you must not know about me... |letter #84|

Dear My Future Husband, 

You must know about me.  You must have been able to match the cost of my value.  You must have recognized the high price I am worth and pulled out your all of your investments to be able to afford all that is me.  You are a blessed man indeed.  You were the special one God equipped to righteously earn my royal blood.  Does this make me cocky?  On the contrary, I am only Biblically confident.  I am beginning to fully assume my esteemed worth as Christian woman.  I am the daughter of a great King.  I need not settle for jesters or jokers who can't even afford half of what I cost.  But you could.  You are equally mine. 

 Does it make me any less lovable because those who came before you didn't want me for long?  Have I lost my value because I "wasn't enough" for them?  If I believed these lies, I question how far I would be or how behind I would be.  It's too easy to equate my worth with the actions of a man.  If he doesn't want to be with me, I must be missing something.  If he's still talking to other girls, I must not "badd" enough.  I am certainly not "it" if he cannot commit.  How foolish?  Who I was as a woman paralleled the limited perspectives of the men who viewed me.  My temporary "boos" determined whether or not I was "wifey material".  They alone decided if I made the cut.  I fell for all of it.  I believed it secretly.

And yet, I was almost caught in this sickening mindset once again.  Thinking negatively about an ex and convincing myself that I wasn't good enough will often lead me to these brash conclusions. Until God stepped in and reminded me WHOSE I was and WHO I was.  Simply because several men were too silly to keep me or smart enough to let me go does not mean I am deformed, inadequate, or bland.  My essence does not depend on the opinions of men but on the one opinion of Him who matters. 

Can I say I am perfect? Absolutely not. I know I had several insecurities when dating.  I am very well aware of the part I played in the downfall of my relationships.  My biggest mistake yet was gaining those insecurities by relying on the perceptions of men in order to define who I was. Sometimes, their actions towards me only reflected the low worth I was assuming for myself. How can I blame them? I was not perfect at all. Yet, I can say that my imperfections are now made righteous with Jesus Christ, my Savior.  He alone can complete me and He alone can say all that I am. 

Therefore, may I just remind you, man of God, how incredibly fortunate you are?  May I simply applaud your matching caliber?  You are my perfect match, not by your own doings but because of God's work in you.  You were the one who I was meant for all along.  You will be the one who will get ALL that I've been working with, with no restraints. I am a fine woman of God! The fruits of the Spirit surge passionately between my bones. I am not missing one good thing for Jesus Christ lives in me.  He shapes me to be all woman I can be. I am all that you have dreamt of.  I am what you never thought existed. What blessing it is for you to receive me? 

He has called you mine and I am now yours.  Finally, a man who was willing to meet God's standards and acquire me. You were very well worth the wait. 

Love,

Stephanie

love don't cost a thing... |letter #83|

Dear Unlovely, 

I don't even have much to say, except listen to what was just spoken into my spirit. 

November 7, 2013

Daughter, I love you.  It doesn't matter what you think, how you feel or what you look like.  I love you no matter what.  So regardless of what goes on in your head, come to me knowing that I love you.  Walk in the love that My Son died to break barriers of access to.  Walk in the love I freely give and the shower you in.  When you worship Me, know that I love you.  Don't try to win My heart back.  It's already yours.  Sometimes you feel me and other times you don't.  It doesn't break your faith.  I am always here but more importantly, you are covered with My blood and love.  You can't escape it so don't act like you have to earn something that is already yours.  I love you daughter and it's different than a feeling.  It's a choice. 

Stay with my daughter.  Don't be so quick to leave.  You've desired this moment for so long; you've felt like it been lacking.  Allow Me to just a moment shower you with My everlasting and abundant love.  You are like a lost puppy trying to find the right way when I am guiding you on your leash already.  But you're great than that.  I made you into My image.  You are more important to Me than anything in this world.  I cherish this relationship we have together because it special.  I look forward to talking to you when you wake up and communing with you until the end.  I love you. I love spending time with you.  I love being with you, wonderful daughter. 

When you mess up sometimes, I don't ever look at you in the wrong way.  I cover you with My grace to last a lifetime.  When you don't get things right, I cradle and nurse you back on My path.  I never look down at you.  I never tell you you aren't good enough.  I never beat you up for it.  I nurse you back to My ways in a loving, gentle and non-condemning matter.  If I am God and treat you like this when things are chaotic, won't you treat yourself the same?  Won't you also love yourself enough to model the love I show to you to yourself when things go wrong?  Won't you be gentle, forgiving and kind to yourself as I have been with you?  

It is not I who stands in the way of our path and exploration of the true identity.  It is you daughter.  Sometimes you hate yourself so much you become the reason why we never go anywhere.  Your self-criticize and self-harm become the reason why we stay in the same place.  You are constantly unsatisfied with the women I made you to be because you blame yourself for all that you didn't get right and all that you don't appear to be.  I don't even blame you for such things.  Do you know who I, Lord of the Universe, blame?  My son Jesus. He got all the penalty for every mistake you ever made, are making now and will ever make.  My Son Jesus got the price for your sins.  But do not be discouraged, everyone sinned and fell short, not just you.  Be in rejoice because My Son lives.  He is alive and healthy and withstood the weight of the world including yours.  

So where is the bad news here?  All of your shortcomings were taken away from you, My Son sits at My right hand healthy and alive, and how I look at you with love.  I don't even see your sin anyway.  I only see the beautiful creation I created who became new because of the blood of Christ.  Look at all that has happened because of Jesus and My love for you.  Look at how free you are from your self-blame.  So why do you think its okay to beat yourself up?  The price for your mistake was already paid way before you were even born!  Jesus died so you can live this life free! 

You are free daughter so remove those chains telling you that you should have never messed up and that you should have it altogether in your own strength.  Daughter, you can do nothing without Me!  I brought you where you stand.  I keep you standing today.  So daughter, love yourself.  We died so that you can be loved and treasured despite your flaws.  Baby, your flaws don't even exist in My eyes anymore.  I only see the perfection of Jesus Christ My Son. 

So if I'm happy, Jesus is happy and the good news has freed you, why are you so unhappy and live in self-defeating guilt and shame?  Why don't you love yourself as I love you?  One day you will get it, but for now, just come to me.  I'm waiting.  

Love,

Your Father

This was all I needed... 

Love,

Stephanie  

i rebuke you... |letter #82|

Dear Evil One,

How dare you? How dare you manipulate me with your sick lies and deadly whispers? I should never let you compromise what I have with God right now! Your path leads to death. My Savior's path leads to everlasting life. You disgust me because today, I finally realized how RELENTLESS you are at attacking EVERYTHING I gained in Christ. You will not stop until I am dead, defeated and a distant memory of this world. You will not let up on your attacks because you genuinely feel NO remorse for the evil you do. At the end of this message I will laugh at your silly attempts to ruin my life, but right now, I rebuke your very presence in the name of Jesus Christ my Lord. 

1. You will never again tell me I'm isolated and unimportant among the people around me. God SET me in this place to prosper, with plans of a bright hope and future. I am important and I have a rich community in Christ. 
2. You will never make me feel so worthless. Do I need to remind you that I am the precious daughter of the King Almighty and NOTHING will ever tarnish His great love for me? Back away from my royal walkway. 
3. You will never take away the peace, joy and purpose I gained in Christ. I will not allow you to make me depressed. I will not allow you to make me worry. I will not allow you to steal the dreams my Lord invested especially in me. I was MEANT to change this world so get out of my way! It ain't gonna look pretty for you, trust me. 

You are so sick with foolishness. I can't stand you. I am so angry that I LET you get to me but even that failure you will not hold over me. My God is greater, my God is stronger and my God is higher than any other. He is higher the the deceitful acts of you. Because of Jesus, I am free. Because of Him, I am forgiven and walking in His righteousness. You may have won this battle, but because of CHRIST, I won the war. You will never steal my victory from me no matter how hard you try.  You only break your neck trying so hard because you know you are defeated! Need I remind you what you're going look like at the end of time? Please.  

I have said what I needed to say but even this angry rant I will not carry on with any longer. You are not worth my precious time. Thus, I rebuke you devil! Be beneath my feet and don't ever come at me like that again. I will rebuke you one-hundred times more if I have to. I am not a FOOL to think you won't come back even stronger than the last. But from now on, I will laugh. Your silly arrows will bounce right off of God's protection on me and even if they pierce, my God will ultimately get the victory.

I hope you see that's EXACTLY what is happening now. You pierced me but God took the pain and is STILL getting the victory for it. You're foolish for thinking you can beat God and I am reminded of how adamant I must be at fighting back! 

Be gone, devil. You are no longer safe in this sacred place. 

I praise you Jesus. Thank you for showing me the truth. My heart belongs to you alone. 

Sincerely,

Stephanie 

i love God... |letter #81|

Dear Frustrations, 

Often times I think I need to have my emotions in check.  Why am I crying over something that I know action can be taken towards?  Why do I have such little faith?  I am ashamed.  I consider myself a baby. This week I've been going through much that I've been upset about; I'm not going to my first homecoming as a Spelman Alumna, I'm getting ready to take graduate midterms, and I feel frustrated about little insignificant yet means something to me things.  I didn't even want to go to God with all of my feelings because I believed He would look at me the same way I looked at myself.  He would tell me, "Stephanie, you know better." Well, I was wrong...

A letter from God Almighty:

Release your feelings to Me daughter.  Cry out your frustrations to Me.  Run to Me with what upsets you. Don't hide your anger from Me.  I know all about loss and "missing out" from relationships and moments spent with those you love.  I chase after an unfaithful bride everyday.  I know all about frustration and things going awry.  Look at what happened with My people.  They don't love Me and My children disobey Me. But you know what daughter, I am still God and I still carry on.  I ultimately know the final plan.  I designed it Myself. 

It hurts me when My people turn away from Me but day by day I keep pushing to advance the kingdom in desire to WIN all My people back before judgment day.  I know who will be going to Hell daughter, out of all the lovely people I created on this earth to carry My life and purposes.  I know who will die tomorrow, many of which will not be saved no matter how hard I try.  I can make all of them confess that I am Lord or I can let them choose with the God-given mind I gave them. 

I love them that much to allow them to have sovereignty in their lives knowing they should be bowing down to the one true King.  I allow people to run around like kings in a fallen world and carry on their daily lives as if I don't matter, as if I don't exist. People actually believe that I am not real daughter! Me, their creator and lover. They don't care for me at all no matter how hard I pursue them.

So yes daughter, I know what it is like to carry pain, frustration, anger, and hurt.  I experience it daily from the disobedience of My people.  I am such a good God, a good Father and Shepherd to My people.  All I want to do is love them with all I have and fulfill in them the purpose of their existence, which is to love me and experience My great love in return.  How can I let all that I took time to create just to go down to hell?  I don't want to.  I dread the day by it's a promise that this day is coming and the sentence for all who reject Me is death and eternal life spent in Hell. 

How I wish everyone will come to Me daughter. How I wish everyone will know the truth. How I wish I didn't carry this pain.  

I actually cry for you daughter.  I cry when you cry.  I assume your burdens so that you can be free.  I watch over you so that you can be safe.  I want the best for you.  I don't want you to be filled with doubt.  I want you to have all that you dreamed off, ones I placed in you in delight.  I love you daughter and I love all My people. 

So when you are upset, come to Me with what you carry and don't assume I won't understand or I'll be mad at you.  I know it's coming so bring it to Me so that you can find solace. 

-God

This was exactly what I needed to read and I figured you would like this too.

Love,

Stephanie

sting be gone... |letter #80|

Dear My Future Husband,

I'm sorry. I've done something bad and I'm paying the price for it now so that you won't have to deal with it later. I've been waiting for a while to get these feelings out. They've been permeating my inner core for some time now, but frankly, I've allowed them to boil for too long. It's taken residence within my soul. How I want freedom from this pain. I want redemption from these perverted expectations. I was never supposed to be with him. I was never supposed to experience this hurt. I was supposed to save myself for you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

I have been praying about this baggage for months now but the more I pray the stronger my awareness becomes of it. It's as if God is tearing me apart just to rebuild me later. He's preparing me for you. He's claiming my allegiance back to Him. I want God to do the rebuilding now. The ripping of my heart is too much to bear. I feel everything. I see the memories. I hear the moments. I don't want to deal with the consequence of giving my heart away. I wish I would have known it would be this excruciating for God to steal it back, just for Him, just for you.

Because the thing was, I really liked him, even when I knew I shouldn't.  For the first time, I felt like I really fit with someone and the only person he would ever accept was the one who was really me. I was used to pleasing men to get my way or acting like a pseudo female to allure them to me. I was so bad at getting into relationships that I believed I needed to change how I acted to finally get what I wanted. Well, it didn't work for him. Instead, it made him push away from me. I found that our spirits coincided in the times I showed him how soft-spoken I was and eccentric my habits really were. He accepted it. He embraced it. He made it just too easy. 

It was that much harder for me to give it all up. I didn't want to lose something when I was so close to having it, this special relationship I desired since I could walk. I didn't want to be forced to choose between him and God and him and you. I know you will be better, but then I knew him. I know you will be more, but then I liked him. I still like him. In my utter bluntness, I'm saying that God needs to make you a million-trillion-infinite times better for me to forget about him and focus on you. He just has too. Yet, what I love is knowing that God will do just that. God wants nothing better for me but the real deal. 

You are the real deal because you have been designed for me before I inhaled my first breath. You will be everything that I ever wanted and more. Not only I am confident, but my God has confirmed it to me in His words. I will be your perfect match. You will be forever mine. Our relationship has been one ordained by God. It was written in the Book. There is not turning back from what God has already manifested in the spiritual realms. 

But, I am not silly enough to think you will fulfill me and I am not lonely enough to settle for what is "good" and not "God." However, I am smart enough to know that the God who loves me will give me the desires of my heart. I am even smarter to know that my God is all that I will ever need. If I never got you, I will be more than okay. I only stand firm on these beliefs because God doesn't lie. My feet rest on the steady ground of His promises over my life and yours. I also know that I will never be ready to receive you until I am fully satisfied in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't even want you until I am complete in my Jesus. 

This is the part when it starts to make sense. The very introduction of His name brings both clarity and peace.  You see, Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. He carried the burden of my heartbreak so that I can receive everlasting healing. He suffered so that I can be free. He hurt so that I can find joy. Simply experiencing the rough pain of my separation from a man who was not my betroth is not even a taste of the agony Jesus felt just for my sins. He felt the sting the moment I gave my heart away. He felt it so God could give my sorrowful face a second look. God covered me in righteousness instead. 

The rebuilding of my heart has started now because I surrendered this pain I kept captive long in my heart.  Because of Jesus, I am scrubbed clean and shaken free. Due to His good sacrifice, I can be your wife: pure, holy, righteous, new, and yours once and for all.  

I hope you're ready for this. I'm one beautiful piece of Godly work, a rare diamond in the rough.

Love, 

Stephanie

the illest message i'll ever write... |letter #79|

Dear Ladies,

The past couple days have been rough for me as I am experiencing performance anxiety in my workload and transitional repercussions of moving to a new city on my own and living on a drastically different schedule.  I was being really hard on myself for not getting things right. I was making each moment stink by my bad attitude and hopelessness. I refused to go to God, my heavenly provider and friend. I felt as if He just wanted on me to get it right. Oh, how the devil likes to lie and how often do we fall victim to his sneaky schemes?

When I finally turned to God with my burdens, He had much to say. I write down what He tells me in my notebook. Today, He wanted me to share it with you what He has written to me. Here goes something good: 

September 21, 2013

Daughter, I want you to smile despite everything that is going on. Why do you continuously insist on being perfect? And on your own? Do you notice that without Me you will never get anything done the way you hoped? If I expected you to have it all together, I wouldn't be living inside of you because My trust would have been on you to never mess up and always be where I have you. I don't expect that from you. I know that you are full of weakness. I created you to need Me in every area of your life. I created you to trust Me to help you accomplish things, big or small. 

I have given you the word freedom but My child, you have not learned yet what it means. When you are out enjoying yourself, you are thinking about doing something else. You can't enjoy the moment without berating your actions. Leave that to Me. Leave the convictions to me. I never once convicted you to do certain things yesterday. Understand that it was you making yourself feel guilty, dumb, ugly, and unworthy with the expert help of Satan by your side. You have closed yourself to hearing from Me because you are so scared you will mess it up. Since when was this about you and your performance?

You would never be in the picture without My Son Jesus. He made you relevant. You didn't earn righteousness so you don't have to work to keep it. You are righteous already because of what Jesus did. Your label does not change because you decide on a different course. I help you stay faithful to Me. I give you the love and admiration to follow Me when you ask. You could never love and obey on your own without My interceding hand. I made you this way but when you try to do things on your own, you sinful nature comes in. You will always end up disappointed and unsatisfied when you try to dictate your live on your performance based on this sinful nature. 

Your new identity is found in me. Anything outside of Me is your flesh. It is not from My spirit. So when you don't ask for My help in your spirit, you are solely depending on your flesh to reproduce results. Like this, you will experience guilt, shame, failure, and unrealistic thoughts and expectations. Do you not think I know how tired you are and how you want to quit early? This is when the power of the Holy Spirit can work the most, when you can't do it and when you are weak and wounded. I can come in and shine within you to get you to the finish line for not your own pat on the back but for My glory. You will learn how much I really love you even when you forget to depend on Me and instead run off to handle it on your own. 

Daughter, I am not grading you on how good of a Christian you will be on this earth. I am simply asking you to trust Me so that you can accomplish all that I have for you in My kingdom. I will help you store treasures in heaven, but this is not based on your performance but on your ability to give to Me and trust Me with what you have sown. I help you offer to Me. Do you think you would give Me all the money in your bank account if I asked without My help in giving you an obedient and trusting heart? I change you. The changes I made in you are found in My spirit alone. If you don't depend on My spirit, you will only be depending on your flesh. 

Your new attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, and actions are found only connected to Me through My spirit in you. This is how you are connected to the heavenly realms. You are mistaken if you believe you will find the changes I've made in you outside of My spirit. I constantly infuse in you these changes through My spirit as long as you are connected to Me. If you distance yourself, you will receive less and less and base your actions and judgments on whatever you have left. 

Do you understand how this works, daughter? Every chance you get should be to bless My name for there is much to bless My name about. I have given you food to feed yourself, clothes to wear, furniture to decorate, and friends to enjoy. I have blessed you more than you deserve. Yet, your flesh only wants to criticize what you don't have and what you haven't done. What importance have you done without Me? What have you done outside of Me? I have given you the brains to do all that you have already done. I make it so easy for you. I am a reservoir of strength, courage, joy, and faith that you don't have to wait to run out before you can refill. Stay connected to Me and you will never run out. Stay connected to My spirit in the heavenly realms and you will always be doing what you should, when you should, and how you should. 

It's going to be okay. You can walk every day knowing that you have everything you need when you are connected to My spirit at all times. Suffering comes when you battle the flesh. You want to think about sex when the Spirit tells you to wait until marriage. You want to drink when the Spirit tell you to focus on Me instead. This is a constant struggles but it comes with being human. You are not a god, but a man that comes with limitations in a sinful world. But take heart, I have overcome all that you will have to endure. It's not going to be easy but you are an overcomer already. Stay constantly connected to My stream of life and trust me to deliver you through the bad times.

I will never leave or forsake you. My hand will never leave your head but I will not force you to depend on Me. I want you to with all My heart but I will never force you to trust. Ask me and I will instill in you the heart to do so like I planned for you. You don't know My path but you must respond when I call you to act. Don't let the devil fill your head with silly excuses and dumb reasons why you can't do what I have for you. Come to Me with your concerns. I don't particularly enjoy watching you listen to his lies that break you.  I don't like cleaning up the pieces he damaged but I do it because I really love you deeply and immeasurably. I want you to know this. 

My love for you cannot be measured or even contained. I have to infuse it into as much as you can handle at a given moment. I hate it when the devil has his way with you. Is My love not enough for you to trust in all that I say about you? You are beautiful and worthy and important and special to me. There is no one like you that I have ever made. If I can't be with you, my heart will be broken. I can never have a relationship with you that can be found in someone else. This applies to everyone. I made each person so different that even my interactions with each are unique. If I can't enjoy the interactions I created to have with you, I will lose something I can never get back. 

You are special to me. I have given you a combination of dreams, ideas, traits, and life experiences that no one else has all together in one body. And I have made someone else so unique and different from you that will fit you perfectly when it is time. Together, under My hand, you will accomplish what I have for both of you as one. I will give you a relationship that you have always wanted but never truly understood. I will make you happy and teach you how to be a good wife and partner to My son. I will teach you his weaknesses and show you how you can use My light to touch and affect them. I will show you how to love him, challenge him, and inspire him to be a better man of God. I will teach you how to love yourself so that you don't depend on his love for you. I will constantly infuse you with My love so that you can love him as he needs and vice versa. I will teach you both how to serve me together for My purposes. I will break the awkwardness you have when having someone by your side. I will teach you how to live and work with someone in My kingdom. I will teach you how to be vulnerable and transparent without fear. 

 I want to teach you that humanly perfection does not exist and that it keeps you from experiencing true freedom. I will teach you to live for Me and helping others, instead of exalting your own name. I will teach you to give to people and lay your life down for others and not be concerned with lifting your own name on a platform of success and goodness.  The only name you should be concerned with is the name of Jesus Christ, My son, the name above all names and which none others can compare. I want you to trust Me with every single detail of your life. I want you to not worry about long you spend doing what you trust that you are walking into something I have already planned for you. I want to break the chains of control and perfectionism in your mind. Once you depend on me, you will see how nicely things will lie before you. 

Are you finally ready to have things My way and be free? Do you want to experience true freedom found in Jesus Christ, My son? If so, say yes and get ready to embark on an amazing path to the freedom found in Christ Jesus. If yes, get ready for a life-changing adventure.      

I love you.

-God Almighty 

After a message like this, I could only praise His holy and beautiful name. 

Love, 

Stephanie

  

say yes... |letter #78|

Dear Heartbreak, 

You know that moment. That moment when you are sprung on a guy and things go wrong. That moment when there's no one like him and you feel these emotions you can't describe that you haven't felt with anyone else before him. That moment when you miss him and he's not talking to you, loving you, missing you and when you want him to hold you and him tell you he'll never leave your side. 

So, you know that moment when you're upset so you decide to go out with your girls and get drunk to mend away the thought of him. When shot after shot become a blur and the escape of him only brings you back in thoughts. You want to call him but your girls say no. You want to tell him how much he hurt you but you can't find the words to say. It eats you up inside as you dance and flirt and laugh and slur. That moment when you sneak off the dance floor and find a quiet space. Your head is spinning and the numbers in front of you on your phone are unclear. What is clear are your feelings and the way you miss him tonight, and every night before this one. You dial his number. He doesn't pick up. You call again and still nothing. It's almost two in the morning so he must be asleep you reason... Or he must be with another female, of course. You still aren't good enough.

You call one more time and get so fed up he missed the call again. That moment when somehow someway you end up in front of his door because the amount of alcohol and music beats couldn't satisfy the groaning aches of your broken heart. That moment when you pound at the door and beg his name to avoid sleeping alone tonight. That moment when he opens up awake from his slumber. When he's saddened by your drunkenness but decides to treat your sickness. That moment when he cleans up your mess and puts you in his warm clothes that smell just like him. He tucks you into his blankets and cuddles you to his side. He tells you it's all going to be okay while he kisses your forehead. He tells you you're beautiful anyway and nothing you can do that can keep his love away. That moment when all of your fears disappear and everything feels right again. You are fulfilled back in his embrace where you belong. The beautiful time when you go to sleep peacefully in the arms you love and the one who loves you like no other. 

See, this is what  we all really want deep down in our gut. We want to run to the one we love even in the mess that we made for ourselves. We want to know that no matter what happens, no matter what fight, disagreement, and mistake, his arms will always welcome us back to the place we most feel safe. Yet to this day, we've been chasing the wrong arms. We've been chasing the men of that time instead of the God of all time. The God who has always been there and never left. The God who will comfort us when we are sad and clean us when we get dirty. The God who will give all that we were searching that our men couldn't give. The same way we long for our significant other, God longs for you. He is the greatest lover of all time. His love for you cannot be measured. The same feelings we get from these special men are incomparable to the feelings God gives us from His love. 

So that awkward moment when I ask, do you really know how much He loves you? Can you say you ever gave Him a chance to show you? Will you accept His love call today or will you go back to the limited man of yesterday? It's your call to answer. Hopefully you pick the one most worthwhile. 

That very awkward moment when you know what you should really do at this very instant moment.

Love,

Stephanie

deep dark secret... |letter #76|

Dear Eyes,

I don't know where to start. I could choose to hide this from you, but I made a decision to become transparent before God and those who watch my life. I don't want deep dark secrets anymore. I want to be mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically free. The question is why and the reasons are these: You can only see what I show you. You can only conclude on what you see. You can only learn from what you gather.  But the secrets never make it to the surface. They never make it to the front page. You'll never know how God truly changed me. Secrets hold power. Tonight, I'm giving mine's away. 

 I'm not afraid to share my secrets because I have already been forgiven, cleansed, and redeemed from them. What I am afraid of is forgetting the mercy God has granted me because it's locked away with the key deserted. I teaches me that it never existed. So although I am changed, I forget where God has found me. My secret has been locked away holding presence in my life for way too long. It's time to let it go and have no part of me in the shadows.

When I was a little girl, I struggled with sexual sin. I was introduced to it through the "don't touch" novels left haphazardly around the house. The words I read created images in my head that I never knew existed. I learned of an adult world that God only reserved for a wife and husband on their wedding night. I began to wonder. Eventually, that wonder turned into action as I attempted to experience the pages of my books on my own. I wanted to know the excitement I read about.

 It was weird at first and I remember feeling horrible about it. I grew up as Catholic school girl and I imagined the priest and my nuns would be harsh towards my behavior. But instead of leaving it alone, I continued and taught a few others close the same and even worse than I had done. I had spread my impurities onto another selfishly. It didn't happen often, but the fact that is happened shamed me. I didn't want anyone to know what I did. I began to feel like two different people trapped in one body, one by day and one by night.

When I accepted Jesus Christ into my life for the first time in the 6th grade, my heart changed. My actions still remained, but this time I felt God's Holiness leading me to stop. I didn't yet know that my old self had died and I had welcomed a new body in Christ. It took years to finally stop, because to be honest, it was my biggest weakness. As much as I was a hopeless romantic, I had learned early on to associate fornication with true love. I didn't know the difference until God took me through my healing process. He had to show me what true love for myself and a man was about.

To some, this may not be a big deal because frankly, many people do it. It advertised as providing positive benefits and being a mundane part of sexual life. But in actuality, masturbation is a sin because the very act of sexual acts outside of marriage is impurity. I justified it for years telling myself that the Bible didn't actually "prove" it and that many doctors, websites, and even friends did it. As temporarily pleasing it is, it's repercussions are more severe. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and the secret of it all. Don't forget, the impossible weight of the sin before God before forgiveness. This secret holds no place with me no longer.

I would have never written this on my own. Had I not felt God leading me to do something this scary I would have written it off altogether. But I told God I would be a "yes" woman. I would look for the opportunities to give Him glory. This is one of them.

Yesterday, I was dirty, today, I am clean. Only by the blood of Jesus. And now, there is nothing left to hide. I am free.

Love, 
Stephanie

things just got personal... |letter #75|

Dear My Future Husband,

Today marks a very special day. No, I didn't meet you yet, of course. I discovered something better. God's voice. Today was the first time that God actually answered me immediately after I prayed for something. It happened so quick that I doubted it. I needed to confirm that I had really heard Him and not my own thoughts.

But to be honest, outside of confirmation, I knew deep down it was His. When He spoke, it almost sounded like me, but it wasn't. I could tell something was different about it when the moment I heard it I felt elevated, as if I was on some supernatural plane. He only said one word, which was the answer I was looking for, but it echoed within my spirit. It reverberated ripples of quiet repetitions of His spoken word. 

I felt confident. I felt at peace. I felt shocked. I felt still. I had finally heard His voice and it had only taken but a moment.

The thing is, God is always talking to me. I just don't pay attention or sensitive myself to His voice. But I've been practicing. I've been spending so much time with Him. I've been praying for this exact moment when I could finally hear Him whisper into my ears instead of catching His words from the ears of another. 

My relationship with Him has just become more... intimate.

It's been a long time coming but I knew it would happen. I asked, I believed, and today, I received. Praise my Holy and High Friend. 

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 NIV.

Love, 

Stephanie

on brokenness... |letter #74|

Dear I AM,

I don't know if I even asked for you full forgiveness for my willingness in succumbing to that spiritual attack. My heart is saddened. I told myself I was lazy and dumb. I said that I didn't get things done. I had this whole "Christian" thing wrong because as I'm waiting for God to guide me, nothing was happening and it was obviously my fault. I even blamed myself for a missed student discounted subway card deadline though I had no idea it was an option. 

I believed that I didn't know what to do at any moment. It was my fault that I believed I couldn't hear Him directly like others claimed. Clearly, God was perfect so the problems that soon became mountains at the moment were the cause of my inability to take control. I needed to take back control of my life. I needed back my full control because I was the one who had my life in chaos.

This morning I woke up and felt like what we had was severed. The devil had done his duty on me. He stole my faith, killed my trust, and destroyed my spirit. Now, I feel so disconnected to You. I feel numb. I am astounded. I really believed that about myself about situations God promised He would take care of already. 

But then You put me in remembrance of Your unfailing love and forgiveness. I remembered how I felt Your strong presence the moment I thought my first negative lie. I remembered how you comforted me and told me the truth. I thought about how you fought for me in the end of the attack. You reminded me that I had too many great things happening in my life to cry over something outside my control in the first place. You filled me with healing. I reached my breaking point. I was done with the enemy's persistent attack on my soul.   

You never left my side and You confirmed it in Your word: 

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; 

may I never forget the good things he does for me. 

He forgives all my sins 

and heals all my diseases. 

He redeems me from death

and crowns me with love and tender mercies.

He fills my life with good things...

The Lord is compassionate and merciful,

slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

He will not constantly accuse us,

nor remain angry forever.

He does not punish us for all our sins;

he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.

For his unfailing love toward those who fear him

is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

He has removed our sins as far from us

as the east is from the west.

The Lord is like a father to his children,

tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

 For he knows how weak we are;

he remembers we are only dust."

Excepts from Psalms 103

I have no reason to be down.  You are actually grieved when I am. All if forgiven, all is washed away. I am still made brand new. 

Love,

Stephanie

8 days left... |letter #73|

Dear My Future Husband,

 I should always feel like I can talk to you, especially when it's about feelings I am not proud of. I was reluctant to tell you because I was embarrassed. You are going to read about it anyway. The enemy tries to make me think that as a Christ-lover, I have to be perfect. His lies make me believe that I have to have it all together and that I can never have moments of weaknesses.  That is the biggest set of boloney I've heard. What kills me is that I let it formulate truth into my thoughts over God's word.

Not today. I won't hide my personal setbacks because of the idea that I'm not supposed to have them. If I was perfect, what was the purpose of Christ giving up His life for me? He knows I'm going to fall at times which is why He is already there to catch me. So, here goes, my funky stench:

   There are eight days left in my campaign and my state of performance has been threatened. I found myself thinking, Honestly, I don't care anymore. If I don't get the money, I'll be happy to finally get a break. Yes, I thought that. I am so mentally, emotionally, and physically tired from this work God has personally told me to do that my human flesh is telling me to give up. It is looking for an easy way out. It's trying to stop spreading the word, stop asking for donations, stop walking up to strangers, stop writing about it, stop talking about, stop making flyers, stop creating media, stop doing everything related to this project so I can walk away from my heavy exhaustion and constant on call duties.  

Spending hours of full faith at time to promote this dream is a concept that I am finally exploring the full definition to. As a student, I get things quick. I don't need to use countless hours studying materials like some of my peers because I have a great memory and understanding foreign information is almost second nature. I've pursed many dreams, but this is the very first big one where I have completely handed the reigns in His hands. This is the first one where I've had to devote more than just time and energy. My heart, mind, body, and soul is heavily involved, more than usual. 

I just need to have incredible faith, or, one as small as a mustard seed. The yoke is supposed to be light, so why am I complaining? I asked myself this and my answer was to go to God through my daily devotionals. He has become my first source for everything now. He answered me in six different ways:

1. Be thankful in ALL circumstances, always.
2. Pray about everything. Yes, even that that I think is unimportant & silly. It matters to Him.
3. Do not stop praying. Persistence builds character, faith, & hope.
4. Stop beating myself up for everything I do wrong. Just repent and ask Him to heal my wounds.
5. Love harder. This includes even the strangers I pass by.
6. DO NOT QUIT. Don't give up. The rewards are closer than I think.

I don't know about you hubby, but that was enough to set me straight. So I keep calm and carry on. It's always worth it with Jesus.

Love,

Stephanie

Click Here to See What I'm Up To :)

9 days left... |letter #71|

Dear You,

The fear that once accompanied me when I awoke has been replaced with a peaceful confidence in God's plan. I am excited to see what He is brewing in my life. Yesterday was such a fulfilling day, it can only get better from here.

So, I like to start my mornings with devotionals, six different ones to be exact. I can't seem to pick one book because I hate the feeling of missing out on the others. I like to take on a lot at a time. It is almost normal to me. Spiritually, I need more. I seek for the things I don't know. In turn, it helps me build me wisdom.

Well, I have six different messages that I will be focused on today. I invite you to join me too. Why should I be the only one gaining from it? When you have something good, you should share it. When you make someone else happy, you forget that your weren't happy a few seconds ago. 

So here they are:

1. Be the light of the world, shining bright for all to see so that they know you come from God.
2. Ask Him to soften your heart so that you can hear Him when He speaks.
3. Be ready to fight temptation. It's coming, but there is always a way out.
4. Embrace the kingdom of God on earth and all that He has for you.
5. Fear, worry, and dread have no place in your heart.
6. Think only what is good and pleasing, You will become your thoughts eventually. 

Hope this helps you have a good day. You can tell me about it later.

Love,

Stephanie

Click Here to See What I'm Up To :)