough. I think there is something wrong with my personality. Do people even like me? Why am I me?
I'm worried because I never feel like I am where I should be. I hold your expectations in my head like a marker, measuring how close, or rather, how far I still am. Like the markers on a wall, I climb higher, but I only feel shorter. I am still not where I need to be.
I fail to remember whose markers I should be following- Jesus'. Instead, I study yours, moving at your every whim, making sure I'm in good light. I can't keep up. It's draining. I try with all my might. I still don't think I can really do this.
What am I even doing in the first place? Excuse me, second place... because I still don't think I deserve to win. "Crowned in Victory" is the meaning of name, but what I really wear is a veil of defeat. I don't think I have what it takes because I couldn't even meet the goals from last week. Last year didn't hit the mark either. My mind is oppressive. I just want to be okay. But I'm not okay. I can't be okay when I'm not check-marked, when I don't meet that grade. I still need to pass this never-ending test. What's the name of this class again?
As much as I know you are toxic for me, I find it difficult to let you go. You've defined me for much of my adolescent career. What occupation would I learn to replace you? Even when I don't want to, I seek your standards in every relationship, opportunity, and passing moment. I need to connect with you to evaluate my sense of worth. Did I say the right thing at the right time? Did I look okay? My duty to perform relies on your measure of absolute perfection.
But enough is enough.
Because you push me to feel guilty, pressured, and unworthy at any given time. You are indeed destroying me and any sense of God-given worth. While others have tried to define and label you, I see you for who you really are. You are a con artist dressed up with the perception that "you mean for my best." What a lie! You are not really interested in "saving me" from being hurt by this world; you came to steal, kill, and destroy.
Thus, I refuse to make a home for you in my heart. I can no longer house your lies in the depths of my soul. I am here to put an end of your tactics. I am here to fire back with His Word because I can no longer serve two masters. I either believe in who God says I am or die trying to change your malicious opinion about me. I've come to understand that real girls aren't perfect and perfect girls aren't real. A perfect girl doesn't even exist. There only exists a perfect God and that's the only perfectionism I want in my midst.
I praise God that He has done numerous works in me and He has used multiple platforms to heal, teach, and help me. But today is the day that His work will no longer be in vain because I command you to flee and no longer torment me. I repent for my idolatry and how I've allowed you to distract me. And I release the power that Christ put within me to now walk in victory to be the person He called me to be and do only what He has assigned to me.
Because you push me to feel guilty, pressured, and unworthy at any given time. You are indeed destroying me and any sense of God-given worth. While others have tried to define and label you, I see you for who you really are. You are a con artist dressed up with the perception that "you mean for my best." What a lie! You are not really interested in "saving me" from being hurt by this world; you came to steal, kill, and destroy.
Thus, I refuse to make a home for you in my heart. I can no longer house your lies in the depths of my soul. I am here to put an end of your tactics. I am here to fire back with His Word because I can no longer serve two masters. I either believe in who God says I am or die trying to change your malicious opinion about me. I've come to understand that real girls aren't perfect and perfect girls aren't real. A perfect girl doesn't even exist. There only exists a perfect God and that's the only perfectionism I want in my midst.
I praise God that He has done numerous works in me and He has used multiple platforms to heal, teach, and help me. But today is the day that His work will no longer be in vain because I command you to flee and no longer torment me. I repent for my idolatry and how I've allowed you to distract me. And I release the power that Christ put within me to now walk in victory to be the person He called me to be and do only what He has assigned to me.
Therefore, spirit, you no longer have a place here.
Curtly,
Stephanie
Courtesy of We Heart It
