Dear Me,
It's been months since I broke off my relationship, that turned out to be a lie, but I weep and cry like it happened today. That's the worst part about heartbreak, the memory of the pain stays with you no matter how long it's been. The truth of the matter is that I really loved him. Loved him, loved him. Not like the little loves I wrote about before. My heart belonged to him and his deceit shattered it. He lied to me. Well, kept his life from me to the point it had me questioning, wondering if I was crazy or irrational. I let myself settle for the infrequent visits, lack of romance, and little to no calls, things that were really important for me in the midst of long distance. I convinced myself one day I would see it because he was the one God had for me. Little did I know God was blocking it the whole time because He knew what was on the other side of the story.
I blocked and cut off the man I loved. And it turns out, I didn't even know him at all. I was in love with a man who was shown to me, a man I went searching to know, but he was too ashamed to show me parts of himself that it eventually cost us our relationship. It wasn't even so much his lifestyle that hurt me as much the amount of years he spent lying about it. I was in love with a man who I didn't know. And I blocked him because it killed me that he wasn't the man he showed himself to be.
He had plenty of chances to tell me the truth, but he never did. In fact, when I found out about his deceit it was through someone else. To this day, he has yet to confess his truth to me but blamed me for the lack of support I had given him. There's two sides to every story, but I think the part that hurts most was he was too broken and insecure to see how much I truly loved him and fought for him publicly and privately. It was his brokenness and my own exhibited that led me to keep walking away from the man I wanted to be with more than anything else.
At this point, he probably sounds like a monster. I haven't decided. I don't know what's worse. Stepping outside of our relationship or never telling me about it and having to face the physical consequence of his infidelity years later. I wish him well for his present and future family. I want nothing but good things for him, as he wanted for me and clearly felt he was not good enough for me. I just wish he had given me a choice at the beginning of his indiscretions to decide for myself on whether or not I wanted to be a part of his life and what role I desired to be.
He never gave me choice.
I have to also say this man proposed to me early in our relationship and I said we needed more time to establish grounding. I wanted us to do premarital counseling, I wanted him to meet my family and for me to meet more of his. I wanted to do things "right." He saw that as a no and sometimes I wonder if that was the reason he never put more effort into marriage with me again. He maintained me as a friend with benefits but couldn't commit to more than that, and he would try. He tried to give me what I wanted, but after a while felt like every effort he made would be worthless to me. Honestly, he made some decisions in his life that he knew would prevent me from serving a certain place in his life. That's what I mean he never gave me choice. He decided for me after his hiccups.
I was insecure in our relationship because I felt like I had no access to him or his life. I didn't know his comings and goings, his friends, his workplace, his weekends, I didn't know his plans. I found out as I pried. He didn't call me. And for good reason because he was hiding his entire other life from me. That's why I could never get in and feel 100% apart of his life and feel secure in my place. I had a special place in his heart, but not his life.
So I don't know now if he really loved me. I think he did. I used to be so sure of it before things went crashing down. But now, I think a man who really loves me wouldn't lie to me for years and still blame me for his decisions. Maybe that was his way of loving me. Keeping me away from his crazy life. But that's not how to love me. Loving me is letting me in and letting me decide. I guess it would have hurt more if I rejected him, but I would rather you love me enough to trust I won't cast you out for your mess. At the end of our relationship, I didn't feel love from him. I felt anger, blame, manipulation, and confusion.
I was far from perfect, but I didn't even think I deserved this.
So yeah, I'm heartbroken. It's hard to focus, hard to think, hard to find peace sometimes. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at myself. I didn't see the signs God was giving me throughout the years. I'm disappointed. Defeated. Confused. Hurt. Heavy.
But I know I will get through this, and spring is right around the corner.
I wrote a list of things I now require in a man. This was a big learning lesson. And the worst of it is I lost someone I considered my best friend. However, friends don't keep major life events hidden from friends. It just isn't a friendship characteristic of someone I talked to daily for months at a time.
So I am optimistic about seeing old things pass away and new things come into my life. Better ones, that are the exact reflection of what God has for me. And the midst of waiting on my promise of a future husband, I'm working on healing the relationship with my first love, God and then me.
Stay strong me. God loves you. And I love you too despite it all.
Love,
Stephanie
