let my person go... |letter #95|

Dear Me,

Stop fighting and let me go.  Let me go.  I who is the deepest part of you.  I who lay uncovered, unbothered, and unleashed.  You've trapped me.  You've kept me.  You've hidden me in the midst of your heart-folds and refuse to allow me to climb through the piles and reveal my presence.  I need some air.  I need to breathe.  I need to see why the world so desperately needs me. 

I have purpose here and it wasn't so you can serve as my forever overprotective armor bearer.  

I need you to let me go. 

But I get it; I'm your baby.  I'm your safe place.  I'm your untouched virgin, unexposed to the harsh realities of this world and insensitivities of flawed people.  You don't want to spoil me.  You don't want me to scrape my knee.  You don't want me to learn the patterns of this world, such as conformity, deceit, and superficiality. 

I am your most authentic, pure self and you fear that with release I may not stay that way.  You fear the break of new air will stifle me.  You fear the aroma of expectation will break me.  You fear the comfort of mediocrity will be the death of me. 

You fear this because I was meant to be more.  I am more.  I am the unfiltered, idealistic, unashamed, unapologetic being of you who dares to dream higher, live brighter, and feel stronger.  I am not afraid to laugh without censoring and think without second-guessing.  You've nurtured me to be the woman you would not be.  You made me bold, daring, crazy, radical, and spirited.  

I represent the other woman God created you to be and this is why you cover me.

However, the problem rests with your obsessive control over me and your monitoring of my here's and there's.  Your tactics has turned from the pure intention to protect into a manifestation to perfect.  You know that you can't perfect your own life no matter how hard you try so you project your desires of perfection into managing and controlling the "perfect" and "unstained" deep inside of you.  You won't let anyone touch me, feel me, hear me, see me, or know me.  Why? Because if anyone so much looks at me,  you believe I'm no longer perfect.  I would become abused and used and good as the rest of you.

How could you be so confused?

Don't you know that the Lord our God made no mistake when He made you?  Don't you know that your outside flaws used by Him bring Him the uttermost glory?  Don't you realize that no one cares for perfection because it's never as good as the good, honest truth of I'm broken and scared and crazy and sensitive and I need love anyway?

We've been loved since the very beginning of time, before we could even think to love our Creator in return.  Therefore, your notion that one must be "pure" and "perfect" to love and be loved is null and disproven.  Yes, He purified and perfected us through Christ's blood, but first He loved anyway.

So let me go, Stephanie.  Let me go.  Because what you think is not really true.  I will never break and I will never die and I will never conform and I will never lose faith.  I will keep fighting.  I will keep believing.  I will keep trusting.  I will keep doing right.  I will never stop daring despite what the world throws at me.

I will never stop being what I was created to be because I represent God's love in you which is steadfast and never-ending.  I was formed by His love, made for His love, purposed to love.  I was made to love more than just you.  

When you let me go, I can be free to love like I was supposed to. 

And you, my love, will begin to walk into everything else awaiting for you.. 

Then your being will truly be set free, just like me. 

Love,

Stephanie

#LovingTheWomanWithin

Courtesy of Shea Christine Photography 

i'd rather be in paris... |letter #94|

Dear Daddy,

I'd rather be in Paris.  I'd rather be in a prettier place than I am now.  Now I am hungry, lost, anxious, confused, and drained.  I also don't feel qualified for the work you sent me to do.  Compared to the other girls, I don't think I have what it takes.  I know these are insecurities of mine.  However, there is a part of me that is begging you to pay attention. 

Care that I am annoyed right now.

Care that I am confused right now.

Care that I am uncomfortable right now. 

Care that I am embarrassed right now.

Can't you see how upset I am at where you placed me? I don't like this place.  This place where you are calling me to change and where you are forcing me out of my comfort space.  I chose you no matter what, but I surely did not choose this way.  I chose you no matter what, but I did not choose this stage.  I don't like the timelines, the deadlines, the rearrangements, and absence of my own agenda.  I thought we were going to do things my way.  Why does yours have to be so hard?

I am upset and I am annoyed and to be honest, I am yet not over it.  This is simply discomforting for me to deal with.  Yet, in your genius you uncovered the issue deeper within: 

I'm scared. 

I am truly terrified in this place. 

I'm scared because I don't want to be vulnerable.  

I'm scared because I don't want to be rejected.  

I'm scared because I don't be to be perceived as annoying. 

 I'm scared because of who I can really become as a result of this.

I'm scared because I've lost about 99% of my sense of control.  

It's on you now, Lord.  You hold my destiny in your hands.  I plow the land, you reap the harvest.  I'm scared because I need you so much more than I did yesterday.  I need you to wipe my boo-boos when I fall and I need you to kiss me to sleep when I'm sad.  I'm scared because I've entered into an all-access open battlefield where I am vulnerable to any type of verbal shots.  I could be hit with a denial, let down, or pushback at any point in this game.

But what's an arrow by day and a threat at night to an Almighty God ruling over the heavens and earth? Though I am weak, you are strong.  Though I am vulnerable, you are secure.  Though I am insecure, you are firm.

I thank you God that you are God and you are more than I can ever need to feel protected, safe, and stable in this space.

I also thank you that I am here right now, even though it's hard.  I know you will use it for your glory one day.  I just ask that you help me continue to see your heavenly perspective on my day-to-day realities.

Finally, I thank you that you do care.  You care so much.  And I am ever so grateful that I was on your mind since the beginning of time.

Love,

Stephanie

plastic always cracks... |letter #93|

Dear Spirit of Perfectionism, 

I just want to be perfect, just as you tell me I should be.  I never feel like I'm good enough.  I think there is something wrong with my personality.  Do people even like me?  Why am I me?

I'm worried because I never feel like I am where I should be.  I hold your expectations in my head like a marker, measuring how close, or rather, how far I still am.  Like the markers on a wall,  I climb higher, but I only feel shorter.  I am still not where I need to be.  

I fail to remember whose markers I should be following- Jesus'.  Instead, I study yours, moving at your every whim, making sure I'm in good light.  I can't keep up.  It's draining.  I try with all my might.  I still don't think I can really do this.

What am I even doing in the first place?  Excuse me, second place... because I still don't think I deserve to win.  "Crowned in Victory" is the meaning of name, but what I really wear is a veil of defeat.  I don't think I have what it takes because I couldn't even meet the goals from last week.  Last year didn't hit the mark either.  My mind is oppressive.  I just want to be okay.  But I'm not okay.  I can't be okay when I'm not check-marked, when I don't meet that grade.  I still need to pass this never-ending test.  What's the name of this class again? 

As much as I know you are toxic for me, I find it difficult to let you go.  You've defined me for much of my adolescent career.  What occupation would I learn to replace you?  Even when I don't want to, I seek your standards in every relationship, opportunity, and passing moment.  I need to connect with you to evaluate my sense of worth.  Did I say the right thing at the right time?  Did I look okay? My duty to perform relies on your measure of absolute perfection. 

But enough is enough.

 Because you push me to feel guilty, pressured, and unworthy at any given time.  You are indeed destroying me and any sense of God-given worth.  While others have tried to define and label you, I see you for who you really are.  You are a con artist dressed up with the perception that "you mean for my best."  What a lie!  You are not really interested in "saving me" from being hurt by this world; you came to steal, kill, and destroy. 

Thus, I refuse to make a home for you in my heart.  I can no longer house your lies in the depths of my soul.  I am here to put an end of your tactics.  I am here to fire back with His Word because I can no longer serve two masters.  I either believe in who God says I am or die trying to change your malicious opinion about me.  I've come to understand that real girls aren't perfect and perfect girls aren't real.  A perfect girl doesn't even exist.  There only exists a perfect God and that's the only perfectionism I want in my midst.

I praise God that He has done numerous works in me and He has used multiple platforms to heal, teach, and help me.  But today is the day that His work will no longer be in vain because I command you to flee and no longer torment me.  I repent for my idolatry and how I've allowed you to distract me.  And I release the power that Christ put within me to now walk in victory to be the person He called me to be and do only what He has assigned to me.

Therefore, spirit, you no longer have a place here. 

Curtly,

Stephanie 

Courtesy of We Heart It

breaking boundaries, a personal journey... |letter #92|

Dear Make-Believe,

I haven't had much to say in the last seven months.

I take that back. 

Rather, it’s like I couldn't seem to formulate the right words to express to you, my audience. Sometimes, I felt like I didn't have enough of a big picture perspective or the right amount of courage to share what’s been going on.  I closed myself off from writing and didn’t realize I was abandoning my means of growth.  I simply didn't make the time to open up.  But, finally, here I am.  Ready to share. 

I’ve learned so much. God has shaped me in incredible ways.  Yes, that’s what was happening and I couldn’t understand it, but, looking back, I was becoming stronger with each passing day.  For seven months, God was teaching me to let go of the “make-believe” me. And it’s to her that I write because for so long I was she.

See, I was trying to be someone I was not. In all that I was doing, it hadn’t dawned on me that make-believe isn’t some vision you have for yourself that simply hasn't happened, but it’s actually a false design of what you think your world should look like. It's fake, intangible, and faulty, and the problem is I was resting too comfortably in my personal realm of make-believe.  I refused to believe in the real me. 

The Miss America pageants changed all of that. This program forced me to start trusting God for something brand new; to believe I could win and to know that I could be a national representation of my community. I had no choice but to stop being something fake and start being something real. 

Miss America taught me how to grow up.  I learned how to speak up and to sometimes shout. God was using my pageant experience to make something out of me, not necessarily from scratch, but from what.  I thought were broken pieces. The make-believe me. 

So this piece is dedicated to that pretend picture of myself I carried around for years like a crutch. To the thoughts that said I wasn't enough. This piece is dedicated to my freedom from all the lies I chose to accept about myself. The ones that became too commonplace in my subconscious and made me feel defeated after every pageant I didn't win. 

The detrimental frame of consciousness ends today. Each time I perform my spoken word, I take a stab at the false ideas I once harbored about myself. I take back the authority I have been awarded through Christ. With each performance, I say “NO” to the label, “NO” to the box, and “NO” to the copying. I know that I am good enough, more than enough, and NEVER too much. I know that I am captivating, worthy, and unique.  The real me.

But the best part is not the spotlight; it’s the inspiring of others to do the same. It’s taking them on the journey with me. Thank you to the last several months.  I have not only grown into a more determined and confident individual, but I have stirred others to do the same. 

Love,

Stephanie

Edited by Laura, Founder & CEO of Laura's Letters